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Need help adult daughter wont talk to me.
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<blockquote data-quote="Signorina" data-source="post: 531703"><p>Dotty, you are hurting and that stinks. Your daughter is making a MESS out if her life and you can't stop it. You know where she's headed; it's not good; it's not the way you raised her; and you feel obligated as a mother to get between her and the bad decisions she is making. And you've tried everything. And when everything didn't work, you escalated your own behavior thinking your passion and anger would be the key to getting thru to her. And it hasn't. She's mirrored your behavior right back to you and now you are locked in a volatile rally of back and forth fury.</p><p></p><p>When my son walked out; I came here. And i heard from the very people who are advising you now. And a part of me thought deep down that my beloved son wasn't a difficult child like the troubled kids of the other posters. That WE had a bond, that I raised him well, that my problem was a miscommunication and I just needed direction in how to get thru to him. That somehow we'd gotten off on the wrong foot and somewhere there was an answer to set my world straight again. And these lovely women told me gently and often and sometimes too directly to get off the merry go round. Before it destroyed me. Because if I didn't, it would be what defined me. And I had other things in my life that needed attention-my h, my younger boys, my friends, my interests and my very self. And if I let my life-my very self-become about my lost boy, I would lose myself and the other people in my life. Becoming consumed with my lost boy was putting my other relationships at risk. I was throwing them away trying to get my son back. And my son has no desire to be back IN THE WAY/IMAGE I want him to be. Maybe he never will. But I hold onto that hope.</p><p></p><p>The hardest thing to come to terms with is the daughter you seek is not available to you right now. That sweet daughter is not on the table of possibilities. She may never be. You can't fix her or you relationship if she is unwilling. And make no mistake; she is unwilling right now. So you can continue in this volatile rally that continues to escalate and fuels the mutual distrust or you can stop. I know how hard "stop" sounds. It's sounds like giving up. But it's not. Because its an empowering decision to "stop" making things worse. It's an empowering decision to choose self preservation. You can do this! Do it for you.</p><p></p><p>I know you think many posters are preaching or judging-but we're not. We know how you feel, we've been where you are. The only redemption is that maybe our journey -our mistakes and our pain-can spare you making the same painful mistakes. Posters gave me answers that hurt sometimes. I got defensive, I cried, and then I said "aha." I know that the lessons I received here and the advice I took saved me from pain and saved me from making our bad situation worse. And that is why I reach out to you.</p><p></p><p>I read an essay by another parent early on my journey in estrangement with my son and this line stayed with me. "Every day I wake up with a desperate need to DO SOMETHING (to fix it) and realize there is nothing I can do. The emptiness just has to be."</p><p></p><p>Right now, you just have to let it be. There is nothing you can do. You've tried. And if it's too hard to let it be-you need to get help for yourself before you let this relationship cost you everything and everybody else. {{{hugs}}}</p><p></p><p>(And to those posters that reached out to me gently and not-so-gently in my times of need-thanks again. XXOO )</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Signorina, post: 531703"] Dotty, you are hurting and that stinks. Your daughter is making a MESS out if her life and you can't stop it. You know where she's headed; it's not good; it's not the way you raised her; and you feel obligated as a mother to get between her and the bad decisions she is making. And you've tried everything. And when everything didn't work, you escalated your own behavior thinking your passion and anger would be the key to getting thru to her. And it hasn't. She's mirrored your behavior right back to you and now you are locked in a volatile rally of back and forth fury. When my son walked out; I came here. And i heard from the very people who are advising you now. And a part of me thought deep down that my beloved son wasn't a difficult child like the troubled kids of the other posters. That WE had a bond, that I raised him well, that my problem was a miscommunication and I just needed direction in how to get thru to him. That somehow we'd gotten off on the wrong foot and somewhere there was an answer to set my world straight again. And these lovely women told me gently and often and sometimes too directly to get off the merry go round. Before it destroyed me. Because if I didn't, it would be what defined me. And I had other things in my life that needed attention-my h, my younger boys, my friends, my interests and my very self. And if I let my life-my very self-become about my lost boy, I would lose myself and the other people in my life. Becoming consumed with my lost boy was putting my other relationships at risk. I was throwing them away trying to get my son back. And my son has no desire to be back IN THE WAY/IMAGE I want him to be. Maybe he never will. But I hold onto that hope. The hardest thing to come to terms with is the daughter you seek is not available to you right now. That sweet daughter is not on the table of possibilities. She may never be. You can't fix her or you relationship if she is unwilling. And make no mistake; she is unwilling right now. So you can continue in this volatile rally that continues to escalate and fuels the mutual distrust or you can stop. I know how hard "stop" sounds. It's sounds like giving up. But it's not. Because its an empowering decision to "stop" making things worse. It's an empowering decision to choose self preservation. You can do this! Do it for you. I know you think many posters are preaching or judging-but we're not. We know how you feel, we've been where you are. The only redemption is that maybe our journey -our mistakes and our pain-can spare you making the same painful mistakes. Posters gave me answers that hurt sometimes. I got defensive, I cried, and then I said "aha." I know that the lessons I received here and the advice I took saved me from pain and saved me from making our bad situation worse. And that is why I reach out to you. I read an essay by another parent early on my journey in estrangement with my son and this line stayed with me. "Every day I wake up with a desperate need to DO SOMETHING (to fix it) and realize there is nothing I can do. The emptiness just has to be." Right now, you just have to let it be. There is nothing you can do. You've tried. And if it's too hard to let it be-you need to get help for yourself before you let this relationship cost you everything and everybody else. {{{hugs}}} (And to those posters that reached out to me gently and not-so-gently in my times of need-thanks again. XXOO ) [/QUOTE]
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