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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 363648" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Doddlin - </p><p> </p><p>If it makes you feel any better - you have an extended family here. (I know some of us are a little odd. - that's Odd not ODD) But we're a really good group of people that I'm sure you couldn't type something about what your kid has done and someone here would say - "OH ME TOO." I raised what I would consider one of the worst behaved boys anyone has ever met. I have a certificate to prove it - (no I'm serious). </p><p> </p><p>So take into consideration that you are now NOT alone. Believe me if you do something um....."odd" and post it here or you do something that will ultimately lead you to complete parental failure? You'll get responses - not mean, not ugly - just HEY you know that doesn't work right? Or sometimes if you really do a no no - you can get spanked, by others - lol. Verbally - verbally! Then if you're really bad? You get sent to the corner (You'll be in good company though I'm there a lot) <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/tongue.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":tongue:" title="tongue :tongue:" data-shortname=":tongue:" /> </p><p> </p><p>First of all - I read the lower part of your response where you say you felt like a failure. Gotta ask - WHEN you were making decisions for your boys how did you make those decisions? I mean think back about something that you consider a bad time - (got it?) okay now ------ask yourself </p><p>1.) Did I make that decision based on KNOWING the outcome would or could be the worst possible outcome? </p><p>2.) Did I make that decision solely for MY benefit, to profit from or gain something out of it for yourself? </p><p>or </p><p>3.) Did I make the best decision I could at the time, based on the experiences I had, and the knowledge I possessed for the best possible outcome for my kids and not necessarily myself? </p><p> </p><p>Most people when asked will answer #3. BUT -----they will still say I should have or I wish I would have or I'm a failure or I'm a looser parent. So I have to say - SHOULD is a word you need to erase from your vocabulary - Ever time you catch yourself thinking I SHOULD HAVE with my 2 sons - you should just smack your hand or stop yourself. Why? Because you made the best choice you could based on what you knew for the best outcome. </p><p> </p><p>Do we yell? Sure - live with a difficult child for 19 years and see if you don't go bald, have red eyes, look like rudolph, think you need to take stock in Kleenex and chloraseptic for a hoarse voice. Not to mention feeling like you are tied up in knots about 99% of your life because 1.) It's not fun to live with someone who has any kind of disorder.....and 2) It wears on you and even though you did the best you could - there is always room for improvement. ----The second half of that #2 - you already have accomplished by coming here and seeking out help and going to Families annonymous. So you cried? Big whoop. Sweet potatoes - have any "normal" person live with a difficult child for a week and see how fast they return them. Of course EVERYONE that does not live with one is an expert - your friends (if you have any left) ----and personally I thank my son for cutting the real ones from the herd - Know what I mean?? I need friends that are going to say "I understand - what do you need me to do? - Can I take him for an afternoon so you can get some peace and rest?" Yeah - all my friends wanted to do was tell ME how I "SHOULD" do this or that. The only one I cut my son loose on who has raised THREE perfect children - handed him back to me after 9 hours - NINE LOUSY hours. THen she said "There is really something wrong with him." 00000hhhhhh you don't say. (jeeez louise thanks for the observation) </p><p> </p><p>As far as being jealous? Meh....(shrug & hard exhale) I think it took a long time in my life for me to see what that one commanment meant - Thou shalt not covet - I mean even with the hand I was dealt with my difficult child - (and I had 2 most days as we adopted our sons best friend) I think - Hmmm how absolutely tough have I become as a woman? First to have someone give me this kid and then believe or KNOW that I could be his Mother. Not a perfect Mom - just the best one I knew how. I mean most parents are proud when their kids get a job - I bet you were BEYOND ELATED.....remember that high? Yeah - see most people with normal or well behaved kids - don't get to appreciate the small things - we tend to think we've missed all the big things - and granted if you let it - it can make you feel like you've been cheated out of a life-time full of normal things. But your thinking now should be - LOOK at what my son has overcome....LOOK what I overcame as a Mother - (twice over) I mean - WOW - Do you have ANY idea how hard you work every day? Do you have ANY IDEA that you're doing the job of 2 parents all on your own and doing a good job too - Your son was IN high school - he had a job - he may still go to college - you're not Miss Cleo - so you can't predict if he's going to be a homeless bum or senator. The future is theirs - literally - and you have to be able to step back, find praise for the things that you DID do well - and there are many many of them I am sure, and say "Okay boys - You are 18, I'm done. I'm not done being your Mother, but I am done being your Mommy. And start to find things to live for ------for you. Stop pushing a log up a mud hill - Get yourself a hobby, get yourself a counselor and YOU GO. Learn how to say no, set boundaries and not be a door mat - EVEN not for your boys. It's okay to say no - they'll come back but you need to draw the line and stick to your guns. It's not easy - tough love isn't called - easy peazy sissy wissy love - it's called TOUGH LOVE as in - THIS IS GOING TO BE DIFFICULT - and probably more difficult for you (another thing that feels like you're getting cheated out of at first) but when you start to figure out that you HAVE a life beyond your sons? It's wonderful. It is liberating - It's like calorie free cookies - that don't go to your hiney. </p><p> </p><p>Writing is a very good cathartic thing to do. You can type out your life with yourself, marriage, divorce, boys - the good the bad - and just keep a journal of going back through your life - and when you remember the good things - highlight them on the computer and save that page - leave it and then go back a week or so later and re-read what you wrote. It will be a revelation into how good of a Mom you tried to be - you did your best -and you are writing this for you. </p><p> </p><p>Coming here and telling me you want to cry about your sons? I get it......I really, really do. Detachment 101 is on the horizon for you and we'll help. You just have to understand that I'm not just saying these things to make you feel better.....they are fact. YOU ARE A GOOD MOM. DANG GOOD MOM. You're the Mom of two boys who have issues -----and because of it you have your own issues - so you need a therapist to talk to so you can sift through all this "I hate my life" garbage and start living again. </p><p> </p><p>Really - Really - Promise. </p><p>Hugs & Welcome </p><p>Star</p><p>Oh and FYI - there's nothing wrong with feeling sorry for yourself either - but don't dwell on things that you think I should - remember that is no longer a word in your vocabulary.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 363648, member: 4964"] Doddlin - If it makes you feel any better - you have an extended family here. (I know some of us are a little odd. - that's Odd not ODD) But we're a really good group of people that I'm sure you couldn't type something about what your kid has done and someone here would say - "OH ME TOO." I raised what I would consider one of the worst behaved boys anyone has ever met. I have a certificate to prove it - (no I'm serious). So take into consideration that you are now NOT alone. Believe me if you do something um....."odd" and post it here or you do something that will ultimately lead you to complete parental failure? You'll get responses - not mean, not ugly - just HEY you know that doesn't work right? Or sometimes if you really do a no no - you can get spanked, by others - lol. Verbally - verbally! Then if you're really bad? You get sent to the corner (You'll be in good company though I'm there a lot) :raspberry-tounge: First of all - I read the lower part of your response where you say you felt like a failure. Gotta ask - WHEN you were making decisions for your boys how did you make those decisions? I mean think back about something that you consider a bad time - (got it?) okay now ------ask yourself 1.) Did I make that decision based on KNOWING the outcome would or could be the worst possible outcome? 2.) Did I make that decision solely for MY benefit, to profit from or gain something out of it for yourself? or 3.) Did I make the best decision I could at the time, based on the experiences I had, and the knowledge I possessed for the best possible outcome for my kids and not necessarily myself? Most people when asked will answer #3. BUT -----they will still say I should have or I wish I would have or I'm a failure or I'm a looser parent. So I have to say - SHOULD is a word you need to erase from your vocabulary - Ever time you catch yourself thinking I SHOULD HAVE with my 2 sons - you should just smack your hand or stop yourself. Why? Because you made the best choice you could based on what you knew for the best outcome. Do we yell? Sure - live with a difficult child for 19 years and see if you don't go bald, have red eyes, look like rudolph, think