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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 608681" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Hi there and welcome to our little soft place to land, but so sorry that you have to come here. I am going to give you my opinion. That's all we can do. First of all, I recommend taking him to a neuropsychologist as it seems as if he has always been differently wired. Secondly, there is a hereditary factor in here. He is 50% his biological father's DNA so he did inherit some of his bio. dads personality and good/bad traits, even if he never sees him and if your house is stable. Plus sounds like he may have been abused. by the way, if he does see his father, there is nothing you can do to force him to be what you consider a "good"parent. Legally he will not lose custody because he doesn't make your son brush his teeth or because he lets him watch Mortal Kombat. You may get somewhere with the hitting him since he's already come to the attention of CPS and social workers tend to frown on spanking, as do many of us here.</p><p></p><p>My son is going through a custody battle now and I've learned that it is very hard to tell another parent what to do if it's the small stuff, like teeth brushing and what he thinks is ok for the child to watch (unless it is porn and then you have to prove it)...the system is very strange. I wouldn't think your son is that way over those issues. It can't HELP, but he has deeper issues than that. His behavior is "over the top" as we say. Does he not like his stepfather?</p><p></p><p>Personally, if this were me, I'd forget about treating ODD. More about that later.</p><p></p><p>Your son was probably born with some differences AND made worse by the chaos of hi s early years. He could have attachment disorder or a milder form of it. Child who have had chaotic years ages infancy-three often develop an inability to attach and/or insecure attachment. This causes them to think only of themselves because they do not trust other people to be there to meet their needs and their behavior is usually very, VERY defiant and violence is commong. So is, what is called "crazy lying." That is lying that is done EVEN when they are caught doing something. It's bizarre, really. I lived with a child who had attachment disorder. More later. </p><p></p><p>Your parenting style has nothing to do with it. These kids need a lot of help in order to change...usually specialists in attachment therapy. Am I sure he has this? No. He could have autistic spectrum, a mood disorder, anything else he bio. father is carrying around....something totally unrelated, but something is "off" and you need to find out what it is so that you can help him. ODD is a very unhelpful diagnosis because it doesn't tell why the child is defiant so most of us here on the board don't pay much attention to that label. It is sort of a garbage diagnosis meaning "Kid doesn't listen, don't know why." It isn't treatable on it's own and rarely stands alone. This is what I'd do:</p><p></p><p>I'd set up a total evaluation with a neuropsychologist first and foremost (this is if you live in the US...other countries have other ways of diagnosing). This will be a 6-10 hour comprehensive evaluation covering everything. You will have a lot more knowledge once it is done and you will get suggestions on which way to go by the neuropsychologist. A good neuropsychologist is able to spot things other diagnosticians normally miss or just call ODD or ADHD...beware of therapists and social workers trying to diagnose or trying to do it yourself. Hon, it's better to let an unbiased observer, who isn't so emotionally involved, diagnose and treat your child. School will probably get involved too, BUT don't let the school test him first. They usually have inadequate testing. </p><p></p><p>Normal parenting does not work with our differently wired kids. They tend not to respond to charts, rewards/punishments/ time outs, etc. We have to find out the cause of the problem and get creative in our parenting. You may want to read "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. While it is not a cure-all it is a great way to find more peace in your house while you are trying to get to the root of the problem and treat it. </p><p></p><p>Ok. I'm n Occupational Therapist (OT) bashing ya here, hon. I like you. But it's not good that you are not bonded to your stepson. You may want to get into therapy so that you can bond with him more. He needs you to love him. That is more important if he doesn't have a good relationship with his own mother. </p><p></p><p>Keep your wild child away from both his sister and the dog and never leave him alone with them unsupervised. Kids who have attachment disorder are lethal to younger kids and animals. We adopted a child with attachment disorder and he killed two dogs and hurt our younger kids. I know you aren't sure what he has now, but he has proven to be dangerous to your daughter and your dog. Rehome the dog if you have to and never let him out of your sight when he is with your daughter. </p><p></p><p>There are three big signs to look for in antisocial behavior in little kids (yes, attachment disordered kids CAN show red flags for this): peeing and pooping inappropriately and/or in odd places, cruelty to animals, and a fascination with fire. If he has all three symptoms take him in ASAP. If he doesn't, please just watch him and get him scheduled to be evaluated. In such a young child, this tendency can be reversed, but you CAN'T ignore it or entrust it to just a talk therapist. </p><p></p><p>This isn't your fault. You could not control your entire environment or what your child may have inherited from Husband #2. Don't feel guilty. But help your son and, in the end, you will help your entire family. In the meantime, be sure to take care of yourself too and love yourself and be good to yourself. Have your husband give you breaks so you can go out with the girls or take a quiet walk.