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Neighbors called police on my difficult child
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 48784" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>The thing with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) - these kids are generally very law-abiding, but it's the laws they have worked out for themselves, based on their observation of others. So when in one house he's permitted to go help himself, it's hard for him to understand that this is not the rule for ALL friends' houses. Rules that change from house to house, or even from day to day, are simply too hard to follow.</p><p></p><p>The father who pushed his bike - I understand what you mean, it was more of a "get going in that direction" but it was still an aggressive act. Some men are like this - they use their bodies, their strength, to communicate. And then wonder why people at times feel intimidated. It's how that stand, often invading personal space - and if he was close enough to nudge difficult child's bike, I'd say he was probably in his personal space - a bad thing, for someone with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD). </p><p></p><p>We also live in a very small town. We have no cops. The nearest are half an hour away, minimum. We had a murder here some years ago - some cops came to the village, but others waited on the opposite shore "on the mainland" and caught the guy as he swam ashore. There is only one small elementary school in our town, where bullying is NOT dealt with properly to the extent that these kids learn that they can bully and get away with it, especially with kids like difficult child 3 who are never believed because they're already weird. difficult child 3 would report being bullied, and of course the gang of bullies would deny it and back each other up, so difficult child 3 would be told he was mistaken, or lying. Then difficult child 3 would get into trouble for getting angry at not being believed. Or difficult child 3, learning the rules by observing how things work for others, would hit back when being hassled (as he observes other kids doing) and get into trouble because he would either be caught, or the other kids would dob.</p><p></p><p>The cop who "doesn't believe in that ADHD crap" - yes, sir, if it IS crap I wouldn't believe in it either. To express it in his way is to deny the rights of the person you're talking to, to disagree in any way. You have just announced, sir, that it is crap and therefore any other view is untenable; to claim any other view in the face of such biased opinion is confronting - and who wants to confront a cop? A cop, expressing himself that way - it IS bullying. He's using his position to get away with such a loaded statement.</p><p></p><p>Because of these misunderstandings and past problems of a similar nature, I tend to shadow difficult child 3 when he's out and about locally. He visits our nearest neighbours and they have no problem with him. His best friend - the dad sometimes is a problem (macho, over the top with it) and a lot of neighbourhood kids gather there, including some undesirables, who often target difficult child 3. However, difficult child 3's best friend will not tolerate any of HIS friends bullying difficult child 3 or himself, and sends them packing. Because friend's dad IS a big, macho bloke, the kids will go. But going there and back, difficult child 3 is vulnerable. As a result, if difficult child 3 is going to visit this friend, I often tag along too and have coffee with the mother while the boys play together. As this friend is getting older, his over-protective mother is increasingly allowing her son to come visit us, which is great. Nobody hassles her son, because he has a dad built like Arnold Schwarzenegger. </p><p></p><p>In your case - I would shadow your son. I would also role-play with him, what is acceptable behaviour. Maybe write a social story for him? I know he probably thinks he's too old for social stories, but since the police were involved you can point out that this shows he does need it. The social story is merely revision for him, to help him get his personal rules in line with acceptable practice.</p><p></p><p>The family friend who lets him help himself to snacks - explain to her the problems this causes, in confusing him about what is acceptable. What we do with our boys - we explain, "It's OK for you to talk to me like that here at home, because I understand. But a lot of people would not, so please be careful and practice the right way to interact, even here at home." If you can get your friendly neighbours on side with this, to help reinforce more socially acceptable behaviour, it will help.</p><p></p><p>Our kids need to learn these social rules in a different way. They will not learn by osmosis. Even a formal course in social skills is not enough - we have to help them practice, day after day. And without nagging, we remind and rehearse. And congratulate, when they do a good job.</p><p></p><p>Some things you won't be able to change or modify - you will soon see the difference. Don't even try to go there, just work on what he CAN change.