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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 42461" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>She can't deny that Jayme was scratched, when her face shows the evidence. I think at some stage you need to sit down (when you haven't got a house full!) and explain that you really love the little guy but yes, he IS like that and you are concerned for him. Make it clear that you feel this probably goes way beyond parenting, but in your house you will expect him to abide by the "no violence" rules. Since girlfriend says he's not like that, then there should be no problem, surely?</p><p></p><p>And yes, I agree with passing on to girlfriend (maybe via your son) some info about evaluations in your area.</p><p></p><p>You said he's in day care 4 days, "nearly all day a week" (I'm not sure what you mean there). I know, from our own experience, that having such a great exposure to day care makes it most unlikely that this is a parenting issue, although it does sound like girlfriend & her mother are a bit namby-pamby in their handling of R. Day care instils really good, positive discipline in kids who are regulars, they work well in groups and are as socialised as it is possible for them to be. So what you see, given the level of day care he gets, is a real worry. He should be much better at sharing, for example. It's a very early concept to 'get', in day care. Just as you have certain strict standards, so does day care. So if he still hasn't 'got' some of these very basic ideas, there is something very wrong and the sooner it's known, the sooner he can be helped.</p><p></p><p>(difficult child 3 was also in day care, but not long day care like his siblings. Despite this he couldn't socialise appropriately and had delayed language development. At first the various authorities tried to tell me that I wasn't communicating with him enough, that he wasn't talking or responding to words because he hadn't been exposed to them. Then I pointed out the high exposure to language from an early age and they said, "Maybe he's not able to get a word in edgewise" - sometimes you're set up for failure with these people! But the point is, difficult child 3 still showed extreme social isolation, even though he had not been socially isolated. By sending him to day care we did him the best favour we could have. What we saw was what was left, that this early social exposure simply couldn't reach.)</p><p></p><p>From girlfriend's point of view, she could be scared that if her child is found to be not perfect, that will cause the prospective marriage to go out the window. As many of us know, it's bad enough to have kids when you're looking for a partner; to have one turn out to be a difficult child kills what faint hopes you might have. She needs to be reassured on this.</p><p>Plus, she wants him to be acceptable to you. To hear from you that you have problems is perhaps the worst thing she fears, after possibly losing her fiance. She's probably very good at denial and won't accept the possibility that there is a problem. If it gets too distressing, you may need to back away and simply accept them both as unconditionally as you can, until she feels more secure about it all.</p><p></p><p>A worry. A big one.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 42461, member: 1991"] She can't deny that Jayme was scratched, when her face shows the evidence. I think at some stage you need to sit down (when you haven't got a house full!) and explain that you really love the little guy but yes, he IS like that and you are concerned for him. Make it clear that you feel this probably goes way beyond parenting, but in your house you will expect him to abide by the "no violence" rules. Since girlfriend says he's not like that, then there should be no problem, surely? And yes, I agree with passing on to girlfriend (maybe via your son) some info about evaluations in your area. You said he's in day care 4 days, "nearly all day a week" (I'm not sure what you mean there). I know, from our own experience, that having such a great exposure to day care makes it most unlikely that this is a parenting issue, although it does sound like girlfriend & her mother are a bit namby-pamby in their handling of R. Day care instils really good, positive discipline in kids who are regulars, they work well in groups and are as socialised as it is possible for them to be. So what you see, given the level of day care he gets, is a real worry. He should be much better at sharing, for example. It's a very early concept to 'get', in day care. Just as you have certain strict standards, so does day care. So if he still hasn't 'got' some of these very basic ideas, there is something very wrong and the sooner it's known, the sooner he can be helped. (difficult child 3 was also in day care, but not long day care like his siblings. Despite this he couldn't socialise appropriately and had delayed language development. At first the various authorities tried to tell me that I wasn't communicating with him enough, that he wasn't talking or responding to words because he hadn't been exposed to them. Then I pointed out the high exposure to language from an early age and they said, "Maybe he's not able to get a word in edgewise" - sometimes you're set up for failure with these people! But the point is, difficult child 3 still showed extreme social isolation, even though he had not been socially isolated. By sending him to day care we did him the best favour we could have. What we saw was what was left, that this early social exposure simply couldn't reach.) From girlfriend's point of view, she could be scared that if her child is found to be not perfect, that will cause the prospective marriage to go out the window. As many of us know, it's bad enough to have kids when you're looking for a partner; to have one turn out to be a difficult child kills what faint hopes you might have. She needs to be reassured on this. Plus, she wants him to be acceptable to you. To hear from you that you have problems is perhaps the worst thing she fears, after possibly losing her fiance. She's probably very good at denial and won't accept the possibility that there is a problem. If it gets too distressing, you may need to back away and simply accept them both as unconditionally as you can, until she feels more secure about it all. A worry. A big one. Marg [/QUOTE]
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