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New here - suspect Aspergers in son
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 351153" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I'm not sure how we're going for time, my computer's been down and I've only just come back to the site.</p><p></p><p>But something you can take with you, to speed up your process of trying to list things - go to <a href="http://www.childbrain.com" target="_blank">www.childbrain.com</a> and do the online Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) questionnaire. You can't use it to self-diagnose, but you can print out the results whatever score you get, and take it to the doctor. It is a good way of asking you questions about things you might not have even considered.</p><p></p><p>The depression you see could be familial, or it could be directly connected to the huge strain of living with something like Asperger's. I know I've seen depression in all three of my younger kids. difficult child 1 & easy child 2/difficult child 2 were also both cutters, so far difficult child 3 is not but he picks at his skin a lot.</p><p></p><p>Your depression - has anyone really studied you to see why you have the problem? Sometimes depression just IS, and as a result sometimes therapists don't actually look too hard, if they can't find a fast, obvious cause. But Asperger's is also familial and it is especially difficult to diagnose in girls. Also, attitudes and diagnostic criteria have opened up in recent years, so what chance is there that you have some Asperger's traits yourself?</p><p></p><p>We have good friends at church, we get on very well with the family (not surprising, really - Aspies tend to find other Aspies as friends). I think they are such good friends with us, because they have never been judgmental about our kids when others were. And why did they understand so well? I think because at some level, they felt a connection, some sort of similarity.</p><p>The father in this family is a little older than husband & I but is increasingly getting caught up with self-diagnosing Asperger's. There does not seem to be sufficient Aspie traits in the daughters or the mother for a diagnosis, but all are exceptionally bright (also connected) and there are a few odd traits in them too. The older daughter has been good friends with difficult child 1 & easy child 2/difficult child 2; the younger one was a classmate of difficult child 3 when he was in mainstream.</p><p>Every time I see this bloke, he is telling me about some new Aspie trait he has finally recognised as being Aspie. The latest one is a sensory problem - he can't stand being around other people eating or drinking because he can't stand hearing the noises other people make. I've noticed at church when everybody else is having a cup of coffee or lunch, this bloke is inside doing the bookwork. We never realised he was avoiding us all deliberately, because he will come and talk after coffee or after lunch, when people are just chatting. </p><p></p><p>husband has his own Aspie traits too. We live with it, there's probably no point for us in chasing this up further (same with our friend) because as you grow up with this, you adapt. With or without a diagnosis. And if your son has depression now, that is something he has a better chance of learning to live with, than if he had a happy and carefree childhood then suddenly WHAMMO got hit with depression in his teen years. It's not "you don't miss what you never had" because he will have his happy moments. But you learn to cope with the stuff you have had to live with the longest.</p><p></p><p>Of course this doesn't mean you don't try to help him. The more you can help him, the better he will be able to adapt and cope.</p><p></p><p>I can look back on my own childhood and freely tell you, I was miserable. Looking back, I probably had depression. I certainly had a lot of stress. A lot of pressure. My stomach was constantly in knots. And because I was a child, I thought it was like this for all kids. I would hear adults say things like "Youth is wasted on the young" and "Kids don't appreciate how good they have it, I wish I could go back to the carefree days of youth," and at first I would think, "If this is carefree, then what the H is going to hit me when I am an adult?"</p><p>Then I thought, "I know I am miserable. There are some aspects to childhood that I value, and one of those things I value is my understanding of other children. I never want to lose that. What is it that happens to adults, that makes them so insensitive to kids? I never want to be like that."</p><p>I made a conscious decision to not lose my connection to childhood, even though I was unhappy.</p><p></p><p>And you know what? I discovered that a childhood attitude can be enjoyed in adulthood. I've been happier as an adult, because I adapted. I still had a lot of the same stresses, plus a few different ones, but I WAS IN CONTROL.</p><p></p><p>A lot of the depression and stress in Aspies, is lack of control. Not being able to understand the social rules is also a big part of this frustration at lack of control.</p><p></p><p>From your descriptions, your son could have a number of problems. But it does seem to me tat a lot of his behaviours can be explained by his desperate need to have some control over what is happening to him and around him. That control will come with understanding, and really it is understanding he wants and needs and can't have so readily because he lacks the social skills to comprehend.</p><p></p><p>So to help him, work on the social skills. Use social stories to help him, role-play stuff with him to help him practice how to behave. Read "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene to help you understand a different and more productive way of helping him, given the problems you describe. And also help him by letting him have control where it doesn't matter so much to you. For example, if he wants to run out into the snow and you know making him come back to put on a coat will cause a rage - then don't. It will be cold outside, just wait by the door with his coat and hand it to him when he comes back. Or instead of standing in his path saying, "Put on your coat before you go out to play," you ask, "Do you want your blue coat or your red coat?" This way he has been presented with choice. And you both win, because it doesn't matter what colour, he IS wearing his coat!</p><p></p><p>Some planning ahead is needed as well as a group strategy. You need all those interacting with him at home to be on the same page as you. If any adults are still in the "because I said so" mode, they will find that he will focus all his anger and frustration on them. So it is in their interests to work with you on this.