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<blockquote data-quote="katya02" data-source="post: 396386" data-attributes="member: 2884"><p>Susie, I agree with the others who are encouraging you to protect yourself and your family. Your mother's actions are toxic and harmful. She is abusing you AND your children. It's hard to change the patterns</p><p>of a lifetime, but it can be done. I would strongly encourage you to get a therapist who is familiar with the behavior patterns of parents like this, as a support day by day while you protect yourself and your family.</p><p></p><p>Your mother can say anything she wants, but that doesn't make it true. No hot water is an inconvenience, not evidence of an unsafe home. You are within your rights not to answer your doorbell. You don't have to </p><p>accept visits or phone calls. I would urge you to set all these boundaries. I understand about loving your father; for years my sibs and I tolerated ridiculous abuse from my mother, including having her ruin our weddings,</p><p>because we loved our father and didn't want to be cut off from him. What we didn't do was to hold him accountable for his own actions. He didn't have to go along quietly with my mother's abusive actions, but he did</p><p>because he wanted to keep the peace - it was easier for him. We thought of him as a gentle victim, but he had his own agenda. We should have kept ourselves and our children safe and acknowledged that he was making adult choices as much as our mother was. </p><p></p><p>The point is that your father has choices. If he chooses to ignore his wife's harmful actions, that's a choice that may mean he doesn't see his daughter and grandchildren. </p><p>He may not be willing to change anything until the situation becomes uncomfortable for him. Your priority must be the protection of yourself and your children. Please - if your mother</p><p>is trying her best to wrest your children from you, take action! Do not give her access to them. Let your doctor know she is not permitted to care for them; give their schools written</p><p>instructions that the ONLY adults who may pick them up are you and your husband; and let her and your father know that if she EVER takes them without permission (which means ever),</p><p>you will call police and pursue kidnapping charges. I had to do this with my mother when she was determined that she should have partial custody of my daughter. Only the </p><p>information that I would call police on her, along with the instructions to daughter's school and pre-emptive contact with police, and a family lawyer, deterred her. If she hadn't had all that</p><p>in her face she would have felt free to carry on. Sometimes there's no way to be nice when you're protecting your child. </p><p></p><p>Relatives aren't people that you 'have to see'. Sometimes they are harmful and abusive. When they are, they lose the privilege of being treated like family, because they've stopped being family.</p><p>{{{hugs}}}, Susie.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="katya02, post: 396386, member: 2884"] Susie, I agree with the others who are encouraging you to protect yourself and your family. Your mother's actions are toxic and harmful. She is abusing you AND your children. It's hard to change the patterns of a lifetime, but it can be done. I would strongly encourage you to get a therapist who is familiar with the behavior patterns of parents like this, as a support day by day while you protect yourself and your family. Your mother can say anything she wants, but that doesn't make it true. No hot water is an inconvenience, not evidence of an unsafe home. You are within your rights not to answer your doorbell. You don't have to accept visits or phone calls. I would urge you to set all these boundaries. I understand about loving your father; for years my sibs and I tolerated ridiculous abuse from my mother, including having her ruin our weddings, because we loved our father and didn't want to be cut off from him. What we didn't do was to hold him accountable for his own actions. He didn't have to go along quietly with my mother's abusive actions, but he did because he wanted to keep the peace - it was easier for him. We thought of him as a gentle victim, but he had his own agenda. We should have kept ourselves and our children safe and acknowledged that he was making adult choices as much as our mother was. The point is that your father has choices. If he chooses to ignore his wife's harmful actions, that's a choice that may mean he doesn't see his daughter and grandchildren. He may not be willing to change anything until the situation becomes uncomfortable for him. Your priority must be the protection of yourself and your children. Please - if your mother is trying her best to wrest your children from you, take action! Do not give her access to them. Let your doctor know she is not permitted to care for them; give their schools written instructions that the ONLY adults who may pick them up are you and your husband; and let her and your father know that if she EVER takes them without permission (which means ever), you will call police and pursue kidnapping charges. I had to do this with my mother when she was determined that she should have partial custody of my daughter. Only the information that I would call police on her, along with the instructions to daughter's school and pre-emptive contact with police, and a family lawyer, deterred her. If she hadn't had all that in her face she would have felt free to carry on. Sometimes there's no way to be nice when you're protecting your child. Relatives aren't people that you 'have to see'. Sometimes they are harmful and abusive. When they are, they lose the privilege of being treated like family, because they've stopped being family. {{{hugs}}}, Susie. [/QUOTE]
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