</p><p></p><p>difficult child 3 reads mostly comic books. It's not that he's a poor reader - far from it. It's because comic books have everything - they have the dialogue, the social context, the facial expressions - the lot. He often asks me to explain (especially humour) and he seems to be actively studying, working ferociously to learn as much as he can about human behaviour. His favourite comics are the educational ones. easy child 2/difficult child 2 has recently introduced him to animé, which is merely animated comic books (Japanese style). Fruits Basket is the current one he's watching. Some of the storylines are a bit bizarre - an odd mix of modern life with old culture and Asian mythology - but the social story component has been really helpful.</p><p></p><p>Your difficult child is 10. He's still got a way to go, to learn how to connect. other kids his age are still a puzzle to him and a lot are still quite nasty at times. That is going to get worse with high school - sorry. But at some stage, it improves. What he needs to learn for now, is how to walk away when things aren't working out. Being right on the outside is far less important than remembering to walk away from confrontation. He needs to feel right, though, because it's an important part of his understanding. What he should do, is walk away, go home, sit down at the computer and write out his defensive argument. Then talk it over with you. For some time yet, you need to referee his confrontations, so he can learn how to resolve disputes constructively.</p><p></p><p>It's involved, it's sometimes hard work, it's very hands on, but it does resolve a lot of problems. Some neighbours are always going to be a thorn in your sides over this, but if you can bend over backwards (you and difficult child) to never be seen to be anywhere in the wrong, they can't touch you legally. </p><p>It's like I told my boys - other kids can hit back, fight, bully. But our boys can't, because as soon as they do, even if it's normal for others, the bad behaviour is immediately put down to "oh, he's a weird kid, he's dangerous, keep away from him or he will hurt you." Or they panic and react violently, supposedly in self defence. The news is always happy to spread stories about the Aspie kid who went on a murdering rampage, or the autistic kid without a conscience who tortured other kids purely to watch them suffer. It's all crap, as your cop would like to describe it. But the media loves it and the news builds on people's fears. As a result, we have to really go out of our way to avoid OUR kids being labelled in this way, even when 'normal' kids behave this way all the time with no repercussions.</p><p></p><p>There is a book that came out in Australia about 15 years ago, called "Annie's Coming Out" by Ann McDonald and Rosemary Crossley. Annie was born with athetoid cerebral palsy and was placed in an institution for the severely handicapped. She was raised as a mindless lump of tissue, treated worse than an animal. Rosemary was an aide who was working where Annie lived and discovered that this supposedly mindless idiot had taught herself to read and to communicate. Eventually she managed to get Annie released to her care. But my example is from an outing they went on - to an art gallery. Annie, being tiny, was in a baby stroller (aged about 16). They paused in front of one painting which was subtly satirical. Annie burst out laughing - the response of an intelligent human being. Despite the fact that others nearby also found this painting amusing, people were embarrassed by Annie's reaction.</p><p></p><p>Another time they went to see a movie. Kids were laughing, making noise and Annie was also making her small, quiet squeal - her only other vocalisation. The manager asked them to leave "because the child was being disruptive." In vain they protested that the laughter of the other kids was far louder than Annie's tiny noises. What was confronting to the cinema manager was the unknown - normal children laughing was somehow appropriate - a profoundly disabled person was likely to react in previously unknown ways, because he had never experienced it before.</p><p></p><p>A lot of people fond disability confronting. They don't like to look at it, they don't like to think about it. A disability that they can't see is sometimes even more scary - it's like communism in the McCarthy era, it's the hidden menace, likely to insidiously damage your society irreparably.</p><p></p><p>We have seen and experienced this attitude - both myself, with my physical disability, and the kids. It's been a hard lesson for them to learn, but a valuable one. They now know to not take people's good will at face value. Some people, especially the fit, healthy, active ones (often the ones organising various events) are the worst culprits - they can't stand to be exposed to disability because it's the very thing they fear the most. Everything in their way of life is geared to preventing disability in their family. Just a hunch, but put the neighbour who pushed difficult child's bike to this test - is he a health nut? A fitness freak? A perfectionist in any way? Chances are, difficult child is the personification of his own fears of imperfection, and he is scared of the unpredictable.</p><p>I hope I'm wrong, but if I'm not then difficult child needs to keep his distance from this family, long-term.</p><p></p><p>There are a lot of benefits to having a kid with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD). Especially as he gets older, you will find them and value them.