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New here...any other step-parents??? This is long...
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 310959" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I'm coming late to this. Also struggling on my laptop, so please ignore any typos!</p><p></p><p>I'm not in a step-relationship but I have seen these issues, plus we have major autism/Aspie issues in our family. I also have a friend with an autistic son who I have tried to help. But his parents are both in denial in different ways, the mother will 'toe the line' with her husband and will avoid challengingh her husband's inability to accept ANY imperfections in his son. It's been weird, because this man thinks difficult child 3 is fabulous, wants his son to be like difficult child 3. But buddy, in order to get that it takes A LOT of parental stepping up to the plate!</p><p></p><p>We believe husband probably has some degree of Asperger's. WHen I think back, I probably also had "Aspie-lite" because I know I had some issues socially when I was younger. However, my upbringing was very sheltered and narrow, it alone could have been responsible.</p><p></p><p>SS could have any one of a number of conditions. The behaviour you describe - we got that, when difficult child 3 was put on Strattera. I was really wondering if we had a suddenly psychotic kid on our hands. With hindsight we should have taken him to hospital. But we stopped the medications (he'd only been on it 3 days) and over the nexct few days the behaviour improved.</p><p></p><p>From what you describe, SS has a range of things working against him.</p><p>First, he was born with a brain wired differently (in some currently misunderstood way). </p><p>Second, his parents have been inconsistent and ineffective. For whatever reason, including the possibility of them simply feeling incapable, or even themselves being wired differently. The reasons don't matter.</p><p></p><p>SS needed help from a very early age. Instead, he's been allowed to run wild. Sometimes this can actually help a little, but you need to start from there and bring him into a more normal existence. And it sounds like nobody has tried this until you - and of course, it meets resistance.</p><p></p><p>It is vitally important (and I'm sure you know this) to not try to implement any discipline methods you can't enforce. With SO not stepping up to the plate, it makes it virtually impossible for you to do anything in this department. </p><p>So you need (if you're going to try to make a difference in this kid's life) to find a different way that you CAN do something with. The best angle is to try to teach this kid self-discipline and self-reliance. And do it without using discpline.</p><p></p><p>Read "Explosive Child". Whatever the diagnosis, the book should help you get into the kid's head and find ways to help him help himself. Try it out on SO as well. I use the techniques in the book even on our education system!</p><p></p><p>That neuropsychologist you took him to - what an idiot! I think you indicated in your first post that SS has language issues. In which case, you can't apply the usual assessments to the child and expect a meanignful result. The "borderline retarded" label is undoubtedly a gross underestimate. We had the same thing happen to us, with each of our boys. Later results proved the first assessments to be major underestimates. In each case we got the "borderline" label, when tests done a few years later showed IQ scores in the top 1% of the population. Big difference!</p><p></p><p>You've said a lot in your posts. Now let's analyse a little.</p><p></p><p>SS's life has been unstable. His discipline has been erratic and inconsistent. He is allowed to do what he wants although recently his gaming is more controlled. So what are the stable influences in his life?</p><p>Apart from you, SO is at least there physically. However, he seems to have got into the habit of finding a female to take over the parenting role for him. Not healthy for SS, not healthy for SO.</p><p>But the grandparents - can you enlist their involvement and support? They are of the generation that beleives all mental health medicine to be quackery, but hopefully they're not of that view. How are they with him?</p><p></p><p>His behaviour to you - the insolence, the refusal, tha tantrums at "no" - read "Explosive Child" for a different approach to handle this. It's not easy, but we've found that trying to discipline that is bnot the way to go. We handle it differently, because this is not simply a child being deliberately rude. There is a lot more to it. Once we changed our direction, we saw difficult child 3 begin himself to control his own behaviour. HIS choice.</p><p></p><p>Also, have a look at <a href="http://www.childbrain.com" target="_blank">www.childbrain.com</a>. Do the Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) tests on SO and SS, see hwat you get. It's not officially diagnostic, but it can give you some ideas.</p><p></p><p>The problems now with SS are complex in origin (environmental plus genetic) and won't be easily remedied. Even if you had free rein, it wouldn't be easy. medications are not a cure, but in some areas they can help manage. But you have to be able to go on from there and use the advantage gained to work on what is left. Regular counselling (with parental follow-through) is needed.</p><p></p><p>Your SO's behaviour in this is like a person who has paid to do an expensive course on, say, painting in oils. They attend the classes, listen to the teacher, admire the work - then go home and do absolutely no painting whatsoever. Or if they paint and the teacher says, "Try adding a bit more light in the background," and the student makes no changes whatsoever - then the student has forfeited the right to complain about the course or the teacher.</p><p></p><p>We pay for expert assistance and information, but we must be prepared to follow through and do something ourselves. Otherwise nothing is gained whatsoever.</p><p></p><p>As for why you choose to stay - that is clearly your choice and you do not have to explain. To go into details distracts from your main question - what, if anything, can you do for this child?