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Parent Emeritus
Need some advice on continued coping with enablers.
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 376604" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Hi ya bean! </p><p> </p><p>How's it going today? I hope well. You know you said something that struck me really odd. I believe you have great parents, but I really sense some resentment between your Mom with your Dad. Unresolved resentment. Maybe I'm wrong all the way around, but I think you need to make the first boundary with your Mother absolutely crystal clear that YOU are NOT your Father. The ****bucket comparison she makes with you and him? Kinda weird. Almost like she's blaming you for doing the same things he did in an angry sort of way or almost like she's not going to allow YOU to make the mistakes SHE thinks HE made with her kids? I dunno. Somethings there (I think) unless I completely missed that whole conversation between the two of you. Or were you and your Dad close growing up - closer maybe than you and she for her to make judgemental snips without even knowing it? Forgive me if I'm off the mark there - but I think I personally would want to make sure that she understood that there is a HUGE difference between my Father's way of parenting ME and MY parenting of a child that has a mental disability. Once that line was drawn perhaps your Mom could make the distinction that you aren't just "****bucketing" all the circumstances with YOUR child, and that she really DOES have issues that need to be addressed and parented MUCH differently than she and your Father parented YOU. </p><p> </p><p>I think that was one of the hardest things for me to get across to my own Mom. While I believe that in this world there is not better Mom than my own, and that I hold no candle in parenting skills to her? It took a lot of explanation that you can NOT just basket A ALL children with a strict and firm hand, consequences and rewards system like I grew up with. YES Mom - it worked for you with myself and NO you did NOT parent me and my sister the same way - however you did NOT raise a child with a mental disorder so give me a little lattitude and please understand that nearly 1000 hours in therapy over the years, countless hours of research on the internet and (here check my list of books read) a once worn out library card and over 150 donated books on childrens disorders do give me a better perspective on what is more helpful - not necessarily RIGHT or correct or a FIX - because if there was a FIX? there wouldn't BE any kids like her past or present - but I'm doing the best I CAN and if you truly want to help ME help HER? If you really LOVE your granddaughter? Please.....trust my judgement in parenting her with set boundaries, and when the rules seem hard? Check with me before you "grandparent" a treat, because one "treat" can wreck months of parenting and it gets exhausting for me to keep starting over. </p><p> </p><p>Maybe something like that? </p><p> </p><p>Hugs</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 376604, member: 4964"] Hi ya bean! How's it going today? I hope well. You know you said something that struck me really odd. I believe you have great parents, but I really sense some resentment between your Mom with your Dad. Unresolved resentment. Maybe I'm wrong all the way around, but I think you need to make the first boundary with your Mother absolutely crystal clear that YOU are NOT your Father. The ****bucket comparison she makes with you and him? Kinda weird. Almost like she's blaming you for doing the same things he did in an angry sort of way or almost like she's not going to allow YOU to make the mistakes SHE thinks HE made with her kids? I dunno. Somethings there (I think) unless I completely missed that whole conversation between the two of you. Or were you and your Dad close growing up - closer maybe than you and she for her to make judgemental snips without even knowing it? Forgive me if I'm off the mark there - but I think I personally would want to make sure that she understood that there is a HUGE difference between my Father's way of parenting ME and MY parenting of a child that has a mental disability. Once that line was drawn perhaps your Mom could make the distinction that you aren't just "****bucketing" all the circumstances with YOUR child, and that she really DOES have issues that need to be addressed and parented MUCH differently than she and your Father parented YOU. I think that was one of the hardest things for me to get across to my own Mom. While I believe that in this world there is not better Mom than my own, and that I hold no candle in parenting skills to her? It took a lot of explanation that you can NOT just basket A ALL children with a strict and firm hand, consequences and rewards system like I grew up with. YES Mom - it worked for you with myself and NO you did NOT parent me and my sister the same way - however you did NOT raise a child with a mental disorder so give me a little lattitude and please understand that nearly 1000 hours in therapy over the years, countless hours of research on the internet and (here check my list of books read) a once worn out library card and over 150 donated books on childrens disorders do give me a better perspective on what is more helpful - not necessarily RIGHT or correct or a FIX - because if there was a FIX? there wouldn't BE any kids like her past or present - but I'm doing the best I CAN and if you truly want to help ME help HER? If you really LOVE your granddaughter? Please.....trust my judgement in parenting her with set boundaries, and when the rules seem hard? Check with me before you "grandparent" a treat, because one "treat" can wreck months of parenting and it gets exhausting for me to keep starting over. Maybe something like that? Hugs [/QUOTE]
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