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Need help adult daughter wont talk to me.
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 531661" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Dotty, </p><p></p><p>We get it more than you realize - hence the advice , suggestions and LIFE experience of - WELL - here's what WE did. HERE are the mistakes (in short) of what WE did - and -after years of therapy (THAT WE SAT through) for ourselves - HERE is what WE can tell you works. (WORKS) WORKED....WILL WORK....COULD WORK MAY WORK.....SHOULLD BE TRIED..SHOULD NOT BE TRIED. (and help angel - if you called my line, and I was allowed or not allowed to talk? I'd talk. People are ultimately more important than RULE #3. I only tap my feet when men burn my chicken on the grill when I've said - NO NO _ 400 is too much heat) </p><p></p><p>THE APOLOGY that you want to give? (shrug) Don't you think you've done that? You've gone to her place of work - you've tried to contact her - SHE"S HEARD YOU. SHE'S HEARD you - SHE HAS HEARD YOU. SHe doesn't want it. No amount of you busting into her life - and begging her to hear you is going to make her UNDERSTAND your pain. Your sorrow - YOUR POINT OF VIEW - your reasoning - SHE DOESN"T SEE CHANGE IN YOU AT ALL-------NOT . ONE. LITTLE. BIT - CHASING AFTER HER DOTTY - ???? IS STILL IMPOSING YOUR WILL ON HER AGAIN, AND AGAIN and AGAIN - and YOUR OPINION AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN - and it's the same to her - THE EXACT SAME TO HER - as - I DON"T THINK YOU SHOULD DATE THAT BOZO ---------ONLY NOW - YOU ARE SAYING - OH GOSH I WAS WRONG - NOW I'm going to chase you down and FORCE YOU TO TAKE MY APOLOGY - YOU ARE FORCING HER - ONCE AGAIN - TO TAKE WHAT YOU WANT HER TO TAKE - and you DO. NOT . GET . IT.......and she's finally had ENOUGH!!!!! ENOUGH! ENOUGH! to the point where she's gotten so ANGRY with you - HER MOTHER ?????? That she's struck you! TAKE THE HINT.......LEAVE HER ALONE!!!!!!!!!! </p><p></p><p>I'm NOT on her side - I'm not on YOUR side. I'm an IMPARTIAL bystander looking at this - without mailice but WITH experience - WHO CHASED her kid - begging for forgiveness ------and had her son GET IN HER FACE and finally gave up - and in the mean time - The two volitaile sides went their own way. ME and Him. And in that time - I continued to WORK on my issues. I told you - I make NO bones about it - I state it here ALL. THE . TIME - I stayed in therapy for 15 years. I had a great childhood. But like every child - THINGS happen, and then I got married, and I had a life - and my marriage was horrible, and then I had a kid that was a difficult child, I had natural disasters happen, house fires, trauma, car accidents, lost jobs, ridiculously anal bosses, struggles with money, life - a divorce, then a fiance that is wonderful but 110% disabled, and I mean pft - like anyone else - my list goes on and on - SO DOES YOURS......why keep trying to say - NOPE nothing wrong with me - if I could just fix THIS (my daughter and me) my life would fall back into place. IT WILL NOT. IT WILL NOT - IT WILL NOT - YOU FIX YOU - and work on YOU....and ADMIT - (WELL IT"S ME) and the rest STARTS to fall into place - and you START to uncover, and undig, and unearth junk that you may not have remembered for years - IT IS THERE - in your mind - stored away - some of it just forgotten - but things change our lives. TO admit - NOTHING has affected your life and HYPER FOCUS on her? YOu're really cheating yourself - your husband - your other kids.....your friends, the rest of your family - but MOSTLY your quality of life. </p><p></p><p>DId she do wrong too? YOU BET SHE DID. SHE was raised better than this, and she went and got herself hooked up with a BOZO. You told her - and she ignored GOOD logical, advice - WELL -----doesn't that just stink? YUP. And didn't you TRY to make her see what a mistake she was making? SURE - you're her Mom and a good one. But your tactics were wrong, and your behaviors were wrong. All you did was