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Need Some Help for My Friend's Son with Aspergers ........
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 362554" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>On the subject of learning new coping skills - it's not that easy. The expectation in the system is, "these kids can cope because they have the capability of learning new coping skills. They are, after all, highly intelligent."</p><p></p><p>The trouble is, being highly intelligent does not mean their brains are mature enough to make the leaps that are sometimes expected of them. Sometimes it's a matter of waiting until they have matured sufficiently. Some things can't be forced.</p><p></p><p>For example, you may observe that you have a highly intelligent toddler, but that toddler is still unable to formulate complex algebraic equations. That, even if you force it, is going to take a few more years. Firth the child has to learn to count, then to read numbers, then to recognise the validity of abstract representation by pronumerals, then to understand mathematic operators... you see? There are steps which have to happen and they have to ALL happen, when the brain is ready. Generally a toddler is focussing on learning how to walk without falling down the stairs...</p><p></p><p>We had this problem with difficult child 3's English teacher in Grade 9. A lovely lady, determined to help. But she was expecting far more of difficult child 3 than he was capable of. Yes, he could read fluently with a vocabulary at university level. But it was all concrete. hen she asked a question such as, "Why do you think Bob reacted the way he did, to what Jim said about his mother?" the question was not only too abstract, it was too far removed from difficult child 3's own understanding. Theory of mind - look it up. difficult child 3 is able NOW to understand theory of mind when he stops to concentrate, but in a panicking situation, his mind snaps back to instinctive, and theory of mind goes out the window. The English teacher would say things to difficult child 3 like, "You're a clever kid. I know you understand more than you let on. You've got your other bluffed, but you can't fool me."</p><p>difficult child 3 would grin in embarrassment (I can read his body language) and the teacher would take this for acknowledgement that she was right and that difficult child 3 was admitting to it. In reality, difficult child 3 was smiling because the teacher was smiling, and because her focus on him was so intense that he was embarrassed. He would look away - another symptom of guilt, as far as the teacher was concerned. And she was so convinced that nothing I could say would persuade her differently. It was very frustrating.</p><p></p><p>These kids will give you the answers they think you want to hear. You can even get an Aspie to admit they did something they didn't, to make the intense interrogation stop. These kids have to be questioned about things in a very impartial, detached way that does not prompt the answer, or you will never get the truth. Not tat the child is naturally deceptive - they tend to be truthful especially as they get older, because they are so bad at lying that they generally get aught out if they try it. But sometimes in their own minds, the truth can become what they think you want to hear - and then in the child's mind, that becomes defined as "truth".</p><p>For example when difficult child 3 was in Grade 3 and he reported to me that a group of boys were hassling him and tripped him over in the playground. His friend witnessed it and backed up the story to me as I applied the dressings to the bleeding knees. But when I reported the incident to the teacher, who didn't want to be bothered having to deal with it, the teacher "interrogated" difficult child 3 and said, "Now you know it didn't happen that way. All those boys agree, you tripped over your own feet. Your friend was just lying. So you made a mistake, didn't you? Because of your autism you sometimes don't see what really happened, you can get it wrong."</p><p>difficult child 3 came home to me and said, "Mr K said I must have seen things wrong because of my autism. And I was so sure I saw L stick his foot out and his mates laughing. I guess I must have seen it wrong..." he was really puzzled and confused, because the teacher 're-wrote' the story and it didn't gel with his own senses, but the teacher must be right, by definition. I spoke to friend - he had clearly been 'disciplined' by the bullies and would not speak about it at all, since the last time he told me the truth he had got into trouble - with the teacher, and then with the bullies. Poor kid. A bad lesson for him, that's what you get for sticking up for what is right and asking a grown-up for help.</p><p></p><p>I was furious - but damage done, too difficult to un-do. It was the last time I tried to enlist help from that teacher. From that point on, I knew him to be unreliable, untruthful, expedient and a waste of space. And I could do nothing about that incident - the witnesses had been cowed and tainted, the truth re-written.</p><p></p><p>This happens to Aspies and Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids. it happens far too much. It happens THE MAJORITY OF THE TIME. Not just occasionally. You wonder why your Aspie child is increasingly aggressive and your discipline or social lessons are not working - it's because out there away from you, society is conspiring against your child. he is different therefore must be attacked.</p><p></p><p>I don't know if you can get your hands on a copy of the film "The Black Balloon" on DVD, but in the Special Features there is an interview with the main actors (neither of whom have autism) about how they practised for the role by going out in public "in character". Luke Ford, who played the profoundly autistic brother, told how in public as someone with autism, he was horrified to find himself being deliberately baited whenever he was alone even briefly. And this was coming from people who should have known better, although he said the worst offenders were male and under 25. He said it gave him a new respect for the problems these kids have to face every minute of every day.</p><p>There is a harrowing scene in the film of this sort of goading and bullying as well as the misunderstandings that so often happen when adults come to the rescue and attack the wrong person. Despite that, it is a very uplifting film, especially for the easy child siblings to see. It's also got its funny bits - because when you live with this, you have to keep your sense of the ridiculous.