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Need help adult daughter wont talk to me.
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<blockquote data-quote="LeaC" data-source="post: 539024" data-attributes="member: 14858"><p>I understand what you are saying completely, and I know your heart is broken. I went through time in my life, during my late 20's and early 30's when I didn't stay in touch with my mother very well. Now I know this does not compare to what you are going through now. But, my mother kept sending my cards and left messages on my phone anyway, without expecting any return correspondence. Eventually I did resume good contact with her, and I have learned the lesson from her, all these years later (I'm 54) that sometimes we have to accept one-way interaction with our kids. Don't expect anything in return. This is very selfless, I know. But, logically, you will be in HER life. The key is no pressure. OK, so it will be one-way for, maybe a long time. It's better than nothing to me. So you may not have a whole, intact relationship with her, but you will have some contact with her. This probably seems unrealistically objective at this time, and I know how you are suffering. I have observed, from some relationships in my life, that I have been required to do all the giving for a time. Don't you will feel better knowing that you at least did your part in the communication, even if she does not do hers? Some people on this forum may disagree, but I learned that if I want to have my daughter in my life, I had to stop pressuring her for so much return attention. She may well have fallen to a level that is disgusting. And she may marry this undeserving man. She sounds somewhat self-destructive, and that is tough. Does this really turn you off so much that you really cannot bare to even hear about it? You must be very disappointed. You have two choices at this point: keep in touch without any pressure or expectations of having it returned, or cut it off completely to protect yourself. The former will release her from some of her anger, and she may come around. The latter may also bring her back, but I think the second choice will take many more years than the first choice of covering all your emotions. You are hurt and in a completely reactionary mode. Those reactions are a sure way to lose anybody, not just your daughter. Many a spouse has driven away their partner by out of control reactions that go into a tail spin. Whether right or wrong, the other person is not going to respond positively to negative outbursts. And i just had another blow up with my precious daughter, and I am not even sure what happened. BUT, I did blow up at her, and that is something i told myself I would never do again, no matter what. So it is a lifelong struggle to force ourselves to react in ways that lead to calm instead of overheating the situation. I'm glad you have support. I have been through therapy, and I have done tons of reading and research to understand the dynamics of my relationships. Nobody responds well to pressure, especially of they feel invalidated by it. I don't know, I just felt better knowing that I was making very light contact and removing any sense of demands. You're the Mom; give at this time with no sense of wanting anything back at all. The fact that you state that you have been contacting her, but she never calls back, or writes back clearly indicates that one of the issues is that she doesn't RETURN the attentions. I think your daughter is very reactionary, and the only way to settle this down is to stop being reactionary yourself. She is way too immature at this time to process with reason and not with emotion. You CAN <em>create </em>that little point of light and nurture it. It's worth the effort, I think. Take way her reason for rejecting you. She can't claim you are one way or another if you get calm and show her that you are calm. Please save this for the future, I think you will find one day, that I took the time to write to you because I know that changing your behavior will change her behavior. It's a law of human relationships. And, you will need to make quick, cheerful references to activities that you have engaged in socially so she does not feel responsible for your emotions. Even if you have to lie, one day, say something like "Oh, by the way, I had the best time at so-and-sos." or "I am going on a little vacation and I'm looking forward to it."</p><p></p><p>I am a teacher, also, and I somewhat had to learn to specialize in relationships to have things the way I want them. Anger and reactions only make things worse. You will have to sublimate and/or repress your feelings enough to come off like someone who is rational, even though your heart is raging. Very difficult to do, very. But, it works. When complete polarization sets in, the only cure is to back off. </p><p></p><p>If I had known these things in the past, I might still be with my husband. Even though his behavior was difficult to deal with, my reactions played an equal part in our demise. It is our pride and sense of righteousness that causes us to not consider alternative reactions to and affront.</p><p></p><p>I have strong spritiual beliefs that help. I know that I am in her heart and she in mine, even when there is no contact. It just has to be enough for now.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Also, just a thought, but if that jerk wants to play games with the law, you might just have the police over there to bust him for the pot, etc. But this would not help with your relationship with your daughter. It sounds like he is very manipulative. He's using the old trick of "us against them" to get her loyalty. MAKE him wrong be becoming a lady of open-mindedness and the epitomy of self control. That will , strategically, destroy his MO on that level. If you speak to an officer, or to a judge, show them that you the very icon of cool headedness. You have to outsmart this guy. He has street-smarts, but nothing else. You are above him in every way. Show everyone that. At worst, you may have to live with this creep in your life, and have some relationship with your dear daughter.