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New here. “Loaning” rent and buying food for nearly 19-year old who just squandered $30,000
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<blockquote data-quote="pandora404" data-source="post: 648446" data-attributes="member: 18282"><p>Thank you all very much for your thoughtful responses. You’re all the support I’ve got at the moment, and I’m deeply grateful.</p><p></p><p>Just an update. The only help I am offering my son is food in exchange for presenting himself for treatment to a mental health specialist. The good news is: that seems to be working.</p><p></p><p>We went together to see the psychiatrist they assigned him at the public hospital. This is a free service. This guy himself was a character. He was an older man close to retirement age. He was very relaxed and friendly. Also, oddly, shabbily dressed. He blathered on about himself too much I thought, and also dropped a lot of f-bombs. Still my son felt comfortable talking to him and has agreed to go back. Unfortunately the psychiatrist decided not to make the next appointment until two weeks from then.</p><p></p><p>The main issue that seemed to concern him was the psychosis, ie. my son’s belief that people are following him, that every night at about 1 am people who know him somehow yell abuse at his window from the street, that someone is tracking his internet use, etc. He gently introduced the idea that my son might benefit from taking medication, but just to think about it.</p><p></p><p>He told my son if he has a problem in the meanwhile he can call the mental health team. My son said “okay”. I said, “His phone doesn't have any credit. He can’t call anyone.” The psychiatrist said “Good. Don’t forget you can call the team” (ignoring what I’d just said.)</p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/groooansmileyf.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":groan:" title="groan :groan:" data-shortname=":groan:" /></p><p></p><p>I got a few minutes alone with this guy at the end. I told him quickly just a few things it turned out my son hadn’t revealed in their private session. The shattered door on Boxing Day. The breaking of my property when he lived at home. The hate-filled text messages on Christmas morning (sent when he was sober). He changed his demeanour, becoming more serious, then went out into the waiting room, and said “I want you to call me anytime. Anytime you have a problem. Please call me, okay?” My son said, okay. As we walked back to the car, I said, did that doctor actually give you his phone number? My son said, no. (How fake was that guy!)</p><p></p><p>Afterwards, as was the deal, we shopped for him in the supermarket. Actually first we sat a table in a park, drinking takeaway coffees and negotiating a shopping list. I refused to buy any sugary snacks or junk food. Also, although he hadn’t requested it, I did buy him a few packets of beef jerky, and some protein bars and protein drinks from the bodybuilding section. This was on the advice of our dentist, who warned me that if he wasn’t feeding himself with enough protein, he would start suffering brain damage. (She also told me to get the protein supplement foods in Costco because they’re so expensive in regular supermarkets. That tip was also worth heeding.)</p><p></p><p>I’m not planning to see him till the next appointment in two weeks. He’ll run out of food before then. I reminded him about the charity-run free restaurant in his area. The idea seemed aversive to him. I also told him about how, last year when my daughter went through a dumpster-diving phase (this is its own subculture in Sydney and there’s a Facebook group to share information) this one time I happened to be with her while she was doing it, I discovered those dumpsters behind food shops are mainly full of relatively fresh bread. Even good artisan bakery sourdoughs, for example. And it was all clean and individually wrapped in cellophane bags. (Unfortunately I don’t think dumpster diving is the way he rolls. Being a parasite is his MO.)</p><p></p><p>The problem is definitely drugs (as you’ve all pointed out) but not just drugs. I believe he is one of those--10 % of people according to Russell Brand--who have an addictive personality. (You can chant, “all things in moderation” to them till the cows come home. They’re not listening.) I believe his first and worst addiction is the internet and electronic gaming. I believe that that overexposure to violent games and some online content (eg. the website <strong>4chan</strong>) also hardened him or somehow damaged his capacity to have empathy, along with the cannabis. I also believe his mania for online gambling is a kind of sub-behaviour of his internet addiction. I don’t believe he’d bother catching the bus to a racetrack or casino, say, to gamble. And I believe if online gambling disappeared, he could stop gambling in a heartbeat. Confusingly, he’s had a lot of bad behaviours going on concurrently. Right now he has no money at all so, fingers crossed, it looks like he can’t get into much trouble. I shouldn’t have written that—just tempting fate!</p><p></p><p>Other (small) positives are he went to his classes on the first day. In the supermarket, he asked me to buy him exercise books for the course, and I did.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Thanks for that Tanya. I think I'll use that exact line in the future!</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Sorry, MidwestMom, I should have made that clear since most of you are in the US. I live in Sydney, Australia. The education system, health system, legal systems etc here are a little bit different. But the kids and their problems are just the same!</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes, thank you for that suggestion. I believe there is Al-Anon here. In December 2014 I did attend a related group, Nar-Anon, (Narcotics-Anon) but that particular group seemed to have fizzled out with only one other member that day. I've also attended a parents support group called Tough Love, which I believe has ceased to exist in the US and is just limping along here. That has also been very helpful and I learned a lot through them (but for complicated reasons, I've stopped going at the moment although I keep in contact with individual members who can give me the wisdom of their experience.)