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Neuropsychologist/Neurologist?!!
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<blockquote data-quote="InsaneCdn" data-source="post: 493368" data-attributes="member: 11791"><p>We tripped over this one a LOT... until we woke up and re-wrote the rules.</p><p>Please keep in mind, though, that my difficult child is NOT officially Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) or Aspergers - but does have"some traits".</p><p>Much of this may not be a direct fit - but may give you something to think about... adapt, try, etc.</p><p></p><p>Some rule-making suggestions...</p><p>1) Do not use the absolute most favorite activity as an "earned" privelege. Too often, it is a complex situation, and losing the favorite activity on top of having problems putting it all together... often leads to melt-downs.</p><p></p><p>2) Consequences make more sense in the context of direct choice. If the child really isn't in control of the behavior, they didn't "choose" to do what was done, so the didn't "choose" the consequence either. Direct choice: change to your play clothes before going to the sandbox... if he does, the reward is to go to the sandbox... if he doesn't, he chose not to go. You will STILL get rages initially, but they can catch on to the concept. </p><p></p><p>3) Consequences should be immediate and directly connected to the behavior. (We blew this one all the time!) You hit your sister this morning, you don't get to go to the skate park this afternoon? Too far apart, and not connected. You break a drinking glass due to carelessness, and you'll have to use plastic - logical link: if you can't be safe with glass, you have to use plastic. You break your pencil, and you can't write with it. Break 3 pencils in a week, and you don't get any more until next week - there are only so many pencils available. So... maybe, hit your sister and she won't read you a story - not necessarily immediate (which would be better), but directly connected to how relationships work.</p><p></p><p>4) Watch out for "punishments". They don't really work. <u>Consequences</u> are logical, punishments are not. Too often when we say "there has to be consequences", we really mean "there has to be punishment". Stop and think about what you are trying to achieve.</p><p></p><p>*1 - Absolute favorite activities are for relationship building. Its an advantage if they are interactive in some way - going to a movie isn't interactive, but watching a sports event can be, etc. We've learned that the only reason to <em>delay</em> (not cancel) one of these, is due to immediate safety. Its time to leave for the event and difficult child is not under control? Not safe to go - we'll have to do that tomorrow instead. Building empathy, feeling, cooperation... all depends on building relationships. There should be a range of "just because we are a family" activities that are reserved for relationship building. If sis is a really good foot-massager and a good book-reader, one activity may be subject to how she's treated, but the other she will do "just because", even if its been a bad day.</p><p></p><p>They say to not treat our kids like animals... but I wish I had known more about positive dog training before I had kids. Some of the secrets to dog training? No punishment - refusing to take dog for regular walk because dog did his business on the carpet... just confuses the dog. Reward or correction must be <em>immediate</em> - as in, you have half a second to get the approval message through. Reward must match the level of difficulty of the task. Don't ask for what the trainee cannot deliver. We choose the behavior we want to re-inforce, but the trainee chooses what "reinforcers" are... which means, the trainee may be getting some advantage we don't see, if the behavior shaping isn't working. (example: It doesn't work to tell a dog who's barking to get attention, to "shut up"... he just got attention, so barking works!) Never end the day mad - always make up and tuck in on good terms, tomorrow is another day. Don't take it personal. Look for the real message. (is he whining to annoy me? or because he has a need and I'm not getting the message?)</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="InsaneCdn, post: 493368, member: 11791"] We tripped over this one a LOT... until we woke up and re-wrote the rules. Please keep in mind, though, that my difficult child is NOT officially Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) or Aspergers - but does have"some traits". Much of this may not be a direct fit - but may give you something to think about... adapt, try, etc. Some rule-making suggestions... 1) Do not use the absolute most favorite activity as an "earned" privelege. Too often, it is a complex situation, and losing the favorite activity on top of having problems putting it all together... often leads to melt-downs. 2) Consequences make more sense in the context of direct choice. If the child really isn't in control of the behavior, they didn't "choose" to do what was done, so the didn't "choose" the consequence either. Direct choice: change to your play clothes before going to the sandbox... if he does, the reward is to go to the sandbox... if he doesn't, he chose not to go. You will STILL get rages initially, but they can catch on to the concept. 3) Consequences should be immediate and directly connected to the behavior. (We blew this one all the time!) You hit your sister this morning, you don't get to go to the skate park this afternoon? Too far apart, and not connected. You break a drinking glass due to carelessness, and you'll have to use plastic - logical link: if you can't be safe with glass, you have to use plastic. You break your pencil, and you can't write with it. Break 3 pencils in a week, and you don't get any more until next week - there are only so many pencils available. So... maybe, hit your sister and she won't read you a story - not necessarily immediate (which would be better), but directly connected to how relationships work. 4) Watch out for "punishments". They don't really work. [U]Consequences[/U] are logical, punishments are not. Too often when we say "there has to be consequences", we really mean "there has to be punishment". Stop and think about what you are trying to achieve. *1 - Absolute favorite activities are for relationship building. Its an advantage if they are interactive in some way - going to a movie isn't interactive, but watching a sports event can be, etc. We've learned that the only reason to [I]delay[/I] (not cancel) one of these, is due to immediate safety. Its time to leave for the event and difficult child is not under control? Not safe to go - we'll have to do that tomorrow instead. Building empathy, feeling, cooperation... all depends on building relationships. There should be a range of "just because we are a family" activities that are reserved for relationship building. If sis is a really good foot-massager and a good book-reader, one activity may be subject to how she's treated, but the other she will do "just because", even if its been a bad day. They say to not treat our kids like animals... but I wish I had known more about positive dog training before I had kids. Some of the secrets to dog training? No punishment - refusing to take dog for regular walk because dog did his business on the carpet... just confuses the dog. Reward or correction must be [I]immediate[/I] - as in, you have half a second to get the approval message through. Reward must match the level of difficulty of the task. Don't ask for what the trainee cannot deliver. We choose the behavior we want to re-inforce, but the trainee chooses what "reinforcers" are... which means, the trainee may be getting some advantage we don't see, if the behavior shaping isn't working. (example: It doesn't work to tell a dog who's barking to get attention, to "shut up"... he just got attention, so barking works!) Never end the day mad - always make up and tuck in on good terms, tomorrow is another day. Don't take it personal. Look for the real message. (is he whining to annoy me? or because he has a need and I'm not getting the message?) [/QUOTE]
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