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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 620199" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Pinned to the top of the Parent Emeritus site, here on Conduct Disorders, is an excellent article about developing the skillset we call "detachment".</p><p></p><p>Please go there and read that.</p><p></p><p>There is a theory, here on the site, that helping our difficult child kids is not like helping a normal child. When we help our difficult child kids, they get worse. The rest of the theory is that we help them best by letting them find bottom. Kindness and understanding encourage manipulation and terror tactics in a difficult child child. The skillset called detachment, which I referenced at the beginning of this post, will sometimes shock a difficult child child into turning himself around.</p><p></p><p>Whether it turns the child around or not, the practice of detaching frees <u>us.</u></p><p></p><p>Please don't think you are the only parents this is happening to.</p><p></p><p>Whether it is the prevalence of drug use these days, or for some other reason, there are many families going through this same, horrible process. The pain and frustration, the anger, the cost in money and in fear that a difficult child child brings into our lives is very hard on marriages.</p><p></p><p>It's hard on careers, too.</p><p></p><p>It's hard on bank accounts, and it's hard on self esteem. There is so much guilt, so many questions about what we've done wrong and how we might pull everything back together for our troubled kids. There is shame, so much shame.</p><p></p><p>My thought regarding your son and his current mindset: Call your Social Services department. It will be in the blue, government pages of your phone book. Ask to speak to a social worker, or to have someone call you back. When they ask for your name, you may say you don't wish to give it, and they will respect that. Explain the basics of what is happening ~ the threats, the drug use, the way your wife feels. Short and sweet, if you can do it. Ask what your options are, relative to a social services placement for a twenty year old male you are afraid to have in your home and cannot afford to place, elsewhere. If your son is going to need physical therapy for his hip as it heals anyway, you might ask about a rehab placement for him. These are nursing home kinds of settings where physical therapy is available. People of any age who need physical therapy or nursing care can be admitted there...especially if they have nowhere to go while they heal.</p><p></p><p>Information is always good. You don't need to act on anything. But knowing you have options will give you strength and courage and hope.</p><p></p><p>Then, call 211. If your area does not have that service, look up United Way online. They will have a local number for your area. This is a source of information, of references and support. Again, you can be anonymous.</p><p></p><p>Like most abusers, your difficult child is used to holding all the power. You and your wife love him. You see the little boy you raised beneath the nastiness and so, you aren't taking him seriously. Your difficult child is verbally and emotionally abusing you both. He is triangulating your relationship to your wife (and hers to you). He is humiliating you both, and threatening a vengeance which, given his past, is very likely to happen.</p><p></p><p>There should be a consequence for that. Otherwise, it will continue to happen. Midwest Mom has posted to you that many parents here on the site have been physically attacked by their grown children. Many have been hospitalized, one with a bleed into her brain...and she took her child back, too.</p><p></p><p>We love them.</p><p></p><p>We are their mothers (and fathers), and we love them.</p><p></p><p>But we have to face what is happening, decide how to deal with it, and change our situations. As you read here on the site, you will recognize your wife and yourself in our stories.</p><p></p><p>You will see your son so clearly through the posts we make regarding our own difficult child kids.</p><p></p><p>Substance Abuse and Parent Emeritus will be most helpful to you.</p><p></p><p>You are here, now. I am so glad you found us. As you read along, as you post to us and receive response, you will begin to feel stronger, less alone with what has happened to your boy, and to your family.</p><p></p><p>I am so sorry this is happening, to you and to your family.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 620199, member: 17461"] Pinned to the top of the Parent Emeritus site, here on Conduct Disorders, is an excellent article about developing the skillset we call "detachment". Please go there and read that. There is a theory, here on the site, that helping our difficult child kids is not like helping a normal child. When we help our difficult child kids, they get worse. The rest of the theory is that we help them best by letting them find bottom. Kindness and understanding encourage manipulation and terror tactics in a difficult child child. The skillset called detachment, which I referenced at the beginning of this post, will sometimes shock a difficult child child into turning himself around. Whether it turns the child around or not, the practice of detaching frees [U]us.[/U] Please don't think you are the only parents this is happening to. Whether it is the prevalence of drug use these days, or for some other reason, there are many families going through this same, horrible process. The pain and frustration, the anger, the cost in money and in fear that a difficult child child brings into our lives is very hard on marriages. It's hard on careers, too. It's hard on bank accounts, and it's hard on self esteem. There is so much guilt, so many questions about what we've done wrong and how we might pull everything back together for our troubled kids. There is shame, so much shame. My thought regarding your son and his current mindset: Call your Social Services department. It will be in the blue, government pages of your phone book. Ask to speak to a social worker, or to have someone call you back. When they ask for your name, you may say you don't wish to give it, and they will respect that. Explain the basics of what is happening ~ the threats, the drug use, the way your wife feels. Short and sweet, if you can do it. Ask what your options are, relative to a social services placement for a twenty year old male you are afraid to have in your home and cannot afford to place, elsewhere. If your son is going to need physical therapy for his hip as it heals anyway, you might ask about a rehab placement for him. These are nursing home kinds of settings where physical therapy is available. People of any age who need physical therapy or nursing care can be admitted there...especially if they have nowhere to go while they heal. Information is always good. You don't need to act on anything. But knowing you have options will give you strength and courage and hope. Then, call 211. If your area does not have that service, look up United Way online. They will have a local number for your area. This is a source of information, of references and support. Again, you can be anonymous. Like most abusers, your difficult child is used to holding all the power. You and your wife love him. You see the little boy you raised beneath the nastiness and so, you aren't taking him seriously. Your difficult child is verbally and emotionally abusing you both. He is triangulating your relationship to your wife (and hers to you). He is humiliating you both, and threatening a vengeance which, given his past, is very likely to happen. There should be a consequence for that. Otherwise, it will continue to happen. Midwest Mom has posted to you that many parents here on the site have been physically attacked by their grown children. Many have been hospitalized, one with a bleed into her brain...and she took her child back, too. We love them. We are their mothers (and fathers), and we love them. But we have to face what is happening, decide how to deal with it, and change our situations. As you read here on the site, you will recognize your wife and yourself in our stories. You will see your son so clearly through the posts we make regarding our own difficult child kids. Substance Abuse and Parent Emeritus will be most helpful to you. You are here, now. I am so glad you found us. As you read along, as you post to us and receive response, you will begin to feel stronger, less alone with what has happened to your boy, and to your family. I am so sorry this is happening, to you and to your family. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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