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Parent Emeritus
New here, seeking a "candle in the darkness"
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<blockquote data-quote="emotionallybankrupt" data-source="post: 317931" data-attributes="member: 8226"><p>Hey, Lightseeker. I'm a single mom too, and it is a lonely feeling, having given your "all" to parent in a responsible way, willing to do anything to help your child, but so exhausted when nothing seems to be working, and then to have others who have never " been there" assume that if your situation is that out of control it must somehow be your fault.</p><p> </p><p>I too have felt ashamed regarding difficult child's behavior, although I know it makes no logical sense. I am not the one behaving so horribly (most of the time at least....<img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/angel.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":angel:" title="angel :angel:" data-shortname=":angel:" /></p><p>When my difficult child was hospitalized for an unrelated medical issue, I even had a head nurse on the floor going on and on about how horribly difficult child was treating the whole staff, how she had a "mouth" on her like none she'd ever heard, and when I said (mistake), "I'm so sorry. I didn't teach her that way. I'm embarrassed by all this," the response was a huffy, "Well you SHOULD be embarrassed." When I related this to the psychiatrist and staff, they were very supportive and validating, not believing I was spoken to in this way, but again it goes to show how those who have never seen it, never lived it, "don't get it." I even had a counselor suggest to me once that the problems were maybe due to a "lack of nurture" on my part. That was the last visit I made to that counselor--intelligent but young and inexperienced...new mom with a child less than a year old. Yeah, she has no idea what COULD be ahead of her when that sweet little bundle gets older.</p><p> </p><p>As for your "fault" in the matter, I've resolved it this way: I know I have and continue to make mistakes like all parents do, but I also know in my heart that I have done my best with the hand I was dealt. Not all parents can make that statement honestly. Many parents who are truly neglectful and irresponsible never deal with 1/2 the problems I have regarding my child. The behaviors are so far "over the top" that even with tons of mistakes, I couldn't have POSSIBLY done THIS much damage. In that way, it's almost a release that the misbehavior isn't lower level. I'd be much more confused in that case about whether I might have caused it in some way.</p><p> </p><p>It's tiring to have to go to work in the midst of it all, knowing that if you don't the whole household would collapse with no financial support. I remember one surreal morning of talking difficult child out of a knife before calmly walking out the door to go to work (yes, thanks to my own medication, prescribed to help me cope). If I'd taken the day off every time she got out of control I wouldn't have a job. I look forward to hearing more of your story. You really aren't the only one dealing with this kind of stress, but it sure can feel that way when you're surrounded by Mayberry parents.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="emotionallybankrupt, post: 317931, member: 8226"] Hey, Lightseeker. I'm a single mom too, and it is a lonely feeling, having given your "all" to parent in a responsible way, willing to do anything to help your child, but so exhausted when nothing seems to be working, and then to have others who have never " been there" assume that if your situation is that out of control it must somehow be your fault. I too have felt ashamed regarding difficult child's behavior, although I know it makes no logical sense. I am not the one behaving so horribly (most of the time at least....:angel: When my difficult child was hospitalized for an unrelated medical issue, I even had a head nurse on the floor going on and on about how horribly difficult child was treating the whole staff, how she had a "mouth" on her like none she'd ever heard, and when I said (mistake), "I'm so sorry. I didn't teach her that way. I'm embarrassed by all this," the response was a huffy, "Well you SHOULD be embarrassed." When I related this to the psychiatrist and staff, they were very supportive and validating, not believing I was spoken to in this way, but again it goes to show how those who have never seen it, never lived it, "don't get it." I even had a counselor suggest to me once that the problems were maybe due to a "lack of nurture" on my part. That was the last visit I made to that counselor--intelligent but young and inexperienced...new mom with a child less than a year old. Yeah, she has no idea what COULD be ahead of her when that sweet little bundle gets older. As for your "fault" in the matter, I've resolved it this way: I know I have and continue to make mistakes like all parents do, but I also know in my heart that I have done my best with the hand I was dealt. Not all parents can make that statement honestly. Many parents who are truly neglectful and irresponsible never deal with 1/2 the problems I have regarding my child. The behaviors are so far "over the top" that even with tons of mistakes, I couldn't have POSSIBLY done THIS much damage. In that way, it's almost a release that the misbehavior isn't lower level. I'd be much more confused in that case about whether I might have caused it in some way. It's tiring to have to go to work in the midst of it all, knowing that if you don't the whole household would collapse with no financial support. I remember one surreal morning of talking difficult child out of a knife before calmly walking out the door to go to work (yes, thanks to my own medication, prescribed to help me cope). If I'd taken the day off every time she got out of control I wouldn't have a job. I look forward to hearing more of your story. You really aren't the only one dealing with this kind of stress, but it sure can feel that way when you're surrounded by Mayberry parents. [/QUOTE]
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