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new here, seeking advice on adult daughter with probable personality disorder
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<blockquote data-quote="PTSDmama" data-source="post: 582056" data-attributes="member: 16002"><p>thank you for the responses and welcomes. knowing there are others who understand this and have lived this is both calming and humbling. i'm sorry others have gone through this sort of thing, whether as parent or child or both, but i am so, so, so glad you're here.</p><p></p><p>dialectal behavioral therapy - i am definitely interested in learning more about this. for the way my child's mind works, suggesting something specific like that goes over better than a vague, "go get therapy."</p><p></p><p>@MidwestMom - my exhusband used to joke, "there's any easy way to tell your daughter is lying: her lips are moving." and sadly, there was and is a lot of truth to that statement. my daughter is a manipulator, laser-focused on getting what she wants and doesn't have any real internal barometer regarding ethics. she lies without batting an eyelash, and if it's a good lie, if she gets good (for her) responses, that lie becomes an unmoving, unquestioned truth in her world.</p><p></p><p>the fantasy land part is her construct of ideals and expectations. it's not simply about her seeing the world through rose-colored glasses and being disappointed. her fantasy world contains fantasy characters who do her bidding, behave to her specifications, focus on her and nothing but her. a mother behaves like THIS; a father behaves like THIS; a husband behaves like THIS, etc. anyone who does not live up to her fantasy world construct is subject to a great deal of unpleasantness - insults, screaming, accusations, threats. a common response from family and her husband is, "i've done everything she wanted me to do - what more does she want?" and the only answer, really, is MORE. she is never, ever satisfied no matter how much is done for her. and that started when she was really young - that desire to be the center of attention and to always want more no matter how much is given has been in her since birth. she was literally "born that way."</p><p></p><p>i do detach. i have to. she is mentally and emotionally vampiric. i don't want her gone from my life. i love her and and my grandsons with all my heart. but i can't deny feeling some relief that we're not talking right now. it's a respite from the demands and insults and drama and upheaval. it's a chance to try and heal a little. i'm tired. so tired. and so sad. i didn't win the biofamily lottery, and i'd really hoped for a better relationship with my only child. but it's not to be without some big changes. thank god for my non-blood family - they are my sanity.</p><p></p><p>@Hound dog - i do think schizophrenia, or something akin to it, was one of the six diagnoses we got when she was a teenager. that was such a confusing time - no one knew what to do with her and no two "professionals" could really agree on what was wrong. i lean toward the personality disorders because it was the most common diagnosis and they do address a lot of her behaviors, but i certainly don't know anything for sure. and of course, as long as she avoids going to get help we won't know at all.</p><p></p><p>and while i completely agree with you about refusing to walk on eggshells, it's often hard for me to avoid it. my daughter gives me no margin of error. i have abuse PTSD courtesy of my parents and brother, and from my daughter i get a mental and emotional minefield. could a situation be more ridiculous? but i wind up trying to tread lightly and be careful around her. it doesn't work for the long haul, of course. i stepped on a landmine a few weeks ago and she blew up and refuses to talk to me. i wind up using that "down time" to cry and shake and try to force bad thoughts and memories away.</p><p></p><p>i would avoid her altogether - only child or not, mother of my grandsons or not - except that the only thing worse than having her in my life is not having her in my life. and i know she feels the same way. as long as there's any hope of a relationship i won't give up. what i wish is that she'll get help on her own and will eventually remove the eggshells and landmines herself.</p><p></p><p>thank you again for the responses. just this little bit of posting and interaction makes things feel a little less hopeless. thank you so much for that. <3</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="PTSDmama, post: 582056, member: 16002"] thank you for the responses and welcomes. knowing there are others who understand this and have lived this is both calming and humbling. i'm sorry others have gone through this sort of thing, whether as parent or child or both, but i am so, so, so glad you're here. dialectal behavioral therapy - i am definitely interested in learning more about this. for the way my child's mind works, suggesting something specific like that goes over better than a vague, "go get therapy." @MidwestMom - my exhusband used to joke, "there's any easy way to tell your daughter is lying: her lips are moving." and sadly, there was and is a lot of truth to that statement. my daughter is a manipulator, laser-focused on getting what she wants and doesn't have any real internal barometer regarding ethics. she lies without batting an eyelash, and if it's a good lie, if she gets good (for her) responses, that lie becomes an unmoving, unquestioned truth in her world. the fantasy land part is her construct of ideals and expectations. it's not simply about her seeing the world through rose-colored glasses and being disappointed. her fantasy world contains fantasy characters who do her bidding, behave to her specifications, focus on her and nothing but her. a mother behaves like THIS; a father behaves like THIS; a husband behaves like THIS, etc. anyone who does not live up to her fantasy world construct is subject to a great deal of unpleasantness - insults, screaming, accusations, threats. a common response from family and her husband is, "i've done everything she wanted me to do - what more does she want?" and the only answer, really, is MORE. she is never, ever satisfied no matter how much is done for her. and that started when she was really young - that desire to be the center of attention and to always want more no matter how much is given has been in her since birth. she was literally "born that way." i do detach. i have to. she is mentally and emotionally vampiric. i don't want her gone from my life. i love her and and my grandsons with all my heart. but i can't deny feeling some relief that we're not talking right now. it's a respite from the demands and insults and drama and upheaval. it's a chance to try and heal a little. i'm tired. so tired. and so sad. i didn't win the biofamily lottery, and i'd really hoped for a better relationship with my only child. but it's not to be without some big changes. thank god for my non-blood family - they are my sanity. @Hound dog - i do think schizophrenia, or something akin to it, was one of the six diagnoses we got when she was a teenager. that was such a confusing time - no one knew what to do with her and no two "professionals" could really agree on what was wrong. i lean toward the personality disorders because it was the most common diagnosis and they do address a lot of her behaviors, but i certainly don't know anything for sure. and of course, as long as she avoids going to get help we won't know at all. and while i completely agree with you about refusing to walk on eggshells, it's often hard for me to avoid it. my daughter gives me no margin of error. i have abuse PTSD courtesy of my parents and brother, and from my daughter i get a mental and emotional minefield. could a situation be more ridiculous? but i wind up trying to tread lightly and be careful around her. it doesn't work for the long haul, of course. i stepped on a landmine a few weeks ago and she blew up and refuses to talk to me. i wind up using that "down time" to cry and shake and try to force bad thoughts and memories away. i would avoid her altogether - only child or not, mother of my grandsons or not - except that the only thing worse than having her in my life is not having her in my life. and i know she feels the same way. as long as there's any hope of a relationship i won't give up. what i wish is that she'll get help on her own and will eventually remove the eggshells and landmines herself. thank you again for the responses. just this little bit of posting and interaction makes things feel a little less hopeless. thank you so much for that. <3 [/QUOTE]
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