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<blockquote data-quote="scent of cedar" data-source="post: 76332" data-attributes="member: 1721"><p>Stands, you asked how to look at what is happening to our children from a different perspective.</p><p></p><p>Here is what I say.</p><p></p><p>I believed I had CAUSED difficult child's problems through poor parenting. </p><p></p><p>difficult child was not doing well. </p><p></p><p>I was the mom at home.</p><p></p><p>I MUST have been a bad mother, or difficult child would not be where he was. </p><p></p><p>That sort of thinking fueled my every waking moment.</p><p></p><p>Until I could get it that my reactions were not helping difficult child to make positive change (that my reactions were, in fact, enabling difficult child to blame anyone but himself for his situation) I could not stop blaming myself for what had happened.</p><p></p><p>What those of us whose children are using drugs need to understand is that it is the drugs that are the issue. Unless the child has displayed evidence of some imbalance serious enough to have been diagnosed prior to the time the child began using drugs ~ drug use is the issue. </p><p></p><p>For me, and for moms who think like me, the most important thing we could learn to say to our kids is: "Stop using drugs."</p><p></p><p>I say that to difficult child whenever I remember to say it ~ three, four times in a conversation. (Which is probably why he stopped calling for awhile, there!)</p><p></p><p>The second most important thing is: "I will never help you destroy yourself." Followed by: "You were raised better than this."</p><p></p><p>What we say instead is some derivative of "This is all my fault. I am so sorry that happened to you, and I will fix it."</p><p></p><p>And the addicted child never has to face himself. When he sees where he is in life, he has a ready-made scapegoat.</p><p></p><p>Mom.</p><p></p><p>And they hate us for it.</p><p></p><p>And we accept and encourage and keep taking responsibility and keep trying to help.</p><p></p><p>And we keep refusing to look at the drug piece. We see only the horrible things happening to our children and we wonder where we went wrong during the time we were raising them, that they should do such things.</p><p></p><p>At least, this is what seems to be true for me and for our family.</p><p></p><p>Is this the time to bring up things like pornography, I wonder? And the stretch-to-fit-all-situations values systems our drug using children seem to develop? </p><p></p><p>These things, pornography and a moral system so flexible it seems not to exist at all, are directly attributable to drug use, too.</p><p></p><p>That was an eye opener for me. We don't talk so often about pornography here on the site, but pornography and drug use go hand in hand because, at least for a little while, adding the charge pornography brings to the hit from the drug can bring an addict back up to the level of pleasure he used to get from the drug alone.</p><p></p><p>Eventually, the brain is so wrung out that even pornography no longer works, and the addict is just left trapped.</p><p></p><p>Nothing gives him pleasure, anymore.</p><p></p><p>Can you imagine how awful that must feel?</p><p></p><p>The things most helpful to me in getting from one minute to the next was posting here, banishing myself to the Detachment site ~ and the Serenity Prayer. (It still took me a good year or longer to climb out of the guilt-based depression I found myself in. I don't think there is an easy fix.) </p><p></p><p>Suz told me to read it as many times as it took me to get it.</p><p></p><p>I did.</p><p></p><p>It helped.</p><p></p><p>I am always posting that to everyone. If I already posted it for you Stands, I apologize. I would say it to myself when I woke up in the night worrying about difficult child.</p><p></p><p>Here you go.</p><p></p><p>God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,</p><p>the Courage to change the things I can,</p><p>and the Wisdom to know the difference.</p><p></p><p>You can do this, Stands.</p><p></p><p>Barbara</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="scent of cedar, post: 76332, member: 1721"] Stands, you asked how to look at what is happening to our children from a different perspective. Here is what I say. I believed I had CAUSED difficult child's problems through poor parenting. difficult child was not doing well. I was the mom at home. I MUST have been a bad mother, or difficult child would not be where he was. That sort of thinking fueled my every waking moment. Until I could get it that my reactions were not helping difficult child to make positive change (that my reactions were, in fact, enabling difficult child to blame anyone but himself for his situation) I could not stop blaming myself for what had happened. What those of us whose children are using drugs need to understand is that it is the drugs that are the issue. Unless the child has displayed evidence of some imbalance serious enough to have been diagnosed prior to the time the child began using drugs ~ drug use is the issue. For me, and for moms who think like me, the most important thing we could learn to say to our kids is: "Stop using drugs." I say that to difficult child whenever I remember to say it ~ three, four times in a conversation. (Which is probably why he stopped calling for awhile, there!) The second most important thing is: "I will never help you destroy yourself." Followed by: "You were raised better than this." What we say instead is some derivative of "This is all my fault. I am so sorry that happened to you, and I will fix it." And the addicted child never has to face himself. When he sees where he is in life, he has a ready-made scapegoat. Mom. And they hate us for it. And we accept and encourage and keep taking responsibility and keep trying to help. And we keep refusing to look at the drug piece. We see only the horrible things happening to our children and we wonder where we went wrong during the time we were raising them, that they should do such things. At least, this is what seems to be true for me and for our family. Is this the time to bring up things like pornography, I wonder? And the stretch-to-fit-all-situations values systems our drug using children seem to develop? These things, pornography and a moral system so flexible it seems not to exist at all, are directly attributable to drug use, too. That was an eye opener for me. We don't talk so often about pornography here on the site, but pornography and drug use go hand in hand because, at least for a little while, adding the charge pornography brings to the hit from the drug can bring an addict back up to the level of pleasure he used to get from the drug alone. Eventually, the brain is so wrung out that even pornography no longer works, and the addict is just left trapped. Nothing gives him pleasure, anymore. Can you imagine how awful that must feel? The things most helpful to me in getting from one minute to the next was posting here, banishing myself to the Detachment site ~ and the Serenity Prayer. (It still took me a good year or longer to climb out of the guilt-based depression I found myself in. I don't think there is an easy fix.) Suz told me to read it as many times as it took me to get it. I did. It helped. I am always posting that to everyone. If I already posted it for you Stands, I apologize. I would say it to myself when I woke up in the night worrying about difficult child. Here you go. God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference. You can do this, Stands. Barbara [/QUOTE]
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