Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
New here - have a stepson with issues... Need help! (LONG!)
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 323788" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I'm glad you're in touch here. Things do sound messy. </p><p></p><p>a few thoughts - </p><p></p><p>1) He is the younger one, right? You seemed to indicate this, then it confused me when you said he had a younger sister plus the baby that's on the way. So, just confirming... I'll continue with that assumption.</p><p></p><p>2) I've known people who let their toddlers run around with no nappies on. A lot of those, the kids were neglected in other ways, allowed to run wild and not really paid attention to. Most of them turned out to be fairly normal. In some areas, leaving your kid to run around naked is the way they manage toilet training. Let the ground catch it then eventually (after a year or so of this) the kid works out that everyone else uses a toilet. It's not what I would do, but it is done this way so often and they don't all turn out like your stepson. And your stepdaughter isn't like this, so why him?</p><p></p><p>My conclusion - the upbringing may be a factor, but I don't think it's the main factor.</p><p></p><p>Example - difficult child 1 was a horror when it came to toilet training. He would refuse to dirty his nappy, but he would also refuse to sit on the potty, even fully clothed (for practice). I had to bribe him to sit on the potty fdully clothed and even then it took weeks of coaxing plus bribes before he would even sit on the potty fleetingly. Similarly, he hated having his head wet. We literally went years without us being able to wash his hair.</p><p>Now, it would be really easy for people to say that this was because he had been traumatised in some way. But he hadn't.</p><p>The logic of it all is - we observe problems. So let us look for an e asy answer as to the cause of these problems. Once a possibly culprit is found, mostpeople stop looking. And sometimes there are multiple causes.</p><p></p><p>I think your stepson's problems are probably multiple in origin.</p><p></p><p>Let's have another think - what could the boy have inherited? </p><p>Now let's look at this from a different angle - why was his biomom such a rotten mother? is there someting in her makeup, something she inherited, something which made it harder for her to be a responsible mother, which she could have passed on to her son?</p><p></p><p>A lot of what you describe could be explained as Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD). Except for the lying. These kids don't lie, although they often try to lie. But they tend to be very bad at lying, and their lies tend to be simple, along the lines of "I didn't do it" even when caught red-handed.</p><p></p><p>Of what you describe, what Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) could explain - the toileting problems. The tantrums, the throwing things. Leaving notes, including ones expressing anger. Maybe especially ones expressing anger. Saying mean things. Determination to do things exactly as HE wants to do them and apparent oppositionality. Impulse control problems. Arguing. Refusing to go to time out on demand. So many other things - yes, Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) could explain it all.</p><p></p><p>So could a number of other disorders.</p><p></p><p>But you are the one living with this, you are the one on the spot listening to your parental instinct. And yes, you can't allow this to continue, especially with your concerns about the baby.</p><p></p><p>If it's Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) then chances are, the baby is in less danger than you fear. However, you don't need any more fear at all in your world, this is YOUR baby and you need to feel safe.</p><p></p><p>One thing really worries me - he wrote to his grandmother that he hated her, just fter she gave him a donut. Now, Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids tend to be very immediate, they don't usually hold grudges like that. Yes, they can be angry but not while someone is being nice to them. If that were difficult child 3, for example, and I had just given him a donut and then he handed me a note like that, he would only hve done it if I had badly upset him after giving him the donut. Otherwise he never would have accepted the donut from me.</p><p></p><p>So while I say that this sounds a lot like Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD), I do think you need to get him assessed with a wider range of possibilities.</p><p></p><p>Forget about the ODD angle for now - it generally doesn't happen on its own, it's usually in response to some other underlying problem. Treat the underlying problem and it tends to resolve.</p><p></p><p>His sister seems OK but he is not. It could also be another indication that this is something especially wrong with him that she doesn't have. However, all kids are different and respond to situations in different ways. It still could be just environment. </p><p></p><p>So after all these considerations here is my advice - sorry to be so long-winded.</p><p></p><p>1) Get him assessed, preferably by a neuropsychologist. Not only to thoroughly check out (and probably rule out) Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD), but to also try to identify what it perhaps IS.</p><p></p><p>2) Get him to a therapist of some sort, this kid has a lot of emotional baggage that needs ongoing therapy.</p><p></p><p>3) Get yourself to your own therapist, you need it with the strain you're under. When the baby arrives you are REALLY going to have your hands full and must not neglect your own emotional health.</p><p></p><p>4) Get your hands on a copy of "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene, it presents a different way of handling a child like this, ways that could work better but also be easier for you. Any discipline methods which are not worknig well, even if they work brilliantly for other kids and come with the highest recommendations, should be dropped. It if doesn't work, don't use it.</p><p></p><p>The discipline methods you describe using, are really good. Very effective.</p><p></p><p>But they're not working on him. That tells me that there is something wrong, something big, and this needs more than just discipline. it is your failure, and your deep concerns, that tell me that this is probably more than just a rough start in life.