</p><p></p><p>Good luck with the appointment. Once you have a diagnosis, you can begin to get help for him at school, in practical ways. Get a report in writing form the doctor and get it scanned to your computer. That way you will always be able to access a copy.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 351153, member: 1991"] I'm not sure how we're going for time, my computer's been down and I've only just come back to the site. But something you can take with you, to speed up your process of trying to list things - go to [url]www.childbrain.com[/url] and do the online Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) questionnaire. You can't use it to self-diagnose, but you can print out the results whatever score you get, and take it to the doctor. It is a good way of asking you questions about things you might not have even considered. The depression you see could be familial, or it could be directly connected to the huge strain of living with something like Asperger's. I know I've seen depression in all three of my younger kids. difficult child 1 & easy child 2/difficult child 2 were also both cutters, so far difficult child 3 is not but he picks at his skin a lot. Your depression - has anyone really studied you to see why you have the problem? Sometimes depression just IS, and as a result sometimes therapists don't actually look too hard, if they can't find a fast, obvious cause. But Asperger's is also familial and it is especially difficult to diagnose in girls. Also, attitudes and diagnostic criteria have opened up in recent years, so what chance is there that you have some Asperger's traits yourself? We have good friends at church, we get on very well with the family (not surprising, really - Aspies tend to find other Aspies as friends). I think they are such good friends with us, because they have never been judgmental about our kids when others were. And why did they understand so well? I think because at some level, they felt a connection, some sort of similarity. The father in this family is a little older than husband & I but is increasingly getting caught up with self-diagnosing Asperger's. There does not seem to be sufficient Aspie traits in the daughters or the mother for a diagnosis, but all are exceptionally bright (also connected) and there are a few odd traits in them too. The older daughter has been good friends with difficult child 1 & easy child 2/difficult child 2; the younger one was a classmate of difficult child 3 when he was in mainstream. Every time I see this bloke, he is telling me about some new Aspie trait he has finally recognised as being Aspie. The latest one is a sensory problem - he can't stand being around other people eating or drinking because he can't stand hearing the noises other people make. I've noticed at church when everybody else is having a cup of coffee or lunch, this bloke is inside doing the bookwork. We never realised he was avoiding us all deliberately, because he will come and talk after coffee or after lunch, when people are just chatting. husband has his own Aspie traits too. We live with it, there's probably no point for us in chasing this up further (same with our friend) because as you grow up with this, you adapt. With or without a diagnosis. And if your son has depression now, that is something he has a better chance of learning to live with, than if he had a happy and carefree childhood then suddenly WHAMMO got hit with depression in his teen years. It's not "you don't miss what you never had" because he will have his happy moments. But you learn to cope with the stuff you have had to live with the longest. Of course this doesn't mean you don't try to help him. The more you can help him, the better he will be able to adapt and cope. I can look back on my own childhood and freely tell you, I was miserable. Looking back, I probably had depression. I certainly had a lot of stress. A lot of pressure. My stomach was constantly in knots. And because I was a child, I thought it was like this for all kids. I would hear adults say things like "Youth is wasted on the young" and "Kids don't appreciate how good they have it, I wish I could go back to the carefree days of youth," and at first I would think, "If this is carefree, then what the H is going to hit me when I am an adult?" Then I thought, "I know I am miserable. There are some aspects to childhood that I value, and one of those things I value is my understanding of other children. I never want to lose that. What is it that happens to adults, that makes them so insensitive to kids? I never want to be like that." I made a conscious decision to not lose my connection to childhood, even though I was unhappy. And you know what? I discovered that a childhood attitude can be enjoyed in adulthood. I've been happier as an adult, because I adapted. I still had a lot of the same stresses, plus a few different ones, but I WAS IN CONTROL. A lot of the depression and stress in Aspies, is lack of control. Not being able to understand the social rules is also a big part of this frustration at lack of control. From your descriptions, your son could have a number of problems. But it does seem to me tat a lot of his behaviours can be explained by his desperate need to have some control over what is happening to him and around him. That control will come with understanding, and really it is understanding he wants and needs and can't have so readily because he lacks the social skills to comprehend. So to help him, work on the social skills. Use social stories to help him, role-play stuff with him to help him practice how to behave. Read "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene to help you understand a different and more productive way of helping him, given the problems you describe. And also help him by letting him have control where it doesn't matter so much to you. For example, if he wants to run out into the snow and you know making him come back to put on a coat will cause a rage - then don't. It will be cold outside, just wait by the door with his coat and hand it to him when he comes back. Or instead of standing in his path saying, "Put on your coat before you go out to play," you ask, "Do you want your blue coat or your red coat?" This way he has been presented with choice. And you both win, because it doesn't matter what colour, he IS wearing his coat! Some planning ahead is needed as well as a group strategy. You need all those interacting with him at home to be on the same page as you. If any adults are still in the "because I said so" mode, they will find that he will focus all his anger and frustration on them. So it is in their interests to work with you on this. Good luck with the appointment. Once you have a diagnosis, you can begin to get help for him at school, in practical ways. Get a report in writing form the doctor and get it scanned to your computer. That way you will always be able to access a copy. Marg [/QUOTE]
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