</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I am also confused about why he wasn't charged. The policemen said, he was so young at 18. They didn't want to give him a criminal record. The next day I rang the national Mental Health Advice line and spoke to a psychiatric nurse. He sighed and said, "Oh that's typical. The police don't actually care whether your kid gets a criminal record or not. They just didn't want the of bother dealing with it." I did kind of want my son to get a wake up call. Also I'm pretty sure a lawyer would have made him consult a psychiatrist for his defense. He was flying below the radar for so long. At least I have now got him into some kind of mental health treatment.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Childofmine, thanks, this is a great example of a boundary. I think I will be able to put something similar into practise myself.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Thank you so much for this comment, SuZir! You totally get my kid!</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Cedar, that's nice of you to ask. Very physically active, but gentle, a dreamer, played solitary imaginary games with his set of robot toys, liked drama and dance class, liked to laugh and had a contagious laugh that endeared him to others. Never cruel to animals or other children. When he was 3 or 4, I asked the doctor and various teachers if he was ADD, they always said, no, he was normal. For example, he could concentrate through a story reading. Now I do believe he was ADD inattentive type and wish I'd tried harder to have him diagnosed.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Oh same! I couldn't get the signature thing to work otherwise I would have written a sentence about my daughter who is 2 and a half years older. She seemed to have had every teenage girl problem at about 17: running away, both anorexia and bulimia, destroying her own things, experimented with cutting herself, binge drinking, taking an overdose, etc. She dropped out of high school. Family therapy and dialectical therapy ultimately worked for her. (Or did she just somehow grow out of all that dysfunction? I don't really know.) Today she's 21, doing great in a university course, is productive, happy and healthy. In 2011, I wouldn't have bet 5 cents on her being a success story! It just shows there's hope.</p><p></p><p>In 2011, she seemed like the difficult one, and he seemed like the decent easy child. (In fact <em>he</em> was the one who urged me to get psychiatric help for her.) Looking back I think when <em>she </em>went off the rails, my son became gradually more and more self-pitying and angry, with accompanying bad behaviour. She seems to have brought herself back from the edge of utterly failing at life, but he somehow got started on a trajectory in that direction and now can't seem to turn himself around. I can't blame her exactly. It is bad luck though. I do wonder "what if?"</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This makes a lot of sense to me. Thanks for that insight.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This is EXACTLY how I feel about my son! It's like he's a zombie, or a victim in those "Body Snatchers" movies, and has been replaced by a particularly nasty alien.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>That was my original plan witzend--maybe I got carried away. It's such a long stupid story.<img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/blue.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":blue:" title="blue :blue:" data-shortname=":blue:" /></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>That is a very interesting and useful point of view. Thank you. I'm still pondering the answer right now.</p><p></p><p>Thank you all again.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="pandora404, post: 648446, member: 18282"] Thank you all very much for your thoughtful responses. You’re all the support I’ve got at the moment, and I’m deeply grateful. Just an update. The only help I am offering my son is food in exchange for presenting himself for treatment to a mental health specialist. The good news is: that seems to be working. We went together to see the psychiatrist they assigned him at the public hospital. This is a free service. This guy himself was a character. He was an older man close to retirement age. He was very relaxed and friendly. Also, oddly, shabbily dressed. He blathered on about himself too much I thought, and also dropped a lot of f-bombs. Still my son felt comfortable talking to him and has agreed to go back. Unfortunately the psychiatrist decided not to make the next appointment until two weeks from then. The main issue that seemed to concern him was the psychosis, ie. my son’s belief that people are following him, that every night at about 1 am people who know him somehow yell abuse at his window from the street, that someone is tracking his internet use, etc. He gently introduced the idea that my son might benefit from taking medication, but just to think about it. He told my son if he has a problem in the meanwhile he can call the mental health team. My son said “okay”. I said, “His phone doesn't have any credit. He can’t call anyone.” The psychiatrist said “Good. Don’t forget you can call the team” (ignoring what I’d just said.) :groan: I got a few minutes alone with this guy at the end. I told him quickly just a few things it turned out my son hadn’t revealed in their private session. The shattered door on Boxing Day. The breaking of my property when he lived at home. The hate-filled text messages on Christmas morning (sent when he was sober). He changed his demeanour, becoming more serious, then went out into the waiting room, and said “I want you to call me anytime. Anytime you have a problem. Please call me, okay?” My son said, okay. As we walked back to the car, I said, did that doctor actually give you his phone number? My son said, no. (How fake was that guy!) Afterwards, as was the deal, we shopped for him in the supermarket. Actually first we sat a table in a park, drinking takeaway coffees and negotiating a shopping list. I refused to buy any sugary snacks or junk food. Also, although he hadn’t requested it, I did buy him a few packets of beef jerky, and some protein bars and protein drinks from the