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Need ideas for where my 19 yr old daughter can get help
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<blockquote data-quote="jbrain" data-source="post: 325371" data-attributes="member: 3450"><p>Hi Chris,</p><p>I think one day it hit me like a ton of bricks that my younger dtr (M) was suffering because of her older sister (E) and I made the decision that my younger dtr had to come first. E was nearly 18 years old and M was 15. M was in therapy because to cope with E's verbal and sometimes physical abuse (I didn't know at the time) she was dissociating.</p><p></p><p>We had sent E to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) when she was 16 years old. I thought M was fine--she made good grades, never gave me any trouble, etc. After M had been gone for a couple of months M confessed to me that she was "seeing" a dark man who wanted to kill her and also wanted her to bad things. I was flabbergasted and totally overwhelmed. Well, after being in therapy for about a year M and her therapist decided together that she was dissociating and the dark man was part of her own psyche. </p><p></p><p>Still, I was trying to help E and I would say I was putting her first. But she moved out when she was nearly 18 (she'd hardly been home since she was 16--in and out of rehab) and spent the summer in New England with her boyfriend, living in homeless shelters. She was also visiting emergency rooms on a regular basis because she was having seizures. They turned out to be pseudoseizures (not fake but caused by emotional stress) and she begged to come home. </p><p></p><p>I let her come home on the condition that she get a job, etc. Well, none of that worked and the boyfriend turned up over Labor Day weekend. I ended up kicking her out along with the boyfriend who stayed in our house without my permission and that is when I realized that I owed it to M to put her first after all these years. That meant she could not have E living at our house. E was a major trigger for her dissociating and she could not progress in therapy with E living at our house. Not to mention that E stole from us, lied all the time, etc.</p><p></p><p>I told M that I was putting her first, that her wellbeing had to come first and that E would never live with us again. It was like the blinders totally came off and I saw the situation clearly and I wasn't willing to sacrifice my younger dtr who was trying so hard to get better. E had to sink or swim on her own. And she did. She is a survivor and I should have seen it much earlier. Her coping methods include lying, stealing, manipulating, etc. but she does land on her feet. Once I quit seeing her as this poor emotionally fragile little girl I could see her for who she was.</p><p></p><p>And you know? Once I could see her in a more objective light I could also accept her for who she was. I quit trying to change her and help her and just accepted her as she was. I know now that when I talk to her on the phone I am probably only getting a tiny part of the true picture but it's okay. I take everything she says at face value. If she needs help I help based on how I feel about it. Will I feel taken advantage of or resentful? If so I don't help. If I do help (like sending money) it is with the knowledge that it may not be used for what she says she needs it for and I have to be okay with that.</p><p></p><p>There is a real freedom in acceptance. I don't have to get frustrated anymore because I'm not trying to change her. I have accepted that I can't change her, there is nothing more for me to do. Now I just love her despite her flaws and enjoy the things that make her likeable. She is a very charming person and I enjoy talking with her. She calls just to talk--it isn't always because she needs something from me. Then, I might go weeks without hearing from her. She is respectful towards me and very loving. She might be lying about what she is doing, etc. but I just talk to her as if she is telling the truth because it doesn't really have any affect on my own life. What a relief!</p><p></p><p>So, this was an extremely long answer to your question! Thanks for asking and thanks for reading this if you got this far!</p><p></p><p>Jane</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="jbrain, post: 325371, member: 3450"] Hi Chris, I think one day it hit me like a ton of bricks that my younger dtr (M) was suffering because of her older sister (E) and I made the decision that my younger dtr had to come first. E was nearly 18 years old and M was 15. M was in therapy because to cope with E's verbal and sometimes physical abuse (I didn't know at the time) she was dissociating. We had sent E to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) when she was 16 years old. I thought M was fine--she made good grades, never gave me any trouble, etc. After M had been gone for a couple of months M confessed to me that she was "seeing" a dark man who wanted to kill her and also wanted her to bad things. I was flabbergasted and totally overwhelmed. Well, after being in therapy for about a year M and her therapist decided together that she was dissociating and the dark man was part of her own psyche. Still, I was trying to help E and I would say I was putting her first. But she moved out when she was nearly 18 (she'd hardly been home since she was 16--in and out of rehab) and spent the summer in New England with her boyfriend, living in homeless shelters. She was also visiting emergency rooms on a regular basis because she was having seizures. They turned out to be pseudoseizures (not fake but caused by emotional stress) and she begged to come home. I let her come home on the condition that she get a job, etc. Well, none of that worked and the boyfriend turned up over Labor Day weekend. I ended up kicking her out along with the boyfriend who stayed in our house without my permission and that is when I realized that I owed it to M to put her first after all these years. That meant she could not have E living at our house. E was a major trigger for her dissociating and she could not progress in therapy with E living at our house. Not to mention that E stole from us, lied all the time, etc. I told M that I was putting her first, that her wellbeing had to come first and that E would never live with us again. It was like the blinders totally came off and I saw the situation clearly and I wasn't willing to sacrifice my younger dtr who was trying so hard to get better. E had to sink or swim on her own. And she did. She is a survivor and I should have seen it much earlier. Her coping methods include lying, stealing, manipulating, etc. but she does land on her feet. Once I quit seeing her as this poor emotionally fragile little girl I could see her for who she was. And you know? Once I could see her in a more objective light I could also accept her for who she was. I quit trying to change her and help her and just accepted her as she was. I know now that when I talk to her on the phone I am probably only getting a tiny part of the true picture but it's okay. I take everything she says at face value. If she needs help I help based on how I feel about it. Will I feel taken advantage of or resentful? If so I don't help. If I do help (like sending money) it is with the knowledge that it may not be used for what she says she needs it for and I have to be okay with that. There is a real freedom in acceptance. I don't have to get frustrated anymore because I'm not trying to change her. I have accepted that I can't change her, there is nothing more for me to do. Now I just love her despite her flaws and enjoy the things that make her likeable. She is a very charming person and I enjoy talking with her. She calls just to talk--it isn't always because she needs something from me. Then, I might go weeks without hearing from her. She is respectful towards me and very loving. She might be lying about what she is doing, etc. but I just talk to her as if she is telling the truth because it doesn't really have any affect on my own life. What a relief! So, this was an extremely long answer to your question! Thanks for asking and thanks for reading this if you got this far! Jane [/QUOTE]
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