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Neighbors called police on my difficult child
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<blockquote data-quote="Mikey" data-source="post: 48742" data-attributes="member: 3579"><p>I think it's a matter of perspective, considered from the point of view of leverage and power. My own son, who is older, has always had the same problem: He will respect and listen to someone he <strong>recognizes</strong> as an authority figure or is superior to him. But, once he loses respect for that authority, you are now <em>beneath</em> him. </p><p></p><p>When that happens, he doesn't just lose respect, he acts in completely inappropriate ways. For him, it's a power play - either <em>he</em> has the power, and you listen to <em>him</em>, or vice versa. For my son, there is no middle ground where he can interact with adults in a positive way without playing "who's the boss" and starting typical, alpha-male fights for dominance.</p><p></p><p>It's easy to see how a policeman might conjure enough authority to sufficiently impress your son to stand still and listen. Yet, the parent next door holds no such position of authority (in his mind), so he acts inappropriately to an adult.</p><p></p><p>With my son, the pool of people that he respected and would "stand still and listen to" gradually shrank as he got older. The final blow began when he completely lost respect for his teachers, was disrespectful, and dared them to do anything (what could they do, kick him out? That's what he wanted!). It ended when he relegated us, his parents, to that pool of insignificants who can be ignored, disobeyed, or otherwise manipulated as he saw fit.</p><p></p><p>Now, there are very few people who command that level of respect from him. My fear - and maybe hope? - is that he will run into someone (or something) that can reset his perspective on where he sits on the totem pole of authority. Because right now, he sits at the top.</p><p></p><p>Sorry I can't do anything but sympathize with you, but I think this is a fairly common issue for most difficult child's with ODD, and ADD only makes it worse because even when they try, they often miss the non-verbal cues needed to "read" people. That's why I think that only overt, overwhelming superiority or authority gets their attention, and nothing else. </p><p></p><p>And for my son, until he finally learns that there will always be people above <strong>and</strong> below him, that he doesn't always have to fight for dominance (or fight to keep from being dominated), and that it's <u>possible to have comfortable, productive, and non-confrontational relationships with people above and below you</u>, then he will always be a rebel without a cause, tilting at windmills.</p><p></p><p>So far, he hasn't learned that yet. He's still a testosterone poisoned, substance abusing, disrepectful and inconsiderate lout. But he's also our son, and we love him very much. So we keep trying, hoping, and praying.....</p><p></p><p>Mikey</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Mikey, post: 48742, member: 3579"] I think it's a matter of perspective, considered from the point of view of leverage and power. My own son, who is older, has always had the same problem: He will respect and listen to someone he [B]recognizes[/B] as an authority figure or is superior to him. But, once he loses respect for that authority, you are now [I]beneath[/I] him. When that happens, he doesn't just lose respect, he acts in completely inappropriate ways. For him, it's a power play - either [I]he[/I] has the power, and you listen to [I]him[/I], or vice versa. For my son, there is no middle ground where he can interact with adults in a positive way without playing "who's the boss" and starting typical, alpha-male fights for dominance. It's easy to see how a policeman might conjure enough authority to sufficiently impress your son to stand still and listen. Yet, the parent next door holds no such position of authority (in his mind), so he acts inappropriately to an adult. With my son, the pool of people that he respected and would "stand still and listen to" gradually shrank as he got older. The final blow began when he completely lost respect for his teachers, was disrespectful, and dared them to do anything (what could they do, kick him out? That's what he wanted!). It ended when he relegated us, his parents, to that pool of insignificants who can be ignored, disobeyed, or otherwise manipulated as he saw fit. Now, there are very few people who command that level of respect from him. My fear - and maybe hope? - is that he will run into someone (or something) that can reset his perspective on where he sits on the totem pole of authority. Because right now, he sits at the top. Sorry I can't do anything but sympathize with you, but I think this is a fairly common issue for most difficult child's with ODD, and ADD only makes it worse because even when they try, they often miss the non-verbal cues needed to "read" people. That's why I think that only overt, overwhelming superiority or authority gets their attention, and nothing else. And for my son, until he finally learns that there will always be people above [B]and[/B] below him, that he doesn't always have to fight for dominance (or fight to keep from being dominated), and that it's <u>possible to have comfortable, productive, and non-confrontational relationships with people above and below you</u>, then he will always be a rebel without a cause, tilting at windmills. So far, he hasn't learned that yet. He's still a testosterone poisoned, substance abusing, disrepectful and inconsiderate lout. But he's also our son, and we love him very much. So we keep trying, hoping, and praying..... Mikey [/QUOTE]
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