</p><p></p><p>by the way, Annie eventually got to uni and got an Arts degree.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 48784, member: 1991"] The thing with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) - these kids are generally very law-abiding, but it's the laws they have worked out for themselves, based on their observation of others. So when in one house he's permitted to go help himself, it's hard for him to understand that this is not the rule for ALL friends' houses. Rules that change from house to house, or even from day to day, are simply too hard to follow. The father who pushed his bike - I understand what you mean, it was more of a "get going in that direction" but it was still an aggressive act. Some men are like this - they use their bodies, their strength, to communicate. And then wonder why people at times feel intimidated. It's how that stand, often invading personal space - and if he was close enough to nudge difficult child's bike, I'd say he was probably in his personal space - a bad thing, for someone with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD). We also live in a very small town. We have no cops. The nearest are half an hour away, minimum. We had a murder here some years ago - some cops came to the village, but others waited on the opposite shore "on the mainland" and caught the guy as he swam ashore. There is only one small elementary school in our town, where bullying is NOT dealt with properly to the extent that these kids learn that they can bully and get away with it, especially with kids like difficult child 3 who are never believed because they're already weird. difficult child 3 would report being bullied, and of course the gang of bullies would deny it and back each other up, so difficult child 3 would be told he was mistaken, or lying. Then difficult child 3 would get into trouble for getting angry at not being believed. Or difficult child 3, learning the rules by observing how things work for others, would hit back when being hassled (as he observes other kids doing) and get into trouble because he would either be caught, or the other kids would dob. The cop who "doesn't believe in that ADHD crap" - yes, sir, if it IS crap I wouldn't believe in it either. To express it in his way is to deny the rights of the person you're talking to, to disagree in any way. You have just announced, sir, that it is crap and therefore any other view is untenable; to claim any other view in the face of such biased opinion is confronting - and who wants to confront a cop? A cop, expressing himself that way - it IS bullying. He's using his position to get away with such a loaded statement. Because of these misunderstandings and past problems of a similar nature, I tend to shadow difficult child 3 when he's out and about locally. He visits our nearest neighbours and they have no problem with him. His best friend - the dad sometimes is a problem (macho, over the top with it) and a lot of neighbourhood kids gather there, including some undesirables, who often target difficult child 3. However, difficult child 3's best friend will not tolerate any of HIS friends bullying difficult child 3 or himself, and sends them packing. Because friend's dad IS a big, macho bloke, the kids will go. But going there and back, difficult child 3 is vulnerable. As a result, if difficult child 3 is going to visit this friend, I often tag along too and have coffee with the mother while the boys play together. As this friend is getting older, his over-protective mother is increasingly allowing her son to come visit us, which is great. Nobody hassles her son, because he has a dad built like Arnold Schwarzenegger. In your case - I would shadow your son. I would also role-play with him, what is acceptable behaviour. Maybe write a social story for him? I know he probably thinks he's too old for social stories, but since the police were involved you can point out that this shows he does need it. The social story is merely revision for him, to help him get his personal rules in line with acceptable practice. The family friend who lets him help himself to snacks - explain to her the problems this causes, in confusing him about what is acceptable. What we do with our boys - we explain, "It's OK for you to talk to me like that here at home, because I understand. But a lot of people would not, so please be careful and practice the right way to interact, even here at home." If you can get your friendly neighbours on side with this, to help reinforce more socially acceptable behaviour, it will help. Our kids need to learn these social rules in a different way. They will not learn by osmosis. Even a formal course in social skills is not enough - we have to help them practice, day after day. And without nagging, we remind and rehearse. And congratulate, when they do a good job. Some things you won't be able to change or modify - you will soon see the difference. Don't even try to go there, just work on what he CAN change. difficult child 3 reads mostly comic books. It's not that he's a poor reader - far from it. It's because comic books have everything - they have the dialogue, the social context, the facial expressions - the lot. He often asks me to explain (especially