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Need Help with Defiant Teen, please....
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<blockquote data-quote="exhausted" data-source="post: 543932" data-attributes="member: 11001"><p>Welcome Kaz24, but sorry you have to be here. Your son sounds like my daughter. We have been through 3 and 1/2 years of this. Over two years she spent in 2 different Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s. The running away is how my daughter gets out of consequences. She has gotten worse with every treatment. We now know that it is much more than ADHD and ODD-she has 2 serious mental illnesses-PTSD and Borderline (BPD). We have tried everything including turning her over to the courts so we could get the second Residential Treatment Center (RTC) (we were broke at this point after 18 months of private Residential Treatment Center (RTC).) This did not go so well.</p><p></p><p>My advise is that you begin to attend a Families Annon. meeting. I came here looking for answers as well. I have found that all I can do is change myself. I cannot change anyone else and these kids have decided they are not going to respect rules. There is no way short of jail or an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) that you can keep your son from what he is doing. We lock keys and cash/purses, as well as medications (you never know when they might try something besides pot.) We have learned to begin to detatch. We refuse to pick her up when she goes somewhere without permission, and give her no bus pass. We dangled the chance to get her licence over her head if she would not run away, stay sober and go to school-no go. We do not provide anything but a roof and food-hoping she will get and keep a job (she has lost 2 of those in the last year). She has no house key. Doors are locked at 10:00 and we don't answer them. The only exception is when we know where and who she is with and her arrival time. If she is late-she has to find a place to sleep. We could not get the school district to enforce attendence-so we aloud her to take the GED last Dec. which was a year and a half early-so at least she has that. We have become more serene and interestingly enough, she has made a few improvements-though not enough and still very defiant. The only extra I pay for is counseling and if she desides she wants treatment beyond that-we'll get it somehow.</p><p></p><p>We have ridden this out for almost 1 year since her release from last Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and she will be 18 end of Sep. She will probably go on her own because we have laid out the criteria since she 16 for living in our home. If she can't meet it-then I cannot allow her to upset this family any further. I know the terror and hell you are in-the reality is they have chosen these lives and if they are going down that path-you will kill yourself trying to stop him-what good is that for your family?</p><p></p><p>If you have not tried an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) which is dual diagnostic-mental/behavioral health and substance abuse this might be an option-but I would plan on at least 6 months based on his behaviors. This did not work for us but I know other's it has worked for. Maybe your state has a CHINS you could file. I don't know what services they will provide in your state but others here have done this. You may want to post on the substance abuse board as well. Many there have been through this and they may have wisdom.</p><p></p><p>The one thing I can't stress enough is that you and your wife and even 14 year old attend a 12 step like FA-it has saved our lives literally. Had I known 3 years ago-I could have handled this so much better. Keep us posted, you are not alone.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="exhausted, post: 543932, member: 11001"] Welcome Kaz24, but sorry you have to be here. Your son sounds like my daughter. We have been through 3 and 1/2 years of this. Over two years she spent in 2 different Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s. The running away is how my daughter gets out of consequences. She has gotten worse with every treatment. We now know that it is much more than ADHD and ODD-she has 2 serious mental illnesses-PTSD and Borderline (BPD). We have tried everything including turning her over to the courts so we could get the second Residential Treatment Center (RTC) (we were broke at this point after 18 months of private Residential Treatment Center (RTC).) This did not go so well. My advise is that you begin to attend a Families Annon. meeting. I came here looking for answers as well. I have found that all I can do is change myself. I cannot change anyone else and these kids have decided they are not going to respect rules. There is no way short of jail or an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) that you can keep your son from what he is doing. We lock keys and cash/purses, as well as medications (you never know when they might try something besides pot.) We have learned to begin to detatch. We refuse to pick her up when she goes somewhere without permission, and give her no bus pass. We dangled the chance to get her licence over her head if she would not run away, stay sober and go to school-no go. We do not provide anything but a roof and food-hoping she will get and keep a job (she has lost 2 of those in the last year). She has no house key. Doors are locked at 10:00 and we don't answer them. The only exception is when we know where and who she is with and her arrival time. If she is late-she has to find a place to sleep. We could not get the school district to enforce attendence-so we aloud her to take the GED last Dec. which was a year and a half early-so at least she has that. We have become more serene and interestingly enough, she has made a few improvements-though not enough and still very defiant. The only extra I pay for is counseling and if she desides she wants treatment beyond that-we'll get it somehow. We have ridden this out for almost 1 year since her release from last Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and she will be 18 end of Sep. She will probably go on her own because we have laid out the criteria since she 16 for living in our home. If she can't meet it-then I cannot allow her to upset this family any further. I know the terror and hell you are in-the reality is they have chosen these lives and if they are going down that path-you will kill yourself trying to stop him-what good is that for your family? If you have not tried an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) which is dual diagnostic-mental/behavioral health and substance abuse this might be an option-but I would plan on at least 6 months based on his behaviors. This did not work for us but I know other's it has worked for. Maybe your state has a CHINS you could file. I don't know what services they will provide in your state but others here have done this. You may want to post on the substance abuse board as well. Many there have been through this and they may have wisdom. The one thing I can't stress enough is that you and your wife and even 14 year old attend a 12 step like FA-it has saved our lives literally. Had I known 3 years ago-I could have handled this so much better. Keep us posted, you are not alone. [/QUOTE]
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