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Need ideas for where my 19 yr old daughter can get help
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<blockquote data-quote="recovering doormat" data-source="post: 327046" data-attributes="member: 5941"><p>After speaking my therapist, I've decided upon the place in Vermont for my daughter, where the program is almost tailored to the patient. It's very expensive and coming out of my retirement fund, but I need this as much as she does. She needs to get away from us enablers and work on herself. The deal is that I'll pay for it as long as she is putting in the effort. If for some reason this facility doesn't work out, I've located a community group home run by a psychiatric hospital that would be appropriate for her, and it's only a half hour away. </p><p> </p><p>However, I have to confess that I have also put myself in a situation where my doormat and enabler status are confirmed and the recovering part is in question.</p><p> </p><p>Two days ago my daughter said that she was worried that if she did go away to Vermont, or whereever, that she would not be able to visit our German daughter at her home in Germany when school gets out in May. She has also been very upset with the way her younger brother harasses her at their dad's house. She's been saying all along that she can't take the situaton at dad's another minute, can't come to my house, no place to go and she's ready to explode. </p><p> </p><p>I had an emotional epiphany that I should offer to send her to Germany after Christmas for a week with the expectation that she would go to the Vermont facility as soon as a space opened in January (they are full at the moment but expect discharges in teh next two weeks). She nearly fainted with joy and immediately got started researching how to get her passport, airfares, etc. She called the girl in Germany, who was crying with happiness, saying it was the best Christmas present ever.</p><p> </p><p>Fast forward to yesterday, when I saw my therapist in the cold, harsh light of day. </p><p> </p><p>What was I thinking? I'm rewarding a kid with no accountability who doesn't work, doesn't have her license, is possibly still smoking weed, who yesses me when I ask about her taking her medications but doesn't really take responsiblity for making sure that she takes them on time...stopped seeing her therapist (who won't provide additional rx until she shows up)...why am I giving her a reward first, then asking her to do the hard work on herself that she is unable or unwilling to do until now?</p><p> </p><p>The short answer is that I can't stand looking at her in her slothful state and I want to get her out of my sight. Not a good reason.</p><p> </p><p>However, now that I've given her something that makes her happy, I can't take it away. Her dad does that all the time, dangles possibilities and then snatches them away (promised he would send her to a therapeutic school she really wanted to go to, then renegged when he saw the sticker price, even though we both knew he had the funds available). I can't do that to her, so now I'm left justifying myself to my therapist and you all. </p><p> </p><p>What is wrong with me that I still let my emotions rule my parenting and I can't step back and see how I'm being played by my kids? I still see them as fragile, and me as the cause of their emotional disabilities (I left their dad and broke up the family). My therapist said if anyone needs a vacation, it's me. True, but where do I find a re-education camp to deprogram myself from catering to my kids?</p><p> </p><p>I really stepped in it this time. I hope the pain of feeling foolish and stupid will cause me in the future to think things over before I speak.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recovering doormat, post: 327046, member: 5941"] After speaking my therapist, I've decided upon the place in Vermont for my daughter, where the program is almost tailored to the patient. It's very expensive and coming out of my retirement fund, but I need this as much as she does. She needs to get away from us enablers and work on herself. The deal is that I'll pay for it as long as she is putting in the effort. If for some reason this facility doesn't work out, I've located a community group home run by a psychiatric hospital that would be appropriate for her, and it's only a half hour away. However, I have to confess that I have also put myself in a situation where my doormat and enabler status are confirmed and the recovering part is in question. Two days ago my daughter said that she was worried that if she did go away to Vermont, or whereever, that she would not be able to visit our German daughter at her home in Germany when school gets out in May. She has also been very upset with the way her younger brother harasses her at their dad's house. She's been saying all along that she can't take the situaton at dad's another minute, can't come to my house, no place to go and she's ready to explode. I had an emotional epiphany that I should offer to send her to Germany after Christmas for a week with the expectation that she would go to the Vermont facility as soon as a space opened in January (they are full at the moment but expect discharges in teh next two weeks). She nearly fainted with joy and immediately got started researching how to get her passport, airfares, etc. She called the girl in Germany, who was crying with happiness, saying it was the best Christmas present ever. Fast forward to yesterday, when I saw my therapist in the cold, harsh light of day. What was I thinking? I'm rewarding a kid with no accountability who doesn't work, doesn't have her license, is possibly still smoking weed, who yesses me when I ask about her taking her medications but doesn't really take responsiblity for making sure that she takes them on time...stopped seeing her therapist (who won't provide additional rx until she shows up)...why am I giving her a reward first, then asking her to do the hard work on herself that she is unable or unwilling to do until now? The short answer is that I can't stand looking at her in her slothful state and I want to get her out of my sight. Not a good reason. However, now that I've given her something that makes her happy, I can't take it away. Her dad does that all the time, dangles possibilities and then snatches them away (promised he would send her to a therapeutic school she really wanted to go to, then renegged when he saw the sticker price, even though we both knew he had the funds available). I can't do that to her, so now I'm left justifying myself to my therapist and you all. What is wrong with me that I still let my emotions rule my parenting and I can't step back and see how I'm being played by my kids? I still see them as fragile, and me as the cause of their emotional disabilities (I left their dad and broke up the family). My therapist said if anyone needs a vacation, it's me. True, but where do I find a re-education camp to deprogram myself from catering to my kids? I really stepped in it this time. I hope the pain of feeling foolish and stupid will cause me in the future to think things over before I speak. [/QUOTE]
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Need ideas for where my 19 yr old daughter can get help
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