</p><p></p><p>Hugs and glad you found us. Others will check in.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 608681, member: 1550"] Hi there and welcome to our little soft place to land, but so sorry that you have to come here. I am going to give you my opinion. That's all we can do. First of all, I recommend taking him to a neuropsychologist as it seems as if he has always been differently wired. Secondly, there is a hereditary factor in here. He is 50% his biological father's DNA so he did inherit some of his bio. dads personality and good/bad traits, even if he never sees him and if your house is stable. Plus sounds like he may have been abused. by the way, if he does see his father, there is nothing you can do to force him to be what you consider a "good"parent. Legally he will not lose custody because he doesn't make your son brush his teeth or because he lets him watch Mortal Kombat. You may get somewhere with the hitting him since he's already come to the attention of CPS and social workers tend to frown on spanking, as do many of us here. My son is going through a custody battle now and I've learned that it is very hard to tell another parent what to do if it's the small stuff, like teeth brushing and what he thinks is ok for the child to watch (unless it is porn and then you have to prove it)...the system is very strange. I wouldn't think your son is that way over those issues. It can't HELP, but he has deeper issues than that. His behavior is "over the top" as we say. Does he not like his stepfather? Personally, if this were me, I'd forget about treating ODD. More about that later. Your son was probably born with some differences AND made worse by the chaos of hi s early years. He could have attachment disorder or a milder form of it. Child who have had chaotic years ages infancy-three often develop an inability to attach and/or insecure attachment. This causes them to think only of themselves because they do not trust other people to be there to meet their needs and their behavior is usually very, VERY defiant and violence is commong. So is, what is called "crazy lying." That is lying that is done EVEN when they are caught doing something. It's bizarre, really. I lived with a child who had attachment disorder. More later. Your parenting style has nothing to do with it. These kids need a lot of help in order to change...usually specialists in attachment therapy. Am I sure he has this? No. He could have autistic spectrum, a mood disorder, anything else he bio. father is carrying around....something totally unrelated, but something is "off" and you need to find out what it is so that you can help him. ODD is a very unhelpful diagnosis because it doesn't tell why the child is defiant so most of us here on the board don't pay much attention to that label. It is sort of a garbage diagnosis meaning "Kid doesn't listen, don't know why." It isn't treatable on it's own and rarely stands alone. This is what I'd do: I'd set up a total evaluation with a neuropsychologist first and foremost (this is if you live in the US...other countries have other ways of diagnosing). This will be a 6-10 hour comprehensive evaluation covering everything. You will have a lot more knowledge once it is done and you will get suggestions on which way to go by the neuropsychologist. A good neuropsychologist is able to spot things other diagnosticians normally miss or just call ODD or ADHD...beware of therapists and social workers trying to diagnose or trying to do it yourself. Hon, it's better to let an unbiased observer, who isn't so emotionally involved, diagnose and treat your child. School will probably get involved too, BUT don't let the school test him first. They usually have inadequate testing. Normal parenting does not work with our differently wired kids. They tend not to respond to charts, rewards/punishments/ time outs, etc. We have to find out the cause of the problem and get creative in our parenting. You may want to read "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. While it is not a cure-all it is a great way to find more peace in your house while you are trying to get to the root of the problem and treat it. Ok. I'm n Occupational Therapist (OT) bashing ya here, hon. I like you. But it's not good that you are not bonded to your stepson. You may want to get into therapy so that you can bond with him more. He needs you to love him. That is more important if he doesn't have a good relationship with his own mother. Keep your wild child away from both his sister and the dog and never leave him alone with them unsupervised. Kids who have attachment disorder are lethal to younger kids and animals. We adopted a child with attachment disorder and he killed two dogs and hurt our younger kids. I know you aren't sure what he has now, but he has proven to be dangerous to your daughter and your dog. Rehome the dog if you have to and never let him out of your sight when he is with your daughter. There are three big signs to look for in antisocial behavior in little kids (yes, attachment disordered kids CAN show red flags for this): peeing and pooping inappropriately and/or in odd places, cruelty to animals, and a fascination with fire. If he has all three symptoms take him in ASAP. If he doesn't, please just watch him and get him scheduled to be evaluated. In such a young child, this tendency can be reversed, but you CAN'T ignore it or entrust it to just a talk therapist. This isn't your fault. You could not control your entire environment or what your child may have inherited from Husband #2. Don't feel guilty. But help your son and, in the end, you will help your entire family. In the meantime, be sure to take care of yourself too and love yourself and be good to yourself. Have your husband give you breaks so you can go out with the girls or take a quiet walk. Hugs and glad you found us. Others will check in. [/QUOTE]
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