</p><p></p><p>In which case - the sooner you get a good handle on what it is, the sooner more appropriate help can be put in place and the sooner you all feel a lot more in control and a lot safer.</p><p></p><p>Let us know how you get on.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 323788, member: 1991"] I'm glad you're in touch here. Things do sound messy. a few thoughts - 1) He is the younger one, right? You seemed to indicate this, then it confused me when you said he had a younger sister plus the baby that's on the way. So, just confirming... I'll continue with that assumption. 2) I've known people who let their toddlers run around with no nappies on. A lot of those, the kids were neglected in other ways, allowed to run wild and not really paid attention to. Most of them turned out to be fairly normal. In some areas, leaving your kid to run around naked is the way they manage toilet training. Let the ground catch it then eventually (after a year or so of this) the kid works out that everyone else uses a toilet. It's not what I would do, but it is done this way so often and they don't all turn out like your stepson. And your stepdaughter isn't like this, so why him? My conclusion - the upbringing may be a factor, but I don't think it's the main factor. Example - difficult child 1 was a horror when it came to toilet training. He would refuse to dirty his nappy, but he would also refuse to sit on the potty, even fully clothed (for practice). I had to bribe him to sit on the potty fdully clothed and even then it took weeks of coaxing plus bribes before he would even sit on the potty fleetingly. Similarly, he hated having his head wet. We literally went years without us being able to wash his hair. Now, it would be really easy for people to say that this was because he had been traumatised in some way. But he hadn't. The logic of it all is - we observe problems. So let us look for an e asy answer as to the cause of these problems. Once a possibly culprit is found, mostpeople stop looking. And sometimes there are multiple causes. I think your stepson's problems are probably multiple in origin. Let's have another think - what could the boy have inherited? Now let's look at this from a different angle - why was his biomom such a rotten mother? is there someting in her makeup, something she inherited, something which made it harder for her to be a responsible mother, which she could have passed on to her son? A lot of what you describe could be explained as Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD). Except for the lying. These kids don't lie, although they often try to lie. But they tend to be very bad at lying, and their lies tend to be simple, along the lines of "I didn't do it" even when caught red-handed. Of what you describe, what Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) could explain - the toileting problems. The tantrums, the throwing things. Leaving notes, including ones expressing anger. Maybe especially ones expressing anger. Saying mean things. Determination to do things exactly as HE wants to do them and apparent oppositionality. Impulse control problems. Arguing. Refusing to go to time out on demand. So many other things - yes, Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) could explain it all. So could a number of other disorders. But you are the one living with this, you are the one on the spot listening to your parental instinct. And yes, you can't allow this to continue, especially with your concerns about the baby. If it's Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) then chances are, the baby is in less danger than you fear. However, you don't need any more fear at all in your world, this is YOUR baby and you need to feel safe. One thing really worries me - he wrote to his grandmother that he hated her, just fter she gave him a donut. Now, Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids tend to be very immediate, they don't usually hold grudges like that. Yes, they can be angry but not while someone is being nice to them. If that were difficult child 3, for example, and I had just given him a donut and then he handed me a note like that, he would only hve done it if I had badly upset him after giving him the donut. Otherwise he never would have accepted the donut from me. So while I say that this sounds a lot like Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD), I do think you need to get him assessed with a wider range of possibilities. Forget about the ODD angle for now - it generally doesn't happen on its own, it's usually in response to some other underlying problem. Treat the underlying problem and it tends to resolve. His sister seems OK but he is not. It could also be another indication that this is something especially wrong with him that she doesn't have. However, all kids are different and respond to situations in different ways. It still could be just environment. So after all these considerations here is my advice - sorry to be so long-winded. 1) Get him assessed, preferably by a neuropsychologist. Not only to thoroughly check out (and probably rule out) Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD), but to also try to identify what it perhaps IS. 2) Get him to a therapist of some sort, this kid has a lot of emotional baggage that needs ongoing therapy. 3) Get yourself to your own therapist, you need it with the strain you're under. When the baby arrives you are REALLY going to have your hands full and must not neglect your own emotional health. 4) Get your hands on a copy of "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene, it presents a different way of handling a child like this, ways that could work better but also be easier for you. Any discipline methods which are not worknig well, even if they work brilliantly for other kids and come with the highest recommendations, should be dropped. It if doesn't work, don't use it. The discipline methods you describe using, are really good. Very effective. But they're not working on him. That tells me that there is something wrong, something big, and this needs more than just discipline. it is your failure, and your deep concerns, that tell me that this is probably more than just a rough start in life. In which case - the sooner you get a good handle on what it is, the sooner more appropriate help can be put in place and the sooner you all feel a lot more in control and a lot safer. Let us know how you get on. Marg [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
New here - have a stepson with issues... Need help! (LONG!)
Top