try to get her to see what she was doing and messing up. Maybe chalk it up to really hurtful behaviors. Incorrect parenting - I have no idea what you did. But the minute that you keep trying to fix it over and over and over - YOU give HER the power and control over your life. And you may think -OH oKAY that's okay -----I want her to punish me - and make me feel like dirt - BUT you have to remember she's got someone else there with her pushing buttons WITH her who isn't exactly one of you ----and he's dangerous. SO YOU need to stop the cow-tow behavior ------STOP RUNNING towards them, and like MWM said - DO NOT cry in front of them - no matter what. </p><p></p><p>THE SECOND you let her see that this bothers you () much - HE WINS AGAIN....and quite frankly he's already gotten her - I've told you three times - IF YOU HAVE a chance of getting a relationship with her ever again - the way to do it - is to IMPROVE yourself - MAKE HER WONDER WHAT IN THE WORLD - is going on with Mom - HOW is Mom so strong, WHY isn't it bothering Mom that I'm not in the picture - WHY is Mom happy, without ME????? HOW can that be? BUT IT TAKES TIME - and actually TIME is all you have - because she is CERTAINLY NOT going to come running to you the way things are with you all crying, and begging and trying to get her back. SHe's not like that - NEVER WILL BE. THINK I'm being hard????? Keep running to her and begging for forgiveness - YOU'll SEE HARD, and TOUGH and hurtful. Because He'll be standing behind her handing her advice on how to give UGLY, PAINFUL, MISERY out in SPADES and when she does it to you? HE WILL REWARD HER.......TEN FOLD. AND YOU THINK today hurts? Keep doing what YOU ARE DOING and don't get the help I'm suggesting. I'm not a "tough old broad" I'm not a "Mean old witch" - I'm actually a caring and compassionate person - but I have zero tolerance for "let me ask you what to do" and then does the complete opposite...it's defeating, and counter productive and if you believe I'm wrong? and want to PROVE me and the others wrong (not you per se but anyone in this similar situation) then GO see a therapist. </p><p></p><p>The best way to feel better about anyone else - and how they treat you is to feel better about YOURSELF first - get to know what makes YOU tick...what makes YOU Happy.HOw to set short and long term goals for yourself, work on your SHORTCOMINGS (and I have several I work on daily) ...and then figure out what it is YOU Need to do to attain those goals. I maintain - If no one cared - we wouldn't give you advice from our hearts - because while you think we're being mean? It takes a lot of courage to tell you what WE did wrong, admit it - and tell you how we fixed it so YOU can benefit from MY mistakes. </p><p></p><p>It took my son THREE YEARS -------of very little conversation with me - living with his psychopath father, in parks, under bridges, eating out of dumpsters, ME hanging the phone up on him after stating - GOSH that sounds bad, I bet you'll figure it out - and getting off the phone and CRYING my eyes out but toughing up with every call - knowing these were HIS decisions and HIS consequences - and ALLOWING him to make them - that led to him REALIZING 1.) I was a good-=great Mom, 2.) HE messed his OWN life up, and 3.) HE FIXED his own messes.....4.) I was partially responsible for some of the mistakes - but people are human - and he was just as much to blame for the language and hate spewing.....and trust me - your daughter is 18 and doing this .....I've been getting this from age 5 - 17.......and EVERYTHING was my fault. EVERYTHING. Maybe even a little longer at times when he was really manic - like from BEFORE HE WAS BORN until 21.....so yeah - I may have an idea of what you are going through. And no - I didn't really want to hear what a BAD mother I was in thearpy ------Turns out - I was really a GOOD one. Never know what you'll find out. (shrug) You do have two other kids that are really good ones huh? And you DID come here looking for help - HUH? Just