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General Parenting
new and in need of advice please ( sorry -long)
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<blockquote data-quote="slsh" data-source="post: 230789" data-attributes="member: 8"><p>Tunaq - welcome (belatedly <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /> )!</p><p> </p><p>First off, I want to say that we all come to this board with our own histories and biases based on our experiences. None of us has *the* answer, obviously. Please take what you can use, what applies to your situation, and ignore the rest. One of the advantages of such a wide membership is that sometimes we get suggestions that we would have never thought of, suggestions that might work. At the very least, you should expect support as you try to find what works for your family. It can be a long road. </p><p> </p><p>I'm not a step-parent but I do know that with my beloved difficult child, tag-team parenting was/is essential. I cannot do it all 24/7 and neither can my husband. Just in my experience, having a kiddo with challenging behaviors can be incredibly rough on a marriage. We almost lost our marriage - it was only through luck that we realized that we need to remember that we were Sue and husband first (as opposed to Mom and Dad), and would be Sue and husband again when/if <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /> we survived raising our kids. The marriage had to become priority #1.</p><p> </p><p>I do agree with- backing off and handing more of the parenting of DSS to your husband. It may mean doing a lot of tongue-biting but unless/until you can both be on the same page most of the time, DSS is actually in control of your home. Let husband sweat the grades and the new life forms in the bathroom. If it's just your husband and DSS interacting, DSS loses some of the power. It sounds like he may be pretty good at pitting you and husband against each other, intentionally or not. By removing yourself from the equation, maybe the conflict will lessen. Does that make sense? </p><p> </p><p>If the menfolk are not keen on therapy, would you consider going for yourself? Just to have a sounding board for the challenges you're facing in your home? Sometimes when we can't get family members on board, it can be very helpful to have a safe place to vent and explore options. </p><p> </p><p>Just a couple of thoughts - use them if you can. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> Again, welcome to the board!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="slsh, post: 230789, member: 8"] Tunaq - welcome (belatedly ;) )! First off, I want to say that we all come to this board with our own histories and biases based on our experiences. None of us has *the* answer, obviously. Please take what you can use, what applies to your situation, and ignore the rest. One of the advantages of such a wide membership is that sometimes we get suggestions that we would have never thought of, suggestions that might work. At the very least, you should expect support as you try to find what works for your family. It can be a long road. I'm not a step-parent but I do know that with my beloved difficult child, tag-team parenting was/is essential. I cannot do it all 24/7 and neither can my husband. Just in my experience, having a kiddo with challenging behaviors can be incredibly rough on a marriage. We almost lost our marriage - it was only through luck that we realized that we need to remember that we were Sue and husband first (as opposed to Mom and Dad), and would be Sue and husband again when/if ;) we survived raising our kids. The marriage had to become priority #1. I do agree with- backing off and handing more of the parenting of DSS to your husband. It may mean doing a lot of tongue-biting but unless/until you can both be on the same page most of the time, DSS is actually in control of your home. Let husband sweat the grades and the new life forms in the bathroom. If it's just your husband and DSS interacting, DSS loses some of the power. It sounds like he may be pretty good at pitting you and husband against each other, intentionally or not. By removing yourself from the equation, maybe the conflict will lessen. Does that make sense? If the menfolk are not keen on therapy, would you consider going for yourself? Just to have a sounding board for the challenges you're facing in your home? Sometimes when we can't get family members on board, it can be very helpful to have a safe place to vent and explore options. Just a couple of thoughts - use them if you can. :) Again, welcome to the board! [/QUOTE]
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