Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
Need suggestions about therapist
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 172631" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>klmno, you said, "If you don't mind me asking (just don't answer if you do), did you ever have a therapist work with you and /or husband and your difficult child 1 about triggers, de-escalation, awareness of the cycling, etc? If so, what was the method they used?"</p><p></p><p>YES. Always, it seemed. It varied a bit, but generally I would be involved in the first part of the session, we would talk about any problems that had been a concern for me' reports from teachers, for example. Then about halfway through (sometimes less) I would let the counsellor have time along with the difficult child (it was generally difficult child 3) during which time the counsellor would often bringup stuff I'd mentioned, leaving difficult child 3 convinced the counsellor was a mind-reader.</p><p></p><p>If we had time (and we often didn't) the counsellor would then debrief me on the session (very quickly - it was usually on the steps while difficult child 3 was running around the yard) so I could dovetail in with what they had agreed on. Then on the drive home, difficult child 3 & I would talk about the session, any strategies recommended and try to develop a plan of action.</p><p></p><p>This worked better than anything else. This was perhaps the second-best counsellor we found.</p><p></p><p>But we moved on - I didn't feel we were getting enough proactive help. At the time I needed a therapist to tell me what to do with regard to schooling and the problems I was having with bureaucracy blocking our applications for correspondence school instead. And this guy just wouldn't stick his neck out that far, although when I told him tat was what we would be doing, he almost stood up and cheered.</p><p></p><p>Later on, we needed a counsellor for other aspects of difficult child 3's ongoing management, especially his evening rages ("Explosive Child" did most of the work; it was about the time I found you guys). This therapist had some great strategies for difficult child 3, although it did involve bribes. But non-material bribes, and this is how we've continued. difficult child 3 needs to learn to knuckle down and work, and not stress about the mechanics of getting started with his work. He's willing to work, just doesn't always know how to get started.</p><p></p><p>We've also had therapists for easy child 2/difficult child 2 and difficult child 1, with respect to their own issues (anxiety, plus rages, with easy child 2/difficult child 2). For most of those, I was present throughout.</p><p></p><p>When easy child was molested and we got her into counselling at age 7, the counselling was done almost entirely in my absence. I was also given NO feedback, "because it's confidential". I had absolutely no way to assess whether the counselling was doing good or not, or whether it could have been adding to the damage done. I also was not given any information about the abuse itself, and now easy child is older and blocked it out, she wants to know about it and I can't tell her.</p><p>It was easy child who told me that her counselling could stop and could I please tell her therapist. It shouldn't have had to be left to a 7 year old, even one as perceptive and capable as she was.</p><p></p><p>difficult child 1 was the first of my kids identified with a problem. His first doctor was a paediatrician by qualification (this is usual in Australia; paeds are often the ones who treat ADHD and Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)) but played therapist a great deal, to the point where the doctor would make appointments with me and tell me to not worry about taking difficult child 1 out of school for that appointment; my report would suffice. He then increasingly began to treat me as a client with him as the therapist, trying to analyse me. He actually said that I was too cool, too in control of my emotions and that this was unhealthy since I was clearly cold, repressed and so uptight that if/when I cracked, it would be a disaster for everyone around me, especially my family. It would do me good, he said, to lose my temper.</p><p>By this stage I was starting to hear "Twilight Zone" theme playing in my head, so I carefully did not react but just thanked him for the latest prescription slip and left. I really got nervous when this bloke tried to make an appointment for the next session and chose a particular date which suited me well. "Oh good," I said. "That is my husband's flexiday. We can come in to see you, then continue on to the mall to do our grocery shopping. I wouldn't have to drive, which would be good."</p><p>The doctor's response was, "Oh, sorry, that day won't be suitable after all." And he wouldn't be budged. It was clear he was refusing to see me with my husband present.</p><p></p><p>I won't go into details about how I responded; I did wait until the next appointment before tackling him on the subject (and husband managed to shift his day off so he could come; but at the last minute waited in the car outside, since the doctor clearly didn't want him there. husband was actually in line of sight through the doctor's window, only the doctor didn't know it).</p><p></p><p>End result - we waved bye-bye to the loony doctor who thought he was a psychiatrist and who was so determined to make me angry and react, that he was prepared to muck around badly with difficult child 1's medications to do so. "You want your next prescription? What dose? Well, we could halve his dose; or we could double it. Or leave it the same. What do you think?"