take it a step further ------no big deal......really, really. </p><p></p><p>Hugs & Love </p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 531661, member: 4964"] Dotty, We get it more than you realize - hence the advice , suggestions and LIFE experience of - WELL - here's what WE did. HERE are the mistakes (in short) of what WE did - and -after years of therapy (THAT WE SAT through) for ourselves - HERE is what WE can tell you works. (WORKS) WORKED....WILL WORK....COULD WORK MAY WORK.....SHOULLD BE TRIED..SHOULD NOT BE TRIED. (and help angel - if you called my line, and I was allowed or not allowed to talk? I'd talk. People are ultimately more important than RULE #3. I only tap my feet when men burn my chicken on the grill when I've said - NO NO _ 400 is too much heat) THE APOLOGY that you want to give? (shrug) Don't you think you've done that? You've gone to her place of work - you've tried to contact her - SHE"S HEARD YOU. SHE'S HEARD you - SHE HAS HEARD YOU. SHe doesn't want it. No amount of you busting into her life - and begging her to hear you is going to make her UNDERSTAND your pain. Your sorrow - YOUR POINT OF VIEW - your reasoning - SHE DOESN"T SEE CHANGE IN YOU AT ALL-------NOT . ONE. LITTLE. BIT - CHASING AFTER HER DOTTY - ???? IS STILL IMPOSING YOUR WILL ON HER AGAIN, AND AGAIN and AGAIN - and YOUR OPINION AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN - and it's the same to her - THE EXACT SAME TO HER - as - I DON"T THINK YOU SHOULD DATE THAT BOZO ---------ONLY NOW - YOU ARE SAYING - OH GOSH I WAS WRONG - NOW I'm going to chase you down and FORCE YOU TO TAKE MY APOLOGY - YOU ARE FORCING HER - ONCE AGAIN - TO TAKE WHAT YOU WANT HER TO TAKE - and you DO. NOT . GET . IT.......and she's finally had ENOUGH!!!!! ENOUGH! ENOUGH! to the point where she's gotten so ANGRY with you - HER MOTHER ?????? That she's struck you! TAKE THE HINT.......LEAVE HER ALONE!!!!!!!!!! I'm NOT on her side - I'm not on YOUR side. I'm an IMPARTIAL bystander looking at this - without mailice but WITH experience - WHO CHASED her kid - begging for forgiveness ------and had her son GET IN HER FACE and finally gave up - and in the mean time - The two volitaile sides went their own way. ME and Him. And in that time - I continued to WORK on my issues. I told you - I make NO bones about it - I state it here ALL. THE . TIME - I stayed in therapy for 15 years. I had a great childhood. But like every child - THINGS happen, and then I got married, and I had a life - and my marriage was horrible, and then I had a kid that was a difficult child, I had natural disasters happen, house fires, trauma, car accidents, lost jobs, ridiculously anal bosses, struggles with money, life - a divorce, then a fiance that is wonderful but 110% disabled, and I mean pft - like anyone else - my list goes on and on - SO DOES YOURS......why keep trying to say - NOPE nothing wrong with me - if I could just fix THIS (my daughter and me) my life would fall back into place. IT WILL NOT. IT WILL NOT - IT WILL NOT - YOU FIX YOU - and work on YOU....and ADMIT - (WELL IT"S ME) and the rest STARTS to fall into place - and you START to uncover, and undig, and unearth junk that you may not have remembered for years - IT IS THERE - in your mind - stored away - some of it just forgotten - but things change our lives. TO admit - NOTHING has affected your life and HYPER FOCUS on her? YOu're really cheating yourself - your husband - your other kids.....your friends, the rest of your family - but MOSTLY your quality of life. DId she do wrong too? YOU BET SHE DID. SHE was raised better than this, and she went and got herself hooked up with a BOZO. You told her - and she ignored GOOD logical, advice - WELL -----doesn't that just stink? YUP. And didn't you TRY to make her see what a mistake she was making? SURE - you're her Mom and a good one. But your tactics were wrong, and your behaviors were wrong. All you did was try to get her to see what she was doing and messing up. Maybe chalk it up to really hurtful