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Need help adult daughter wont talk to me.
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 531485" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>We get it. At least...I do. (((Hugs))).</p><p></p><p>by the way that's exactly what happened with me. I didn't see my son, whom I thought was the greatest person on earth (in my mind, I'd built him up to be this great young man) for five years and when I finally did, I realized he wasn't the greatest at all and that I didn't even know him. He had a list of conditions upon how I could see him, his wife, and his child. The list was written down and was demeaning and embarassing, such as I could only see him his church or in a restaurant, in which we all paid our own food bill. I couldn't come to his house and he wouldn't come to mine. </p><p></p><p>From the things he and Wife said, I realize that he either lied to Wife or Wife is nuts or this is Scott's reality of his home life, even though it never happened. Wife kept dabbing her eyes and telling me that it is horrible when a child has to pay all the bills...that this is the responsibility of the parents. Well, I couldn't agree more! But Scott didn't pay the house bills. I'm really not sure how this skewed thinking happened. Also, when the rest of the family spoke to one another about Scott's wedding Wife considered that gossipping. Maybe this is because she is Chinese and perhaps in China family doesn't talk about big events in the family such as weddings to one another. However, to her that was gossipping. </p><p></p><p>I just listened to them. I did not try to defend myself. I did not either laugh or cry at Scott's written demands. I did apologize when I truly felt it was right to do so. I knew I'd never have a chance to apologize again because I had already decided that even if they would see me under this list of humiliating circumstances (there were tons more rules), I would not demean myself and do it. And I also had decided that they are two people I do not need in my life, although I will always love the memory of my son, as I remember him. </p><p></p><p>As soon as I left the church, where we had our last meeting, I decided to crumble up the list of rules because I did not want to have them to remind me to be angry. I did not want to show them around. I just didn't need them. I drove back to my daughter's house (I was staying there) without a tear and without even much depression. It was like closure.</p><p></p><p>I remember thinking that it was odd because both Scott and his wife are fundamentalist Christians. There was no forgiveness in them at all. They live their lives by very rigid rules, way beyond those of most Christians. In their church, the man is the boss. I had never thought of Scott as a control freak, but now I realize he is. Perhaps, since he had been adopted at six, he needed that control. I'm sure he has a form of attachment disorder.</p><p></p><p>I didn't mean to babble. I'm sorry. But I think a lot of us do understand. </p><p></p><p>I think it's important to get that therapy so that you can move on, at least for right now.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 531485, member: 1550"] We get it. At least...I do. (((Hugs))). by the way that's exactly what happened with me. I didn't see my son, whom I thought was the greatest person on earth (in my mind, I'd built him up to be this great young man) for five years and when I finally did, I realized he wasn't the greatest at all and that I didn't even know him. He had a list of conditions upon how I could see him, his wife, and his child. The list was written down and was demeaning and embarassing, such as I could only see him his church or in a restaurant, in which we all paid our own food bill. I couldn't come to his house and he wouldn't come to mine. From the things he and Wife said, I realize that he either lied to Wife or Wife is nuts or this is Scott's reality of his home life, even though it never happened. Wife kept dabbing her eyes and telling me that it is horrible when a child has to pay all the bills...that this is the responsibility of the parents. Well, I couldn't agree more! But Scott didn't pay the house bills. I'm really not sure how this skewed thinking happened. Also, when the rest of the family spoke to one another about Scott's wedding Wife considered that gossipping. Maybe this is because she is Chinese and perhaps in China family doesn't talk about big events in the family such as weddings to one another. However, to her that was gossipping. I just listened to them. I did not try to defend myself. I did not either laugh or cry at Scott's written demands. I did apologize when I truly felt it was right to do so. I knew I'd never have a chance to apologize again because I had already decided that even if they would see me under this list of humiliating circumstances (there were tons more rules), I would not demean myself and do it. And I also had decided that they are two people I do not need in my life, although I will always love the memory of my son, as I remember him. As soon as I left the church, where we had our last meeting, I decided to crumble up the list of rules because I did not want to have them to remind me to be angry. I did not want to show them around. I just didn't need them. I drove back to my daughter's house (I was staying there) without a tear and without even much depression. It was like closure. I remember thinking that it was odd because both Scott and his wife are fundamentalist Christians. There was no forgiveness in them at all. They live their lives by very rigid rules, way beyond those of most Christians. In their church, the man is the boss. I had never thought of Scott as a control freak, but now I realize he is. Perhaps, since he had been adopted at six, he needed that control. I'm sure he has a form of attachment disorder. I didn't mean to babble. I'm sorry. But I think a lot of us do understand. I think it's important to get that therapy so that you can move on, at least for right now. [/QUOTE]
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