Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
New here, need advice re wilderness
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 407409" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>AHF, </p><p> </p><p>Hi and welcome to the board. I can feel a lot of emotion in your post and a ton of love for your son. I also feel the same things that most if not all of us feel for our children at one time or another and that is desperation. Sometimes we want so badly for there to be that one last cure, that one last hope that one last try, the one miracle, or rock that WE feel WE have not over-turned for them - that we often loose sight of the fact that the help seeking has become a quest for US ----and not THEM. The problem in that? At what point do WE step out of their lives and allow them to fail on their own? To try their own successes or, sadly failures. Scary? Oh (long exhale) yes. I have a 20 year old 'living the life', I buried a 19 year old two years ago last Sunday. Scary isn't even close to what I feel. However - at what point do you hand them the reigns to their own life whether you feel they are mentally ill or go the next step and declare them completely mentally incompetent and begin to take care of them for the rest of their life? Is your son that bad at 21? Or does he have a gambling problem, and you're afraid to let go for fear of what he will do on his own without your care? I'm in no way judging or telling you to do one thing or another - he is your son. You make those decisions - I'm merely proposing you look at this situation he is bringing to your family and asking you to rationally decide is this a situation you are willing to put yourself, your husband and the rest of your family through for say another five years? Or do you want to begin to learn how to detach, and allow your son to finally take care of his own problems? </p><p> </p><p>At 21? He's talked you into bringing him home at Christmas when he wasn't really stable enough. I would guess that the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) had alterior financial motives masked in "cautious feelings" for his step down program AND the fact that he was probably older than most of the residents. If he was working with them prior to Christmas? My thoughts would be (just like my son - that months prior to Christmas - he was not working and then all of a sudden it was a CHRISTMAS MIRACLE) - he had alterior motives to get out, come home, hook-up with his buddies stating he was just going to the store - and voila~ slip-town again because WHERE would he go again if/WHEN he messed up? DUH - right back to residential...(I was so naive). </p><p> </p><p>I think at 21? With the thought of NOT having to work - and yet again MOM supporting him for a 'wilderness camp' vs. actually getting a real job - to me? Sounds AWESOME. Depressed or not - I think the kid is SO smart - he's got everyone so buffaloed he knows if he stays JUST on this side of the line? He has more time to figure out how to stay out of the main stream life. I think he's brilliant. He's obviously NO dummy if he's in college. My back burner thought would be '''''WHAT?? would he say if you just threw it out there that 'There was no more money for WILDERNESS camp, funding had been cut for college and it seemed he would HAVE to get a part time job - and be on his own to support himself?" Id be curious to see his reaction to that knowing that you couldn't pay for his lifesytle then. Let him see what it would be like on his own - EXCEPT for -------THERAPY, and medications. </p><p> </p><p>At that point DO YOU THINK .....you would see a child interested in his mental health as much as he is now? </p><p> </p><p>If so? Then you have a good idea where he is -------that yes he really is interested in getting well and helping himself. And be careful about the time it takes him to answer -like I said he is really smart. </p><p> </p><p>If not? Then you know he's stringing you along for a free ride ------and not interested in getting well - just taking a few more years of free room and board and will do "whatever' in the mean time...then figure out the rest as he goes. It will be one crisis after another. </p><p> </p><p>We chose NOT to do wilderness camp - We did ONE last group home at 17, foster care and then called it quits. We still support our son - but from a distance and we do love him - but we took the high road to detachment 3 states away and we STILL have drama - but it's interesting to see that he has MANY regrets and NOW wants all those things we offered him - but he'll have to get them on his own....He's 20. Life is kicking his hiney.....he's uneducated, has a felony record, and is 'living the life.' ------and will continue to do so until he gets his own education, gets a job, and straightens his own mess out. Things we can't do for him. </p><p> </p><p>Hope this makes sense - sounds harsh I know - but after a year? I finally got - "Mom, I'm sorry." I waited years for that.....and my son was also suicidal - attemted 3 times, is depressed, has no drivers license, and I'm not sure currently if he has a place to stay