you need to take stock in Kleenex and chloraseptic for a hoarse voice. Not to mention feeling like you are tied up in knots about 99% of your life because 1.) It's not fun to live with someone who has any kind of disorder.....and 2) It wears on you and even though you did the best you could - there is always room for improvement. ----The second half of that #2 - you already have accomplished by coming here and seeking out help and going to Families annonymous. So you cried? Big whoop. Sweet potatoes - have any "normal" person live with a difficult child for a week and see how fast they return them. Of course EVERYONE that does not live with one is an expert - your friends (if you have any left) ----and personally I thank my son for cutting the real ones from the herd - Know what I mean?? I need friends that are going to say "I understand - what do you need me to do? - Can I take him for an afternoon so you can get some peace and rest?" Yeah - all my friends wanted to do was tell ME how I "SHOULD" do this or that. The only one I cut my son loose on who has raised THREE perfect children - handed him back to me after 9 hours - NINE LOUSY hours. THen she said "There is really something wrong with him." 00000hhhhhh you don't say. (jeeez louise thanks for the observation) As far as being jealous? Meh....(shrug & hard exhale) I think it took a long time in my life for me to see what that one commanment meant - Thou shalt not covet - I mean even with the hand I was dealt with my difficult child - (and I had 2 most days as we adopted our sons best friend) I think - Hmmm how absolutely tough have I become as a woman? First to have someone give me this kid and then believe or KNOW that I could be his Mother. Not a perfect Mom - just the best one I knew how. I mean most parents are proud when their kids get a job - I bet you were BEYOND ELATED.....remember that high? Yeah - see most people with normal or well behaved kids - don't get to appreciate the small things - we tend to think we've missed all the big things - and granted if you let it - it can make you feel like you've been cheated out of a life-time full of normal things. But your thinking now should be - LOOK at what my son has overcome....LOOK what I overcame as a Mother - (twice over) I mean - WOW - Do you have ANY idea how hard you work every day? Do you have ANY IDEA that you're doing the job of 2 parents all on your own and doing a good job too - Your son was IN high school - he had a job - he may still go to college - you're not Miss Cleo - so you can't predict if he's going to be a homeless bum or senator. The future is theirs - literally - and you have to be able to step back, find praise for the things that you DID do well - and there are many many of them I am sure, and say "Okay boys - You are 18, I'm done. I'm not done being your Mother, but I am done being your Mommy. And start to find things to live for ------for you. Stop pushing a log up a mud hill - Get yourself a hobby, get yourself a counselor and YOU GO. Learn how to say no, set boundaries and not be a door mat - EVEN not for your boys. It's okay to say no - they'll come back but you need to draw the line and stick to your guns. It's not easy - tough love isn't called - easy peazy sissy wissy love - it's called TOUGH LOVE as in - THIS IS GOING TO BE DIFFICULT - and probably more difficult for you (another thing that feels like you're getting cheated out of at first) but when you start to figure out that you HAVE a life beyond your sons? It's wonderful. It is liberating - It's like calorie free cookies - that don't go to your hiney. Writing is a very good cathartic thing to do. You can type out your life with yourself, marriage, divorce, boys - the good the bad - and just keep a journal of going back through your life - and when you remember the good things - highlight them on the computer and save that page - leave it and then go back a week or so later and re-read what you wrote. It will be a revelation into how good of a Mom you tried to be - you did your best -and you are writing this for you. Coming here and telling me you want to cry about your sons? I get it......I really, really do. Detachment 101 is on the horizon for you and we'll help. You just have to understand that I'm not just saying these things to make you feel better.....they are fact. YOU ARE A GOOD MOM. DANG GOOD MOM. You're the Mom of two boys who have issues -----and because of it you have your own issues - so you need a therapist to talk to so you can sift through all this "I hate my life" garbage and start living again. Really - Really - Promise. Hugs & Welcome Star Oh and FYI - there's nothing wrong with feeling sorry for yourself either - but don't dwell on things that you think I should - remember that is no longer a word in your vocabulary. [/QUOTE]
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