</p><p></p><p>Sent with love, and hopes that you will find some relief. Big hug.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="LeaC, post: 539024, member: 14858"] I understand what you are saying completely, and I know your heart is broken. I went through time in my life, during my late 20's and early 30's when I didn't stay in touch with my mother very well. Now I know this does not compare to what you are going through now. But, my mother kept sending my cards and left messages on my phone anyway, without expecting any return correspondence. Eventually I did resume good contact with her, and I have learned the lesson from her, all these years later (I'm 54) that sometimes we have to accept one-way interaction with our kids. Don't expect anything in return. This is very selfless, I know. But, logically, you will be in HER life. The key is no pressure. OK, so it will be one-way for, maybe a long time. It's better than nothing to me. So you may not have a whole, intact relationship with her, but you will have some contact with her. This probably seems unrealistically objective at this time, and I know how you are suffering. I have observed, from some relationships in my life, that I have been required to do all the giving for a time. Don't you will feel better knowing that you at least did your part in the communication, even if she does not do hers? Some people on this forum may disagree, but I learned that if I want to have my daughter in my life, I had to stop pressuring her for so much return attention. She may well have fallen to a level that is disgusting. And she may marry this undeserving man. She sounds somewhat self-destructive, and that is tough. Does this really turn you off so much that you really cannot bare to even hear about it? You must be very disappointed. You have two choices at this point: keep in touch without any pressure or expectations of having it returned, or cut it off completely to protect yourself. The former will release her from some of her anger, and she may come around. The latter may also bring her back, but I think the second choice will take many more years than the first choice of covering all your emotions. You are hurt and in a completely reactionary mode. Those reactions are a sure way to lose anybody, not just your daughter. Many a spouse has driven away their partner by out of control reactions that go into a tail spin. Whether right or wrong, the other person is not going to respond positively to negative outbursts. And i just had another blow up with my precious daughter, and I am not even sure what happened. BUT, I did blow up at her, and that is something i told myself I would never do again, no matter what. So it is a lifelong struggle to force ourselves to react in ways that lead to calm instead of overheating the situation. I'm glad you have support. I have been through therapy, and I have done tons of reading and research to understand the dynamics of my relationships. Nobody responds well to pressure, especially of they feel invalidated by it. I don't know, I just felt better knowing that I was making very light contact and removing any sense of demands. You're the Mom; give at this time with no sense of wanting anything back at all. The fact that you state that you have been contacting her, but she never calls back, or writes back clearly indicates that one of the issues is that she doesn't RETURN the attentions. I think your daughter is very reactionary, and the only way to settle this down is to stop being reactionary yourself. She is way too immature at this time to process with reason and not with emotion. You CAN [I]create [/I]that little point of light and nurture it. It's worth the effort, I think. Take way her reason for rejecting you. She can't claim you are one way or another if you get calm and show her that you are calm. Please save this for the future, I think you will find one day, that I took the time to write to you because I know that changing your behavior will change her behavior. It's a law of human relationships. And, you will need to make quick, cheerful references to activities that you have engaged in socially so she does not feel responsible for your emotions. Even if you have to lie, one day, say something like "Oh, by the way, I had the best time at so-and-sos." or "I am going on a little vacation and I'm looking forward to it." I am a teacher, also, and I somewhat had to learn to specialize in relationships to have things the way I want them. Anger and reactions only make things worse. You will have to sublimate and/or repress your feelings enough to come off like someone who is rational, even though your heart is raging. Very difficult to do, very. But, it works. When complete polarization sets in, the only cure is to back off. If I had known these things in the past, I might still be with my husband. Even though his behavior was difficult to deal with, my reactions played an equal part in our demise. It is our pride and sense of righteousness that causes us to not consider alternative reactions to and affront. I have strong spritiual beliefs that help. I know that I am in her heart and she in mine, even when there is no contact. It just has to be enough for now. Also, just a thought, but if that jerk wants to play games with the law, you might just have the police over there to bust him for the pot, etc. But this would not help with your relationship with your daughter. It sounds like he is very manipulative. He's using the old trick of "us against them" to get her loyalty. MAKE him wrong be becoming a lady of open-mindedness and the epitomy of self control. That will , strategically, destroy his MO on that level. If you speak to an officer, or to a judge, show them that you the very icon of cool headedness. You have to outsmart this guy. He has street-smarts, but nothing else. You are above him in every way. Show everyone that. At worst, you may have to live with this creep in your life, and have some relationship with your dear daughter. Sent with love, and hopes that you will find some relief. Big hug. [/QUOTE]
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