</p><p></p><p>I thought it was time to leave, but I needed the piece of paper. So I GOT the piece of paper, THEN left. After I had the prescription filled I rang the doctor to cancel all future appointments and gave the name of the doctor to whom difficult child 1's file should be sent.</p><p></p><p>Some therapists are really good at ideas and selling themselves and not so good on the follow-through. Some ARE good, but are biding their time and also trying to reassure you that they have handled difficult clients in the past, so don't feel too concerned they'll be out of their depth.</p><p></p><p>I don't know which this one is. However, he made some promises and you are quite within your rights to begin each session with, "On [x date] you suggested the following as strategies you intended to put in place next session. Is there a reason you have delayed? And are we going to be working on this today?"</p><p></p><p>Lessons I learned:</p><p></p><p>1) Trust your instincts. If you feel frustrated at lack of progress, then it's likely things ARE progressing too slowly.</p><p></p><p>2) Speak your mind. It can be done politely, but still be firm and effective. Follow standard conflict resolution rules and use "I" statements, not "you" statements. For example, with the creepy doctor I described above, I did NOT say, "You are one sick puppy, wanting to see me alone like this. What on earth are you trying on?" Instead, I said, "I felt very uncomfortable when you wanted to see me without my husband, and also without the patient himself - my son."</p><p>The fact that I got the same reaction with the second method that I would have got with the first - told me I was on the right track, I was right to feel "icky" about it. The guy hit back hard with "What sort of sick mind do you have?" when really, I hadn't said anything at all to accuse him. When I pointed this out, he squirmed. I refer back to (1). That told me I had been right to trust my instincts.</p><p></p><p>3) Do your homework. If you have a tentative referral in place, and a firm appointment with the possible new therapist, then you can feel safer in confronting the current therapist and asking for action. If action is forthcoming and you leave thinking that at last you had a good session, you can always cancel the appointment with the new bloke. But if your feelings are correct, then you have a back-up plan already in place.</p><p></p><p>Good luck with this. </p><p></p><p>And one last point - the last tdocs my two youngest kids have seen both terminated the session series each time, when they felt they had done all the kid needed, for now. The sessions were terminated with, "Keep doing the breathing exercises, follow the strategies you and I agreed on, and call me if/when you want to pick up again. But I think you're doing great right now, you don't need me for the moment."</p><p></p><p>A therapist with a finite goal - there should be more of them.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 172631, member: 1991"] klmno, you said, "If you don't mind me asking (just don't answer if you do), did you ever have a therapist work with you and /or husband and your difficult child 1 about triggers, de-escalation, awareness of the cycling, etc? If so, what was the method they used?" YES. Always, it seemed. It varied a bit, but generally I would be involved in the first part of the session, we would talk about any problems that had been a concern for me' reports from teachers, for example. Then about halfway through (sometimes less) I would let the counsellor have time along with the difficult child (it was generally difficult child 3) during which time the counsellor would often bringup stuff I'd mentioned, leaving difficult child 3 convinced the counsellor was a mind-reader. If we had time (and we often didn't) the counsellor would then debrief me on the session (very quickly - it was usually on the steps while difficult child 3 was running around the yard) so I could dovetail in with what they had agreed on. Then on the drive home, difficult child 3 & I would talk about the session, any strategies recommended and try to develop a plan of action. This worked better than anything else. This was perhaps the second-best counsellor we found. But we moved on - I didn't feel we were getting enough proactive help. At the time I needed a therapist to tell me what to do with regard to schooling and the problems I was having with bureaucracy blocking our applications for correspondence school instead. And this guy just wouldn't stick his neck out that far, although when I told him tat was what we would be doing, he almost stood up and cheered. Later on, we needed a counsellor for other aspects of difficult child 3's ongoing management, especially his evening rages ("Explosive Child" did most of the work; it was about the time I found you guys). This therapist had some great strategies for difficult child 3, although it did involve bribes. But non-material bribes, and this is how we've continued. difficult child 3 needs to learn to knuckle down and work, and not stress about the mechanics of getting started with his work. He's willing to work, just doesn't always know how to get started. We've also had therapists for easy child 2/difficult child 2 and difficult child 1, with respect to their own issues (anxiety, plus rages, with easy child 2/difficult child 2). For most of those, I was present throughout. When easy child was molested and we got her into counselling at age 7, the counselling was done almost entirely in my absence. I was also given NO feedback, "because it's confidential". I