bodybuilding section. This was on the advice of our dentist, who warned me that if he wasn’t feeding himself with enough protein, he would start suffering brain damage. (She also told me to get the protein supplement foods in Costco because they’re so expensive in regular supermarkets. That tip was also worth heeding.) I’m not planning to see him till the next appointment in two weeks. He’ll run out of food before then. I reminded him about the charity-run free restaurant in his area. The idea seemed aversive to him. I also told him about how, last year when my daughter went through a dumpster-diving phase (this is its own subculture in Sydney and there’s a Facebook group to share information) this one time I happened to be with her while she was doing it, I discovered those dumpsters behind food shops are mainly full of relatively fresh bread. Even good artisan bakery sourdoughs, for example. And it was all clean and individually wrapped in cellophane bags. (Unfortunately I don’t think dumpster diving is the way he rolls. Being a parasite is his MO.) The problem is definitely drugs (as you’ve all pointed out) but not just drugs. I believe he is one of those--10 % of people according to Russell Brand--who have an addictive personality. (You can chant, “all things in moderation” to them till the cows come home. They’re not listening.) I believe his first and worst addiction is the internet and electronic gaming. I believe that that overexposure to violent games and some online content (eg. the website [B]4chan[/B]) also hardened him or somehow damaged his capacity to have empathy, along with the cannabis. I also believe his mania for online gambling is a kind of sub-behaviour of his internet addiction. I don’t believe he’d bother catching the bus to a racetrack or casino, say, to gamble. And I believe if online gambling disappeared, he could stop gambling in a heartbeat. Confusingly, he’s had a lot of bad behaviours going on concurrently. Right now he has no money at all so, fingers crossed, it looks like he can’t get into much trouble. I shouldn’t have written that—just tempting fate! Other (small) positives are he went to his classes on the first day. In the supermarket, he asked me to buy him exercise books for the course, and I did. Thanks for that Tanya. I think I'll use that exact line in the future! Sorry, MidwestMom, I should have made that clear since most of you are in the US. I live in Sydney, Australia. The education system, health system, legal systems etc here are a little bit different. But the kids and their problems are just the same! Yes, thank you for that suggestion. I believe there is Al-Anon here. In December 2014 I did attend a related group, Nar-Anon, (Narcotics-Anon) but that particular group seemed to have fizzled out with only one other member that day. I've also attended a parents support group called Tough Love, which I believe has ceased to exist in the US and is just limping along here. That has also been very helpful and I learned a lot through them (but for complicated reasons, I've stopped going at the moment although I keep in contact with individual members who can give me the wisdom of their experience.) I am also confused about why he wasn't charged. The policemen said, he was so young at 18. They didn't want to give him a criminal record. The next day I rang the national Mental Health Advice line and spoke to a psychiatric nurse. He sighed and said, "Oh that's typical. The police don't actually care whether your kid gets a criminal record or not. They just didn't want the of bother dealing with it." I did kind of want my son to get a wake up call. Also I'm pretty sure a lawyer would have made him consult a psychiatrist for his defense. He was flying below the radar for so long. At least I have now got him into some kind of mental health treatment. Childofmine, thanks, this is a great example of a boundary. I think I will be able to put something similar into practise myself. Thank you so much for this comment, SuZir! You totally get my kid! Cedar, that's nice of you to ask. Very physically active, but gentle, a dreamer, played solitary imaginary games with his set of robot toys, liked drama and dance class, liked to laugh and had a contagious laugh that endeared him to others. Never cruel to animals or other children. When he was 3 or 4, I asked the doctor and various teachers if he was ADD, they always said, no, he was normal. For example, he could concentrate through a story reading. Now I do believe he was ADD inattentive type and wish I'd tried harder to have him diagnosed. Oh same! I couldn't get the signature thing to work otherwise I would have written a sentence about my daughter who is 2 and a half years older. She seemed to have had every teenage girl problem at about 17: running away, both anorexia and bulimia, destroying her own things, experimented with cutting herself, binge drinking, taking an overdose, etc. She dropped out of high school. Family therapy and dialectical therapy ultimately worked for her. (Or did she just somehow grow out of all that dysfunction? I don't really know.) Today she's 21, doing great in a university course, is productive, happy and healthy. In 2011, I wouldn't have bet 5 cents on her being a success story! It just shows there's hope. In 2011, she seemed like the difficult one, and he seemed like the decent easy child. (In fact [I]he[/I] was the one who urged me to get psychiatric help for her.) Looking back I think when [I]she [/I]went off the rails, my son became gradually more and more self-pitying and angry, with accompanying bad behaviour. She seems to have brought herself back from the edge of utterly failing at life, but he somehow got started on a trajectory in that direction and now can't seem to turn himself around. I can't blame her exactly. It is bad luck though. I do wonder "what if?" This makes a lot of sense to me. Thanks for that insight. This is EXACTLY how I feel about my son! It's like he's a zombie, or a victim in those "Body Snatchers" movies, and has been replaced by a particularly nasty alien. That was my original plan witzend--maybe I got carried away. It's such a long stupid story.:blue: That is a very interesting and useful point of view. Thank you. I'm still pondering the answer right now. Thank you all again. [/QUOTE]
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