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NEVER Good Enough
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<blockquote data-quote="trinityroyal" data-source="post: 396521" data-attributes="member: 3907"><p>Susie, I agree with the others that there should be nothing "obligatory" about visiting your mother. ANY time you spend in her presence feeds into her abuse of you, and it hurts your heart and soul. You're gearing yourself up to get through a visit, knowing that it will more than likely be horrible and inflict still more damage on you, your husband and your children. Why would you put yourself back into the path of the abuse, knowing that it's going to steamroll you.</p><p></p><p>You have years of negative patterns and reinforcement telling you that you have to go, put up with the abuse, grit your teeth and get through it, and then heal the wounds afterward as best you can. But now you're changing your behaviour and refusing to allow yourself to be subject to your mother's toxicity anymore. So you need to take it all the way. If you allow your mother a little bit of leeway, she won't truly believe that you've changed, or she will take it as encouragement to keep chipping away at your defenses until you give in.</p><p></p><p>I don't normally give advice other than to go with your gut. However, in this case, I'm going to strongly recommend that you just don't go. No contact. At. All.</p><p></p><p>I'm so sorry you're going through this. The pain in your words is palpable. But if she's not going to give up, then you have to. The only way to win is not to play. Walk away from her unless or until she's willing to change her ways. Until then, any contact with her is nothing but a world of hurt.</p><p></p><p>Trinity</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="trinityroyal, post: 396521, member: 3907"] Susie, I agree with the others that there should be nothing "obligatory" about visiting your mother. ANY time you spend in her presence feeds into her abuse of you, and it hurts your heart and soul. You're gearing yourself up to get through a visit, knowing that it will more than likely be horrible and inflict still more damage on you, your husband and your children. Why would you put yourself back into the path of the abuse, knowing that it's going to steamroll you. You have years of negative patterns and reinforcement telling you that you have to go, put up with the abuse, grit your teeth and get through it, and then heal the wounds afterward as best you can. But now you're changing your behaviour and refusing to allow yourself to be subject to your mother's toxicity anymore. So you need to take it all the way. If you allow your mother a little bit of leeway, she won't truly believe that you've changed, or she will take it as encouragement to keep chipping away at your defenses until you give in. I don't normally give advice other than to go with your gut. However, in this case, I'm going to strongly recommend that you just don't go. No contact. At. All. I'm so sorry you're going through this. The pain in your words is palpable. But if she's not going to give up, then you have to. The only way to win is not to play. Walk away from her unless or until she's willing to change her ways. Until then, any contact with her is nothing but a world of hurt. Trinity [/QUOTE]
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