behaviors. Incorrect parenting - I have no idea what you did. But the minute that you keep trying to fix it over and over and over - YOU give HER the power and control over your life. And you may think -OH oKAY that's okay -----I want her to punish me - and make me feel like dirt - BUT you have to remember she's got someone else there with her pushing buttons WITH her who isn't exactly one of you ----and he's dangerous. SO YOU need to stop the cow-tow behavior ------STOP RUNNING towards them, and like MWM said - DO NOT cry in front of them - no matter what. THE SECOND you let her see that this bothers you () much - HE WINS AGAIN....and quite frankly he's already gotten her - I've told you three times - IF YOU HAVE a chance of getting a relationship with her ever again - the way to do it - is to IMPROVE yourself - MAKE HER WONDER WHAT IN THE WORLD - is going on with Mom - HOW is Mom so strong, WHY isn't it bothering Mom that I'm not in the picture - WHY is Mom happy, without ME????? HOW can that be? BUT IT TAKES TIME - and actually TIME is all you have - because she is CERTAINLY NOT going to come running to you the way things are with you all crying, and begging and trying to get her back. SHe's not like that - NEVER WILL BE. THINK I'm being hard????? Keep running to her and begging for forgiveness - YOU'll SEE HARD, and TOUGH and hurtful. Because He'll be standing behind her handing her advice on how to give UGLY, PAINFUL, MISERY out in SPADES and when she does it to you? HE WILL REWARD HER.......TEN FOLD. AND YOU THINK today hurts? Keep doing what YOU ARE DOING and don't get the help I'm suggesting. I'm not a "tough old broad" I'm not a "Mean old witch" - I'm actually a caring and compassionate person - but I have zero tolerance for "let me ask you what to do" and then does the complete opposite...it's defeating, and counter productive and if you believe I'm wrong? and want to PROVE me and the others wrong (not you per se but anyone in this similar situation) then GO see a therapist. The best way to feel better about anyone else - and how they treat you is to feel better about YOURSELF first - get to know what makes YOU tick...what makes YOU Happy.HOw to set short and long term goals for yourself, work on your SHORTCOMINGS (and I have several I work on daily) ...and then figure out what it is YOU Need to do to attain those goals. I maintain - If no one cared - we wouldn't give you advice from our hearts - because while you think we're being mean? It takes a lot of courage to tell you what WE did wrong, admit it - and tell you how we fixed it so YOU can benefit from MY mistakes. It took my son THREE YEARS -------of very little conversation with me - living with his psychopath father, in parks, under bridges, eating out of dumpsters, ME hanging the phone up on him after stating - GOSH that sounds bad, I bet you'll figure it out - and getting off the phone and CRYING my eyes out but toughing up with every call - knowing these were HIS decisions and HIS consequences - and ALLOWING him to make them - that led to him REALIZING 1.) I was a good-=great Mom, 2.) HE messed his OWN life up, and 3.) HE FIXED his own messes.....4.) I was partially responsible for some of the mistakes - but people are human - and he was just as much to blame for the language and hate spewing.....and trust me - your daughter is 18 and doing this .....I've been getting this from age 5 - 17.......and EVERYTHING was my fault. EVERYTHING. Maybe even a little longer at times when he was really manic - like from BEFORE HE WAS BORN until 21.....so yeah - I may have an idea of what you are going through. And no - I didn't really want to hear what a BAD mother I was in thearpy ------Turns out - I was really a GOOD one. Never know what you'll find out. (shrug) You do have two other kids that are really good ones huh? And you DID come here looking for help - HUH? Just take it a step further ------no big deal......really, really. Hugs & Love Star [/QUOTE]
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