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Need to post, difficult child not doing well
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<blockquote data-quote="ScentofCedar" data-source="post: 39525" data-attributes="member: 3353"><p>I'm so sorry, hearthope.</p><p></p><p>It helped me to remember that I told my son the truth. Once I allowed myself to understand what the situation was, once I told him that I would not watch him destroy himself, it was easier to say the things I had to say.</p><p></p><p>For us, that did not begin happening until difficult child was twenty-nine and I found this site.</p><p></p><p>If your son is determined to go this way, there is very little you can do to stop him.</p><p></p><p>Tell the truth with love, as one of the others of us said, hearthope.</p><p></p><p>Tell it to yourself, first. If we can be honest with ourselves about why this is happening, we stand a better chance of bringing ourselves and our families through it intact.</p><p></p><p>husband (at least mine does) will need to process everything too. They always say they are fine, but they are as devastated as we are.</p><p></p><p>Their job is to protect. Especially with a son, their role is to mentor.</p><p></p><p>I swear, they are more lost than we are when a child walks this path.</p><p></p><p>The other important thing is to take nurturing yourself seriously. You cannot give from an empty cup. What is happening to you now is one of the worst things that can happen to a parent. There is no closure, there is no feeling of accomplishment. </p><p></p><p>If you can accept that it isn't going to feel very good, that there will probably be no easy solution, you will be able to get yourself through it in one piece.</p><p></p><p>I did.</p><p></p><p>I kept trying, I followed every smallest possiblity, I fixated on difficult child to the point of distraction ~ but I am still here, still in one piece, and getting stronger and better and more accepting every day.</p><p></p><p>Find and take your joy where you can. Anything ~ the way the sun shines through the leaves, the way the air smells in the morning. Give yourself those little moments, those little joys. You will be surprised how much strength that will give you.</p><p></p><p>Remain present.</p><p> </p><p>Your son may turn himself around, yet. </p><p></p><p>It helped me to remember that I had not asked the impossible of my son. There are young men fighting and dying in the desert right now who have no choice about whether they will survive the next day.</p><p></p><p>Our sons have a choice about what they are doing.</p><p></p><p>Our job is to tell them to make a different choice.</p><p></p><p>If difficult child does ever get his head on straight, he is still young enough that you can make a difference for him.</p><p></p><p>The words we say stay with our children, so say the things you want your son to know. </p><p></p><p>Tell him you believe he can turn all this around in an instant.</p><p></p><p>And that he was raised to do better than what he is doing.</p><p></p><p>I am so sorry, hearthope.</p><p></p><p>You will make it. You are strong enough. You will do all the right things. From what I know, it will never feel right, you will not feel that good feeling a mother feels when her child is doing well ~ not until your son IS doing well. If you can accept that, you will manage to function through all this.</p><p></p><p>And you have the site, and all of us.</p><p></p><p>Post and post and post, to get your bearings, to know how to respond, to learn how to come through this in one piece.</p><p></p><p>I am so sorry this is happening to you and to your son.</p><p></p><p>Barbara</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="ScentofCedar, post: 39525, member: 3353"] I'm so sorry, hearthope. It helped me to remember that I told my son the truth. Once I allowed myself to understand what the situation was, once I told him that I would not watch him destroy himself, it was easier to say the things I had to say. For us, that did not begin happening until difficult child was twenty-nine and I found this site. If your son is determined to go this way, there is very little you can do to stop him. Tell the truth with love, as one of the others of us said, hearthope. Tell it to yourself, first. If we can be honest with ourselves about why this is happening, we stand a better chance of bringing ourselves and our families through it intact. husband (at least mine does) will need to process everything too. They always say they are fine, but they are as devastated as we are. Their job is to protect. Especially with a son, their role is to mentor. I swear, they are more lost than we are when a child walks this path. The other important thing is to take nurturing yourself seriously. You cannot give from an empty cup. What is happening to you now is one of the worst things that can happen to a parent. There is no closure, there is no feeling of accomplishment. If you can accept that it isn't going to feel very good, that there will probably be no easy solution, you will be able to get yourself through it in one piece. I did. I kept trying, I followed every smallest possiblity, I fixated on difficult child to the point of distraction ~ but I am still here, still in one piece, and getting stronger and better and more accepting every day. Find and take your joy where you can. Anything ~ the way the sun shines through the leaves, the way the air smells in the morning. Give yourself those little moments, those little joys. You will be surprised how much strength that will give you. Remain present. Your son may turn himself around, yet. It helped me to remember that I had not asked the impossible of my son. There are young men fighting and dying in the desert right now who have no choice about whether they will survive the next day. Our sons have a choice about what they are doing. Our job is to tell them to make a different choice. If difficult child does ever get his head on straight, he is still young enough that you can make a difference for him. The words we say stay with our children, so say the things you want your son to know. Tell him you believe he can turn all this around in an instant. And that he was raised to do better than what he is doing. I am so sorry, hearthope. You will make it. You are strong enough. You will do all the right things. From what I know, it will never feel right, you will not feel that good feeling a mother feels when her child is doing well ~ not until your son IS doing well. If you can accept that, you will manage to function through all this. And you have the site, and all of us. Post and post and post, to get your bearings, to know how to respond, to learn how to come through this in one piece. I am so sorry this is happening to you and to your son. Barbara [/QUOTE]
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