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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 431101" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>OK, I'm awake now!</p><p></p><p>Is there any way you can maintain some contact with his former stepmother? It might ease some of his transition problems. We had problems with difficult child 3, because he attached to his sisters' boyfriends. Especially with easy child, who he connected very closely with, he often acted as if she was his mother and not me. So her first boyfriend was a problem for us - difficult child 3 was a toddler, and jealous! Over the next few months difficult child 3 learned to really like the boy, got very close to him. Then a couple of years later, easy child & her boyfriend split up. It was difficult for difficult child 3 who said, "Does that mean we're not friends with him any more?"</p><p>Then easy child and her boyfriend got back together again, for a year. We mended fences. Then they split up again. It was very difficult for difficult child 3, he was very confused. it didn't help that easy child was absolutely miserable, and we kept getting tearful phone calls from the boyfriend.</p><p></p><p>Our story has a happy ending - easy child & the boyfriend are now married, he is SIL1. And he is very close to difficult child 3, sees him as the brother he desperately craves. Because easy child is close to difficult child 3, so is SIL1. But whenever we have 'lost' someone to our family (such as easy child 2/difficult child 2's first boyfriend who is still good friends with difficult child 1) it has been a source of confusion for difficult child 3. So I can understand that for a little boy who was close to some people who he lived with, to lose contact completely is for him as if they had died traumatically. Kids tend to internalise things so he probably also feels like it is his fault somehow.</p><p></p><p>He feels remorse - because he, like pretty much all kids, wants to be good. But he just can't do it. There are too many other factors getting in the way for him.</p><p></p><p>A kid who is ODD is generally a kid who (for various reasons) is choosing, almost automatically by a programmed reflex, to do/say the opposite of what is asked of him. I don't see that here. But I do see a kid who feels powerless, who has certain needs he can't properly articulate, and who is scared, angry and upset. Just because he is bright, doesn't mean he can understand at a superior level in all areas. </p><p></p><p>Some suggestions - read up on "Explosive Child". Check out the sticky in Early Childhood.</p><p></p><p>Keep up his intellectual stimulation. Challenge him, but not to the point of frustration. Boost his self-esteem and keep his mind occupied. It really helped for us when we did this with easy child, easy child 2/difficult child 2 and difficult child 3. </p><p></p><p>Try for a neuropsychologist assessment as soon as you can arrange one. Avoid getting it done through the school, because they tend to only skim the surface and miss the really important information. It costs more to have it done privately, but is is worth it. It is an investment in your child's future. An option is to get any results from a school assessment and pass them on to a neuropsychologist, who can do more testing as an adjunct and interpret the lot in one. It's not as satisfactory, but kid should not do the same assessments within two years, so sometimes you haven't got a lot of choice. It is a way around that problem, though.</p><p></p><p>Again - welcome. There are others here in similar situations to you. Others of us have been there already. </p><p></p><p>Consider us the trailblazers! The trouble is, the darned undergrowth grows back so fast! Time to blaze the trail again!</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 431101, member: 1991"] OK, I'm awake now! Is there any way you can maintain some contact with his former stepmother? It might ease some of his transition problems. We had problems with difficult child 3, because he attached to his sisters' boyfriends. Especially with easy child, who he connected very closely with, he often acted as if she was his mother and not me. So her first boyfriend was a problem for us - difficult child 3 was a toddler, and jealous! Over the next few months difficult child 3 learned to really like the boy, got very close to him. Then a couple of years later, easy child & her boyfriend split up. It was difficult for difficult child 3 who said, "Does that mean we're not friends with him any more?" Then easy child and her boyfriend got back together again, for a year. We mended fences. Then they split up again. It was very difficult for difficult child 3, he was very confused. it didn't help that easy child was absolutely miserable, and we kept getting tearful phone calls from the boyfriend. Our story has a happy ending - easy child & the boyfriend are now married, he is SIL1. And he is very close to difficult child 3, sees him as the brother he desperately craves. Because easy child is close to difficult child 3, so is SIL1. But whenever we have 'lost' someone to our family (such as easy child 2/difficult child 2's first boyfriend who is still good friends with difficult child 1) it has been a source of confusion for difficult child 3. So I can understand that for a little boy who was close to some people who he lived with, to lose contact completely is for him as if they had died traumatically. Kids tend to internalise things so he probably also feels like it is his fault somehow. He feels remorse - because he, like pretty much all kids, wants to be good. But he just can't do it. There are too many other factors getting in the way for him. A kid who is ODD is generally a kid who (for various reasons) is choosing, almost automatically by a programmed reflex, to do/say the opposite of what is asked of him. I don't see that here. But I do see a kid who feels powerless, who has certain needs he can't properly articulate, and who is scared, angry and upset. Just because he is bright, doesn't mean he can understand at a superior level in all areas. Some suggestions - read up on "Explosive Child". Check out the sticky in Early Childhood. Keep up his intellectual stimulation. Challenge him, but not to the point of frustration. Boost his self-esteem and keep his mind occupied. It really helped for us when we did this with easy child, easy child 2/difficult child 2 and difficult child 3. Try for a neuropsychologist assessment as soon as you can arrange one. Avoid getting it done through the school, because they tend to only skim the surface and miss the really important information. It costs more to have it done privately, but is is worth it. It is an investment in your child's future. An option is to get any results from a school assessment and pass them on to a neuropsychologist, who can do more testing as an adjunct and interpret the lot in one. It's not as satisfactory, but kid should not do the same assessments within two years, so sometimes you haven't got a lot of choice. It is a way around that problem, though. Again - welcome. There are others here in similar situations to you. Others of us have been there already. Consider us the trailblazers! The trouble is, the darned undergrowth grows back so fast! Time to blaze the trail again! Marg [/QUOTE]
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