humour) and he seems to be actively studying, working ferociously to learn as much as he can about human behaviour. His favourite comics are the educational ones. easy child 2/difficult child 2 has recently introduced him to animé, which is merely animated comic books (Japanese style). Fruits Basket is the current one he's watching. Some of the storylines are a bit bizarre - an odd mix of modern life with old culture and Asian mythology - but the social story component has been really helpful. Your difficult child is 10. He's still got a way to go, to learn how to connect. other kids his age are still a puzzle to him and a lot are still quite nasty at times. That is going to get worse with high school - sorry. But at some stage, it improves. What he needs to learn for now, is how to walk away when things aren't working out. Being right on the outside is far less important than remembering to walk away from confrontation. He needs to feel right, though, because it's an important part of his understanding. What he should do, is walk away, go home, sit down at the computer and write out his defensive argument. Then talk it over with you. For some time yet, you need to referee his confrontations, so he can learn how to resolve disputes constructively. It's involved, it's sometimes hard work, it's very hands on, but it does resolve a lot of problems. Some neighbours are always going to be a thorn in your sides over this, but if you can bend over backwards (you and difficult child) to never be seen to be anywhere in the wrong, they can't touch you legally. It's like I told my boys - other kids can hit back, fight, bully. But our boys can't, because as soon as they do, even if it's normal for others, the bad behaviour is immediately put down to "oh, he's a weird kid, he's dangerous, keep away from him or he will hurt you." Or they panic and react violently, supposedly in self defence. The news is always happy to spread stories about the Aspie kid who went on a murdering rampage, or the autistic kid without a conscience who tortured other kids purely to watch them suffer. It's all crap, as your cop would like to describe it. But the media loves it and the news builds on people's fears. As a result, we have to really go out of our way to avoid OUR kids being labelled in this way, even when 'normal' kids behave this way all the time with no repercussions. There is a book that came out in Australia about 15 years ago, called "Annie's Coming Out" by Ann McDonald and Rosemary Crossley. Annie was born with athetoid cerebral palsy and was placed in an institution for the severely handicapped. She was raised as a mindless lump of tissue, treated worse than an animal. Rosemary was an aide who was working where Annie lived and discovered that this supposedly mindless idiot had taught herself to read and to communicate. Eventually she managed to get Annie released to her care. But my example is from an outing they went on - to an art gallery. Annie, being tiny, was in a baby stroller (aged about 16). They paused in front of one painting which was subtly satirical. Annie burst out laughing - the response of an intelligent human being. Despite the fact that others nearby also found this painting amusing, people were embarrassed by Annie's reaction. Another time they went to see a movie. Kids were laughing, making noise and Annie was also making her small, quiet squeal - her only other vocalisation. The manager asked them to leave "because the child was being disruptive." In vain they protested that the laughter of the other kids was far louder than Annie's tiny noises. What was confronting to the cinema manager was the unknown - normal children laughing was somehow appropriate - a profoundly disabled person was likely to react in previously unknown ways, because he had never experienced it before. A lot of people fond disability confronting. They don't like to look at it, they don't like to think about it. A disability that they can't see is sometimes even more scary - it's like communism in the McCarthy era, it's the hidden menace, likely to insidiously damage your society irreparably. We have seen and experienced this attitude - both myself, with my physical disability, and the kids. It's been a hard lesson for them to learn, but a valuable one. They now know to not take people's good will at face value. Some people, especially the fit, healthy, active ones (often the ones organising various events) are the worst culprits - they can't stand to be exposed to disability because it's the very thing they fear the most. Everything in their way of life is geared to preventing disability in their family. Just a hunch, but put the neighbour who pushed difficult child's bike to this test - is he a health nut? A fitness freak? A perfectionist in any way? Chances are, difficult child is the personification of his own fears of imperfection, and he is scared of the unpredictable. I hope I'm wrong, but if I'm not then difficult child needs to keep his distance from this family, long-term. There are a lot of benefits to having a kid with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD). Especially as he gets older, you will find them and value them. by the way, Annie eventually got to uni and got an Arts degree. Marg [/QUOTE]
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