Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
Need some advice
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Echolette" data-source="post: 620214" data-attributes="member: 17269"><p>GB,</p><p></p><p>welcome to the site, and please do move on over to Parents Emeritus, because you fit with us...the ones with adult children, the ones who are past high school, past their minority, past adolescence and IEPs and past our ability to make them do much of anything.</p><p></p><p>You have been tolerating a lot from your son...probably more than you even know. And how he is treating you is wrong...inexcusable, inexplicable, intolerable, and wrong. </p><p></p><p>It is not OK to steal things from you. </p><p></p><p>It is not OK to behave in a violent manner, punching walls and breaking things. </p><p></p><p>It is not OK to use illegal drugs. </p><p></p><p>You don't say what his life situation is...is he in school? Does he work? Does he live with you? If so does he pay rent, contribute to utilities and groceries? Does he have a car? Did he buy it and pay for it? How about his cell phone?</p><p></p><p>I think I know the answers to these questions, but I'd still like to hear them.</p><p></p><p>I am a mom too. I thought my ex husband was too hard on our son, set the lines too brightly. In fairness my ex was absent and inconsistent, and very clearly favored our other sons over our difficult child even before he was a difficult child (when he was little and cute and clueless instead of big and clueless and off). So in some ways I did have to push back, and defend our boy. But in other ways, GB...he was right and I was wrong.</p><p></p><p>I was wrong and the teachers and therapists and tutors who said he was capable of more and was manipulating me....they were right. I just thought...they don't understand. They don't seee how helpless and afraid he is. They don't see how impaired he is, how no diagnosis fits him, how much he has to be helped, how little he understands..he doesn't GET that stealing from his brothers and parents is wrong. He doesn't GET stuff.</p><p></p><p>Uh...Duh. That was wrong on my part.</p><p></p><p>I feel for you and for your wife. But I can also see pretty clearly, and one thing I know is that whatever you have been doing with your son IS NOT WORKING. Not for him. Not for you. HOusing an angry threatening hostile drug using adult male thief is NOT WORKING for you. I am sure you have loved him, explained to him, disciplined him, forgiven him, role-modelled for him, sought outside help for him, tried versions of tough love and of complete acceptance, tolerated him, explained him away....and none of those have brought you to a good place. Think hard, GB. What has all that brought you? How will continuing on those lines help you or your son now?</p><p></p><p>I agree with Child's suggestion that you ask your wife to read these pages (the parents emeritus ones, that is). The stories are so similar that at some point she may realize that your son is not the sad exception that only she can help or understand...he is a difficult child, like all of ours. A really bad person at this point in time. That how he IS is not OK. That she cannot love that away, or weep that away, or teach that away. At 20----only he can make it go away, and it doesn't even sound like he thinks it NEEDS to go away...in fact he is annoyed that he is bedridden and therefore less intimidating to you...and he is threatening you even while you care for him!!!</p><p></p><p>I know you know all this already.</p><p></p><p>We are all really so so sad for you, and for your family. </p><p></p><p>We are really glad you found us. It helps to not be alone. </p><p></p><p>Echo</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Echolette, post: 620214, member: 17269"] GB, welcome to the site, and please do move on over to Parents Emeritus, because you fit with us...the ones with adult children, the ones who are past high school, past their minority, past adolescence and IEPs and past our ability to make them do much of anything. You have been tolerating a lot from your son...probably more than you even know. And how he is treating you is wrong...inexcusable, inexplicable, intolerable, and wrong. It is not OK to steal things from you. It is not OK to behave in a violent manner, punching walls and breaking things. It is not OK to use illegal drugs. You don't say what his life situation is...is he in school? Does he work? Does he live with you? If so does he pay rent, contribute to utilities and groceries? Does he have a car? Did he buy it and pay for it? How about his cell phone? I think I know the answers to these questions, but I'd still like to hear them. I am a mom too. I thought my ex husband was too hard on our son, set the lines too brightly. In fairness my ex was absent and inconsistent, and very clearly favored our other sons over our difficult child even before he was a difficult child (when he was little and cute and clueless instead of big and clueless and off). So in some ways I did have to push back, and defend our boy. But in other ways, GB...he was right and I was wrong. I was wrong and the teachers and therapists and tutors who said he was capable of more and was manipulating me....they were right. I just thought...they don't understand. They don't seee how helpless and afraid he is. They don't see how impaired he is, how no diagnosis fits him, how much he has to be helped, how little he understands..he doesn't GET that stealing from his brothers and parents is wrong. He doesn't GET stuff. Uh...Duh. That was wrong on my part. I feel for you and for your wife. But I can also see pretty clearly, and one thing I know is that whatever you have been doing with your son IS NOT WORKING. Not for him. Not for you. HOusing an angry threatening hostile drug using adult male thief is NOT WORKING for you. I am sure you have loved him, explained to him, disciplined him, forgiven him, role-modelled for him, sought outside help for him, tried versions of tough love and of complete acceptance, tolerated him, explained him away....and none of those have brought you to a good place. Think hard, GB. What has all that brought you? How will continuing on those lines help you or your son now? I agree with Child's suggestion that you ask your wife to read these pages (the parents emeritus ones, that is). The stories are so similar that at some point she may realize that your son is not the sad exception that only she can help or understand...he is a difficult child, like all of ours. A really bad person at this point in time. That how he IS is not OK. That she cannot love that away, or weep that away, or teach that away. At 20----only he can make it go away, and it doesn't even sound like he thinks it NEEDS to go away...in fact he is annoyed that he is bedridden and therefore less intimidating to you...and he is threatening you even while you care for him!!! I know you know all this already. We are all really so so sad for you, and for your family. We are really glad you found us. It helps to not be alone. Echo [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
Need some advice
Top