had absolutely no way to assess whether the counselling was doing good or not, or whether it could have been adding to the damage done. I also was not given any information about the abuse itself, and now easy child is older and blocked it out, she wants to know about it and I can't tell her. It was easy child who told me that her counselling could stop and could I please tell her therapist. It shouldn't have had to be left to a 7 year old, even one as perceptive and capable as she was. difficult child 1 was the first of my kids identified with a problem. His first doctor was a paediatrician by qualification (this is usual in Australia; paeds are often the ones who treat ADHD and Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)) but played therapist a great deal, to the point where the doctor would make appointments with me and tell me to not worry about taking difficult child 1 out of school for that appointment; my report would suffice. He then increasingly began to treat me as a client with him as the therapist, trying to analyse me. He actually said that I was too cool, too in control of my emotions and that this was unhealthy since I was clearly cold, repressed and so uptight that if/when I cracked, it would be a disaster for everyone around me, especially my family. It would do me good, he said, to lose my temper. By this stage I was starting to hear "Twilight Zone" theme playing in my head, so I carefully did not react but just thanked him for the latest prescription slip and left. I really got nervous when this bloke tried to make an appointment for the next session and chose a particular date which suited me well. "Oh good," I said. "That is my husband's flexiday. We can come in to see you, then continue on to the mall to do our grocery shopping. I wouldn't have to drive, which would be good." The doctor's response was, "Oh, sorry, that day won't be suitable after all." And he wouldn't be budged. It was clear he was refusing to see me with my husband present. I won't go into details about how I responded; I did wait until the next appointment before tackling him on the subject (and husband managed to shift his day off so he could come; but at the last minute waited in the car outside, since the doctor clearly didn't want him there. husband was actually in line of sight through the doctor's window, only the doctor didn't know it). End result - we waved bye-bye to the loony doctor who thought he was a psychiatrist and who was so determined to make me angry and react, that he was prepared to muck around badly with difficult child 1's medications to do so. "You want your next prescription? What dose? Well, we could halve his dose; or we could double it. Or leave it the same. What do you think?" I thought it was time to leave, but I needed the piece of paper. So I GOT the piece of paper, THEN left. After I had the prescription filled I rang the doctor to cancel all future appointments and gave the name of the doctor to whom difficult child 1's file should be sent. Some therapists are really good at ideas and selling themselves and not so good on the follow-through. Some ARE good, but are biding their time and also trying to reassure you that they have handled difficult clients in the past, so don't feel too concerned they'll be out of their depth. I don't know which this one is. However, he made some promises and you are quite within your rights to begin each session with, "On [x date] you suggested the following as strategies you intended to put in place next session. Is there a reason you have delayed? And are we going to be working on this today?" Lessons I learned: 1) Trust your instincts. If you feel frustrated at lack of progress, then it's likely things ARE progressing too slowly. 2) Speak your mind. It can be done politely, but still be firm and effective. Follow standard conflict resolution rules and use "I" statements, not "you" statements. For example, with the creepy doctor I described above, I did NOT say, "You are one sick puppy, wanting to see me alone like this. What on earth are you trying on?" Instead, I said, "I felt very uncomfortable when you wanted to see me without my husband, and also without the patient himself - my son." The fact that I got the same reaction with the second method that I would have got with the first - told me I was on the right track, I was right to feel "icky" about it. The guy hit back hard with "What sort of sick mind do you have?" when really, I hadn't said anything at all to accuse him. When I pointed this out, he squirmed. I refer back to (1). That told me I had been right to trust my instincts. 3) Do your homework. If you have a tentative referral in place, and a firm appointment with the possible new therapist, then you can feel safer in confronting the current therapist and asking for action. If action is forthcoming and you leave thinking that at last you had a good session, you can always cancel the appointment with the new bloke. But if your feelings are correct, then you have a back-up plan already in place. Good luck with this. And one last point - the last tdocs my two youngest kids have seen both terminated the session series each time, when they felt they had done all the kid needed, for now. The sessions were terminated with, "Keep doing the breathing exercises, follow the strategies you and I agreed on, and call me if/when you want to pick up again. But I think you're doing great right now, you don't need me for the moment." A therapist with a finite goal - there should be more of them. Marg [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
Need suggestions about therapist
Top