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New here. Thank goodness I've found a place where people understand.
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 633389" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>When a difficult child, usually an adult we raised who knows better, is told "no" they freak out to scare us into doing what they want. You are probably right about him having some antisocial traits. These are not nice men. My son has antisocial traits. He stole from us and ordered porn with his dad's credit card until he was out of my house first then ex's house. He did some "iffy" illegal things that I don't know specially what they were, but once he was afraid the FBI would come after him. My daughter says he abused her and what she told me is mindboggling. </p><p></p><p>Stealing is a staple of an adult child with antisocial personality disorder or traits of it AS IS DRUG USE. He could be using illegal substances as well. Both types lie a blue streak and if antisocial at all can not be considered safe to anyone. However, it is not anything you did. They just seem to be born lacking a normal conscience or a normal sense of right and wrong. They know right from wrong, but they don't care about it, feel entitled, and will take what they can in sneaky ways and, if that doesn't work, sometimes with violence. If you are afraid of him because you set a boundary, definitely get a restraining order against him, especially if he has been verbally or physically violent before or has defaced your property. We hate to do it. We have no choice. I sure would be nervous leaving him alone at your house if he is prone to destroying your property and is angry at you. Bad combination. </p><p></p><p>I don't know the circumstances of your son's birth, but very often a child inherits the personality of his parent...his father. Yes, even if he never met him, 50% of his genes reside inside your son and if his birthfather was a not-nice person, sadly, your son could have inherited part of his nastiness. My family tree is chock full of horrible people. I only had one biological child then adopted the rest. I was too afraid of passing along my DNA, but he still got a good chunk of my family's nastiness. </p><p></p><p>These difficult children do not believe they will ever suffer consequences. He more than likely expects you to be intimidated into giving him money again, even though he steals and probably uses illegal substances. They EXPECT to get their way. Their minds don't work like ours do. </p><p></p><p>If you can move away, that is probably best for you. He is a 21 year old man. He may be emotionally young, but he needs to grow up fast. In the eyes of the law he is still 21. He needs to get a job and swim or sink on his own. You are not his mommy anymore, giving him toys when he cries. You are his Mother and should have an adult to adult relationship with him, one in which you BOTH give and take, and I don't mean money. I mean emotionally. </p><p></p><p>Most of us on this site are figuring out how to live good lives in spite of our difficult children. Do join us. You may want to start out by reading the article on "Detachment" on the site. A good book is "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Another book you may find interesting is "Without Conscience" by Dr. Robert Hare (this definitely showed me that my son had antisocial and narcissistic traits). It made me understand what made him tick and how to deal with him from afar since he is two states away. </p><p></p><p>Hugs and I hope you can find some goodness in your world tonight. I'm sure there is goodness. Focus on that and take good care of YOU. Do what is best for YOU. Your children are grown. Let them go down their own life path. And you enjoy the rest of your life <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 633389, member: 1550"] When a difficult child, usually an adult we raised who knows better, is told "no" they freak out to scare us into doing what they want. You are probably right about him having some antisocial traits. These are not nice men. My son has antisocial traits. He stole from us and ordered porn with his dad's credit card until he was out of my house first then ex's house. He did some "iffy" illegal things that I don't know specially what they were, but once he was afraid the FBI would come after him. My daughter says he abused her and what she told me is mindboggling. Stealing is a staple of an adult child with antisocial personality disorder or traits of it AS IS DRUG USE. He could be using illegal substances as well. Both types lie a blue streak and if antisocial at all can not be considered safe to anyone. However, it is not anything you did. They just seem to be born lacking a normal conscience or a normal sense of right and wrong. They know right from wrong, but they don't care about it, feel entitled, and will take what they can in sneaky ways and, if that doesn't work, sometimes with violence. If you are afraid of him because you set a boundary, definitely get a restraining order against him, especially if he has been verbally or physically violent before or has defaced your property. We hate to do it. We have no choice. I sure would be nervous leaving him alone at your house if he is prone to destroying your property and is angry at you. Bad combination. I don't know the circumstances of your son's birth, but very often a child inherits the personality of his parent...his father. Yes, even if he never met him, 50% of his genes reside inside your son and if his birthfather was a not-nice person, sadly, your son could have inherited part of his nastiness. My family tree is chock full of horrible people. I only had one biological child then adopted the rest. I was too afraid of passing along my DNA, but he still got a good chunk of my family's nastiness. These difficult children do not believe they will ever suffer consequences. He more than likely expects you to be intimidated into giving him money again, even though he steals and probably uses illegal substances. They EXPECT to get their way. Their minds don't work like ours do. If you can move away, that is probably best for you. He is a 21 year old man. He may be emotionally young, but he needs to grow up fast. In the eyes of the law he is still 21. He needs to get a job and swim or sink on his own. You are not his mommy anymore, giving him toys when he cries. You are his Mother and should have an adult to adult relationship with him, one in which you BOTH give and take, and I don't mean money. I mean emotionally. Most of us on this site are figuring out how to live good lives in spite of our difficult children. Do join us. You may want to start out by reading the article on "Detachment" on the site. A good book is "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Another book you may find interesting is "Without Conscience" by Dr. Robert Hare (this definitely showed me that my son had antisocial and narcissistic traits). It made me understand what made him tick and how to deal with him from afar since he is two states away. Hugs and I hope you can find some goodness in your world tonight. I'm sure there is goodness. Focus on that and take good care of YOU. Do what is best for YOU. Your children are grown. Let them go down their own life path. And you enjoy the rest of your life :) [/QUOTE]
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