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 362554, member: 1991"] On the subject of learning new coping skills - it's not that easy. The expectation in the system is, "these kids can cope because they have the capability of learning new coping skills. They are, after all, highly intelligent." The trouble is, being highly intelligent does not mean their brains are mature enough to make the leaps that are sometimes expected of them. Sometimes it's a matter of waiting until they have matured sufficiently. Some things can't be forced. For example, you may observe that you have a highly intelligent toddler, but that toddler is still unable to formulate complex algebraic equations. That, even if you force it, is going to take a few more years. Firth the child has to learn to count, then to read numbers, then to recognise the validity of abstract representation by pronumerals, then to understand mathematic operators... you see? There are steps which have to happen and they have to ALL happen, when the brain is ready. Generally a toddler is focussing on learning how to walk without falling down the stairs... We had this problem with difficult child 3's English teacher in Grade 9. A lovely lady, determined to help. But she was expecting far more of difficult child 3 than he was capable of. Yes, he could read fluently with a vocabulary at university level. But it was all concrete. hen she asked a question such as, "Why do you think Bob reacted the way he did, to what Jim said about his mother?" the question was not only too abstract, it was too far removed from difficult child 3's own understanding. Theory of mind - look it up. difficult child 3 is able NOW to understand theory of mind when he stops to concentrate, but in a panicking situation, his mind snaps back to instinctive, and theory of mind goes out the window. The English teacher would say things to difficult child 3 like, "You're a clever kid. I know you understand more than you let on. You've got your other bluffed, but you can't fool me." difficult child 3 would grin in embarrassment (I can read his body language) and the teacher would take this for acknowledgement that she was right and that difficult child 3 was admitting to it. In reality, difficult child 3 was smiling because the teacher was smiling, and because her focus on him was so intense that he was embarrassed. He would look away - another symptom of guilt, as far as the teacher was concerned. And she was so convinced that nothing I could say would persuade her differently. It was very frustrating. These kids will give you the answers they think you want to hear. You can even get an Aspie to admit they did something they didn't, to make the intense interrogation stop. These kids have to be questioned about things in a very impartial, detached way that does not prompt the answer, or you will never get the truth. Not tat the child is naturally deceptive - they tend to be truthful especially as they get older, because they are so bad at lying that they generally get aught out if they try it. But sometimes in their own minds, the truth can become what they think you want to hear - and then in the child's mind, that becomes defined as "truth". For example when difficult child 3 was in Grade 3 and he reported to me that a group of boys were hassling him and tripped him over in the playground. His friend witnessed it and backed up the story to me as I applied the dressings to the bleeding knees. But when I reported the incident to the teacher, who didn't want to be bothered having to deal with it, the teacher "interrogated" difficult child 3 and said, "Now you know it didn't happen that way. All those boys agree, you tripped over your own feet. Your friend was just lying. So you made a mistake, didn't you? Because of your autism you sometimes don't see what really happened, you can get it wrong." difficult child 3 came home to me and said, "Mr K said I must have seen things wrong because of my autism. And I was so sure I saw L stick his foot out and his mates laughing. I guess I must have seen it wrong..." he was really puzzled and confused, because the teacher 're-wrote' the story and it didn't gel with his own senses, but the teacher must be right, by definition. I spoke to friend - he had clearly been 'disciplined' by the bullies and would not speak about it at all, since the last time he told me the truth he had got into trouble - with the teacher, and then with the bullies. Poor kid. A bad lesson for him, that's what you get for sticking up for what is right and asking a grown-up for help. I was furious - but damage done, too difficult to un-do. It was the last time I tried to enlist help from that teacher. From that point on, I knew him to be unreliable, untruthful, expedient and a waste of space. And I could do nothing about that incident - the witnesses had been cowed and tainted, the truth re-written. This happens to Aspies and Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids. it happens far too much. It happens THE MAJORITY OF THE TIME. Not just occasionally. You wonder why your Aspie child is increasingly aggressive and your discipline or social lessons are not working - it's because out there away from you, society is conspiring against your child. he is different therefore must be attacked. I don't know if you can get your hands on a copy of the film "The Black Balloon" on DVD, but in the Special Features there is an interview with the main actors (neither of whom have autism) about how they practised for the role by going out in public "in character". Luke Ford, who played the profoundly autistic brother, told how in public as someone with autism, he was horrified to find himself being deliberately baited whenever he was alone even briefly. And this was coming from people who should have known better, although he said the worst offenders were male and under 25. He said it gave him a new respect for the problems these kids have to face every minute of every day. There is a harrowing scene in the film of this sort of goading and bullying as well as the misunderstandings that so often happen when adults come to the rescue and attack the wrong person. Despite that, it is a very uplifting film, especially for the easy child siblings to see. It's also got its funny bits - because when you live with this, you have to keep your sense of the ridiculous. Marg [/QUOTE]
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