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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 616186" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Welcome, mama.</p><p></p><p>I have a daughter in an abusive relationship, too. It's heartbreaking to know our children are being hurt and there is nothing we can do, and no way to keep them from going back. </p><p></p><p>But mama, I think you are being mistreated by this daughter you love so well. Over time, you have had to accept that she is stealing, that drug use may be part of the picture, that the male is abusive. These are such hard things to know, hard things to face, but you have done that. </p><p></p><p>Good job, mama.</p><p></p><p>So many of us don't have the courage to acknowledge what is right in front of us. For them, the healing process is longer and harder. For you, this time will be a process of reclaiming your own power from your daughter. For beginning, can you picture so clearly just how you would like your relationship with her to be?</p><p></p><p>No rudeness. No irresponsibility. No stealing from family ~ in fact, just the opposite. She should be helping family. No crummy jerk of a boyfriend. </p><p></p><p>A nice, stable man with a future, right, mama?</p><p></p><p>Think of all the ways life should be for this child you love so much.</p><p></p><p>Now?</p><p></p><p>You need to demand no less than that, from her. You are her mother. She will take her cues from you. If you allow this self-destructive behavior, if you commiserate over the woe she has created in her own life, that behavior is what will continue. I know this, because my daughter was the same way. I took the blame on myself. My husband took the blame. Everyone wondered how we had somehow destroyed our daughter's life, how we had created in her this poor, wounded person. The answer? We didn't. But we continued to deal with her from her reality, instead of our own. Her reality was not healthy. There is no telling whether our current situation, with this same child who is now nearing 40, might have been a different, better situation had we responded from a position of strength. But we did not. We sunk, instead, to her level. </p><p></p><p>And we are still there, mama, after some twenty five hard, painful, horrible, self and family-destructive years.</p><p></p><p>Know that I wish you and your child well, mama. Here on the site, we practice something called detachment. It is a skill set which, once we get it, enables us to stop encouraging self destructive behavior in our children. We don't want to go there. I am learning that going there may be the only thing that truly helps our self destructive children. Detaching means that we let them go. We don't pay, we don't worry, we don't commiserate with them over what they have suffered through their own faulty choices.</p><p></p><p>I am learning too, mama.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 616186, member: 17461"] Welcome, mama. I have a daughter in an abusive relationship, too. It's heartbreaking to know our children are being hurt and there is nothing we can do, and no way to keep them from going back. But mama, I think you are being mistreated by this daughter you love so well. Over time, you have had to accept that she is stealing, that drug use may be part of the picture, that the male is abusive. These are such hard things to know, hard things to face, but you have done that. Good job, mama. So many of us don't have the courage to acknowledge what is right in front of us. For them, the healing process is longer and harder. For you, this time will be a process of reclaiming your own power from your daughter. For beginning, can you picture so clearly just how you would like your relationship with her to be? No rudeness. No irresponsibility. No stealing from family ~ in fact, just the opposite. She should be helping family. No crummy jerk of a boyfriend. A nice, stable man with a future, right, mama? Think of all the ways life should be for this child you love so much. Now? You need to demand no less than that, from her. You are her mother. She will take her cues from you. If you allow this self-destructive behavior, if you commiserate over the woe she has created in her own life, that behavior is what will continue. I know this, because my daughter was the same way. I took the blame on myself. My husband took the blame. Everyone wondered how we had somehow destroyed our daughter's life, how we had created in her this poor, wounded person. The answer? We didn't. But we continued to deal with her from her reality, instead of our own. Her reality was not healthy. There is no telling whether our current situation, with this same child who is now nearing 40, might have been a different, better situation had we responded from a position of strength. But we did not. We sunk, instead, to her level. And we are still there, mama, after some twenty five hard, painful, horrible, self and family-destructive years. Know that I wish you and your child well, mama. Here on the site, we practice something called detachment. It is a skill set which, once we get it, enables us to stop encouraging self destructive behavior in our children. We don't want to go there. I am learning that going there may be the only thing that truly helps our self destructive children. Detaching means that we let them go. We don't pay, we don't worry, we don't commiserate with them over what they have suffered through their own faulty choices. I am learning too, mama. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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