or not. Yes I hate it, No I'm not doing anything about it. </p><p> </p><p>Hugs - </p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 407409, member: 4964"] AHF, Hi and welcome to the board. I can feel a lot of emotion in your post and a ton of love for your son. I also feel the same things that most if not all of us feel for our children at one time or another and that is desperation. Sometimes we want so badly for there to be that one last cure, that one last hope that one last try, the one miracle, or rock that WE feel WE have not over-turned for them - that we often loose sight of the fact that the help seeking has become a quest for US ----and not THEM. The problem in that? At what point do WE step out of their lives and allow them to fail on their own? To try their own successes or, sadly failures. Scary? Oh (long exhale) yes. I have a 20 year old 'living the life', I buried a 19 year old two years ago last Sunday. Scary isn't even close to what I feel. However - at what point do you hand them the reigns to their own life whether you feel they are mentally ill or go the next step and declare them completely mentally incompetent and begin to take care of them for the rest of their life? Is your son that bad at 21? Or does he have a gambling problem, and you're afraid to let go for fear of what he will do on his own without your care? I'm in no way judging or telling you to do one thing or another - he is your son. You make those decisions - I'm merely proposing you look at this situation he is bringing to your family and asking you to rationally decide is this a situation you are willing to put yourself, your husband and the rest of your family through for say another five years? Or do you want to begin to learn how to detach, and allow your son to finally take care of his own problems? At 21? He's talked you into bringing him home at Christmas when he wasn't really stable enough. I would guess that the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) had alterior financial motives masked in "cautious feelings" for his step down program AND the fact that he was probably older than most of the residents. If he was working with them prior to Christmas? My thoughts would be (just like my son - that months prior to Christmas - he was not working and then all of a sudden it was a CHRISTMAS MIRACLE) - he had alterior motives to get out, come home, hook-up with his buddies stating he was just going to the store - and voila~ slip-town again because WHERE would he go again if/WHEN he messed up? DUH - right back to residential...(I was so naive). I think at 21? With the thought of NOT having to work - and yet again MOM supporting him for a 'wilderness camp' vs. actually getting a real job - to me? Sounds AWESOME. Depressed or not - I think the kid is SO smart - he's got everyone so buffaloed he knows if he stays JUST on this side of the line? He has more time to figure out how to stay out of the main stream life. I think he's brilliant. He's obviously NO dummy if he's in college. My back burner thought would be '''''WHAT?? would he say if you just threw it out there that 'There was no more money for WILDERNESS camp, funding had been cut for college and it seemed he would HAVE to get a part time job - and be on his own to support himself?" Id be curious to see his reaction to that knowing that you couldn't pay for his lifesytle then. Let him see what it would be like on his own - EXCEPT for -------THERAPY, and medications. At that point DO YOU THINK .....you would see a child interested in his mental health as much as he is now? If so? Then you have a good idea where he is -------that yes he really is interested in getting well and helping himself. And be careful about the time it takes him to answer -like I said he is really smart. If not? Then you know he's stringing you along for a free ride ------and not interested in getting well - just taking a few more years of free room and board and will do "whatever' in the mean time...then figure out the rest as he goes. It will be one crisis after another. We chose NOT to do wilderness camp - We did ONE last group home at 17, foster care and then called it quits. We still support our son - but from a distance and we do love him - but we took the high road to detachment 3 states away and we STILL have drama - but it's interesting to see that he has MANY regrets and NOW wants all those things we offered him - but he'll have to get them on his own....He's 20. Life is kicking his hiney.....he's uneducated, has a felony record, and is 'living the life.' ------and will continue to do so until he gets his own education, gets a job, and straightens his own mess out. Things we can't do for him. Hope this makes sense - sounds harsh I know - but after a year? I finally got - "Mom, I'm sorry." I waited years for that.....and my son was also suicidal - attemted 3 times, is depressed, has no drivers license, and I'm not sure currently if he has a place to stay or not. Yes I hate it, No I'm not doing anything about it. Hugs - Star [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
New here, need advice re wilderness
Top