</p><p></p><p>There are things you can do. But because your situation (and SS) are outside the nomral run of the mill, you will need to learn how to think (and act) outside the square.</p><p></p><p>But many of us have learnt how to do this, so feel free to dump on us as needed.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 310959, member: 1991"] I'm coming late to this. Also struggling on my laptop, so please ignore any typos! I'm not in a step-relationship but I have seen these issues, plus we have major autism/Aspie issues in our family. I also have a friend with an autistic son who I have tried to help. But his parents are both in denial in different ways, the mother will 'toe the line' with her husband and will avoid challengingh her husband's inability to accept ANY imperfections in his son. It's been weird, because this man thinks difficult child 3 is fabulous, wants his son to be like difficult child 3. But buddy, in order to get that it takes A LOT of parental stepping up to the plate! We believe husband probably has some degree of Asperger's. WHen I think back, I probably also had "Aspie-lite" because I know I had some issues socially when I was younger. However, my upbringing was very sheltered and narrow, it alone could have been responsible. SS could have any one of a number of conditions. The behaviour you describe - we got that, when difficult child 3 was put on Strattera. I was really wondering if we had a suddenly psychotic kid on our hands. With hindsight we should have taken him to hospital. But we stopped the medications (he'd only been on it 3 days) and over the nexct few days the behaviour improved. From what you describe, SS has a range of things working against him. First, he was born with a brain wired differently (in some currently misunderstood way). Second, his parents have been inconsistent and ineffective. For whatever reason, including the possibility of them simply feeling incapable, or even themselves being wired differently. The reasons don't matter. SS needed help from a very early age. Instead, he's been allowed to run wild. Sometimes this can actually help a little, but you need to start from there and bring him into a more normal existence. And it sounds like nobody has tried this until you - and of course, it meets resistance. It is vitally important (and I'm sure you know this) to not try to implement any discipline methods you can't enforce. With SO not stepping up to the plate, it makes it virtually impossible for you to do anything in this department. So you need (if you're going to try to make a difference in this kid's life) to find a different way that you CAN do something with. The best angle is to try to teach this kid self-discipline and self-reliance. And do it without using discpline. Read "Explosive Child". Whatever the diagnosis, the book should help you get into the kid's head and find ways to help him help himself. Try it out on SO as well. I use the techniques in the book even on our education system! That neuropsychologist you took him to - what an idiot! I think you indicated in your first post that SS has language issues. In which case, you can't apply the usual assessments to the child and expect a meanignful result. The "borderline retarded" label is undoubtedly a gross underestimate. We had the same thing happen to us, with each of our boys. Later results proved the first assessments to be major underestimates. In each case we got the "borderline" label, when tests done a few years later showed IQ scores in the top 1% of the population. Big difference! You've said a lot in your posts. Now let's analyse a little. SS's life has been unstable. His discipline has been erratic and inconsistent. He is allowed to do what he wants although recently his gaming is more controlled. So what are the stable influences in his life? Apart from you, SO is at least there physically. However, he seems to have got into the habit of finding a female to take over the parenting role for him. Not healthy for SS, not healthy for SO. But the grandparents - can you enlist their involvement and support? They are of the generation that beleives all mental health medicine to be quackery, but hopefully they're not of that view. How are they with him? His behaviour to you - the insolence, the refusal, tha tantrums at "no" - read "Explosive Child" for a different approach to handle this. It's not easy, but we've found that trying to discipline that is bnot the way to go. We handle it differently, because this is not simply a child being deliberately rude. There is a lot more to it. Once we changed our direction, we saw difficult child 3 begin himself to control his own behaviour. HIS choice. Also, have a look at [url]www.childbrain.com[/url]. Do the Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) tests on SO and SS, see hwat you get. It's not officially diagnostic, but it can give you some ideas. The problems now with SS are complex in origin (environmental plus genetic) and won't be easily remedied. Even if you had free rein, it wouldn't be easy. medications are not a cure, but in some areas they can help manage. But you have to be able to go on from there and use the advantage gained to work on what is left. Regular counselling (with parental follow-through) is needed. Your SO's behaviour in this is like a person who has paid to do an expensive course on, say, painting in oils. They attend the classes, listen to the teacher, admire the work - then go home and do absolutely no painting whatsoever. Or if they paint and the teacher says, "Try adding a bit more light in the background," and the student makes no changes whatsoever - then the student has forfeited the right to complain about the course or the teacher. We pay for expert assistance and information, but we must be prepared to follow through and do something ourselves. Otherwise nothing is gained whatsoever. As for why you choose to stay - that is clearly your choice and you do not have to explain. To go into details distracts from your main question - what, if anything, can you do for this child? There are things you can do. But because your situation (and SS) are outside the nomral run of the mill, you will need to learn how to think (and act) outside the square. But many of us have learnt how to do this, so feel free to dump on us as needed. Marg [/QUOTE]
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