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<blockquote data-quote="HereWeGoAgain" data-source="post: 33307" data-attributes="member: 3485"><p>Hi grammy, and welcome!</p><p></p><p>I know someone exactly like your description of your daughter -- my ex-wife. Always needy, unable to accept responsibility, constantly mooching, always playing yeah-but ("Here's what needs to happen..." "Yeah, but...") -- even the aimless driving around. Psychiatrically, I don't know the name for it. Elements of depression and another pattern I learned about recently, borderline personality; then again, having learned about it recently, I tend to see it everywhere now. Whatever. Doesn't matter.</p><p></p><p>The big problem here is the kids. What are the chances that you can take over their care? Do you have room, is your health good, and do you have the time? I know you said you work full-time. It sounds like dealing with daughter is a second full-time job already; can the children be that much worse? Financially you could cut off daughter's many subsidies and redirect the funds to caring for the grands, maybe hiring some help around the house?</p><p></p><p>Problem with taking over care of grands is that daughter has the legal rights and can use them as a weapon. She can theoretically take them from you any time and there is not a thing you can do about it. Then again, where's she going to run to? She won't last long without your money.</p><p></p><p>Seems like your choices boil down to: play the tough love card and be prepared to raise the grandkids yourself, or let the situation go on just like it has. I can tell you that that tank of gas from last night is not going to last the week. First thing you can do in the tough love dept. is refuse to refill it tomorrow and don't pay her or anyone else to clean up her place. In fact my advice on her place is forget about trying to get her to keep house. It just ain't gonna happen. Likewise don't waste your energy on cajoling her on the other expectations. Just tell her if she does not meet your conditions, the funds stop. That's it. "Do to get" is a popular saying around here. No harping on it, fretting about it, or dwelling on it, just a simple statement of expectation and consequences. And then follow through -- you'll have to, 'cuz she won't believe til it happens. Brace yourself to resist the sob stories. She'll live.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="HereWeGoAgain, post: 33307, member: 3485"] Hi grammy, and welcome! I know someone exactly like your description of your daughter -- my ex-wife. Always needy, unable to accept responsibility, constantly mooching, always playing yeah-but ("Here's what needs to happen..." "Yeah, but...") -- even the aimless driving around. Psychiatrically, I don't know the name for it. Elements of depression and another pattern I learned about recently, borderline personality; then again, having learned about it recently, I tend to see it everywhere now. Whatever. Doesn't matter. The big problem here is the kids. What are the chances that you can take over their care? Do you have room, is your health good, and do you have the time? I know you said you work full-time. It sounds like dealing with daughter is a second full-time job already; can the children be that much worse? Financially you could cut off daughter's many subsidies and redirect the funds to caring for the grands, maybe hiring some help around the house? Problem with taking over care of grands is that daughter has the legal rights and can use them as a weapon. She can theoretically take them from you any time and there is not a thing you can do about it. Then again, where's she going to run to? She won't last long without your money. Seems like your choices boil down to: play the tough love card and be prepared to raise the grandkids yourself, or let the situation go on just like it has. I can tell you that that tank of gas from last night is not going to last the week. First thing you can do in the tough love dept. is refuse to refill it tomorrow and don't pay her or anyone else to clean up her place. In fact my advice on her place is forget about trying to get her to keep house. It just ain't gonna happen. Likewise don't waste your energy on cajoling her on the other expectations. Just tell her if she does not meet your conditions, the funds stop. That's it. "Do to get" is a popular saying around here. No harping on it, fretting about it, or dwelling on it, just a simple statement of expectation and consequences. And then follow through -- you'll have to, 'cuz she won't believe til it happens. Brace yourself to resist the sob stories. She'll live. [/QUOTE]
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