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<blockquote data-quote="jbrain" data-source="post: 261380" data-attributes="member: 3450"><p>Well, I did talk to her after all because my gut was telling me there was far more going on than her just reacting to my husband and me--she seemed withdrawn and depressed and she truly is not a manipulative kid most of the time.</p><p></p><p>It turns out that seeing us like that triggered a bunch of stuff from when she was little--very painful feelings of being left out, feeling like my husband took me away from her. She was only 5 when her dad died and then I started dating really quickly and met my husband 8 months after her dad died.</p><p></p><p> It is more complicated than that though because her older sister was emotionally and physically abusive to her and I had sort of checked out emotionally for awhile. After my husband died I acted pretty much like a crazy woman--I was dating, didn't really have much interest in the kids though I didn't neglect them, just really did not want to be a single parent. I left the 2 younger ones at home a lot with their 12-13 yr old brother to babysit and he was not very good at it.</p><p></p><p>Once husband and I started getting serious it was some better but still he and I went out a few times a week and I still just did not have much interest in the kids. I feel awful about it, I know that time period of about a year and a half had a bad effect on all the kids and I didn't see what difficult child 1 was doing to M and they all felt like they didn't have a mother they could recognize anymore. By the time I came back to my senses and felt like a regular mom again the damage had been done.</p><p></p><p>So, anyway, this episode was really not about me and husband making out on the couch and I'm really glad I talked with M. We had a good talk and I feel much better. I am hoping she will feel better too--she has a lot of unresolved anger but it working on that in therapy. She couldn't get angry as a child--too risky. I am strong enough now to be able to hear about how she felt back then and her life has been stable and unchaotic since her sister left home about 2 and a half years ago so she is feeling safe enough to work through all this stuff.</p><p></p><p>Thanks for all your input, it helped immensely. Once I heard from you guys that this was a major overreaction and that husband and I had done nothing wrong I was able to see that there had to be a lot more to the story, that I had triggered something. You guys helped me see I had nothing to feel guilty about and that made it possible for me to come out of my defensive state of mind and to focus on M.</p><p></p><p>Thanks!</p><p>Jane</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="jbrain, post: 261380, member: 3450"] Well, I did talk to her after all because my gut was telling me there was far more going on than her just reacting to my husband and me--she seemed withdrawn and depressed and she truly is not a manipulative kid most of the time. It turns out that seeing us like that triggered a bunch of stuff from when she was little--very painful feelings of being left out, feeling like my husband took me away from her. She was only 5 when her dad died and then I started dating really quickly and met my husband 8 months after her dad died. It is more complicated than that though because her older sister was emotionally and physically abusive to her and I had sort of checked out emotionally for awhile. After my husband died I acted pretty much like a crazy woman--I was dating, didn't really have much interest in the kids though I didn't neglect them, just really did not want to be a single parent. I left the 2 younger ones at home a lot with their 12-13 yr old brother to babysit and he was not very good at it. Once husband and I started getting serious it was some better but still he and I went out a few times a week and I still just did not have much interest in the kids. I feel awful about it, I know that time period of about a year and a half had a bad effect on all the kids and I didn't see what difficult child 1 was doing to M and they all felt like they didn't have a mother they could recognize anymore. By the time I came back to my senses and felt like a regular mom again the damage had been done. So, anyway, this episode was really not about me and husband making out on the couch and I'm really glad I talked with M. We had a good talk and I feel much better. I am hoping she will feel better too--she has a lot of unresolved anger but it working on that in therapy. She couldn't get angry as a child--too risky. I am strong enough now to be able to hear about how she felt back then and her life has been stable and unchaotic since her sister left home about 2 and a half years ago so she is feeling safe enough to work through all this stuff. Thanks for all your input, it helped immensely. Once I heard from you guys that this was a major overreaction and that husband and I had done nothing wrong I was able to see that there had to be a lot more to the story, that I had triggered something. You guys helped me see I had nothing to feel guilty about and that made it possible for me to come out of my defensive state of mind and to focus on M. Thanks! Jane [/QUOTE]
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