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New here. Thank goodness I've found a place where people understand.
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 633531" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Hi SM, and welcome. You have gotten great advice here, I'm just chiming in to support you. I know how hard this is, once you start on the road of detachment with love, and you "start stopping" all of the things you have been doing, which have been well-intentioned but haven't worked. And remember, it's not going to work. That is a hard lesson for us all to learn, believe me. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>You are 100 percent correct. Hang on to this truth. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yep. That's what they do. And like my SO says: "It took him a long time to walk into the forest. It's going to take a long time for him to walk out."</p><p></p><p>That means this: he's not going to stop doing what has worked a million times before...overnight. He will keep on doing it and doing it because you and I have taught them well. If they keep on, we will cave. So, now, that you are ready to start stopping, it's going to take a long time for him to get it. It took my difficult child at least two years to start understanding that: Things have changed. And from time to time, he still gives the old stuff a try again. Old habits are hard to break. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>My son stole from me, his dad, his dad's new wife, our neighbors, his employer, my sister and her husband---and that's just the people I know of. Can you imagine how much he has really stolen? That comes hand-in-hand with drug addiction. It's not personal. Don't take it personally. It is part of it. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yep. been there done that. Every single time he did this, I said, I will call the police. And I did. One time he barricaded himself in his dad's garage (dad gone to work), cut his wrists superficially, texted the picture of them to his girlfriend, who called me in hysterics. I called the police, called my ex-husband/his dad, got in the car, met the police at the garage, and talked him into opening the door. We all spent the day in the ER and he was sent to the state hospital for a week. I honestly don't believe he had any intention of killing himself. I don't think he ever has. The last time he threatened it---earlier this year---I drove to where he was, got out of the car, got in his face and said: You keep on saying these things, and I am calling the police. He backed down immediately. No more since that time. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>We all did. We did it for years, because we didn't know what else to do. We thought they were immature, just slow to grow up, difficult, lazy, whatever. We thought, this is just about to change. Around that next corner things will be different. </p><p></p><p>Once we learned differently, we started doing differently, but we still backslid a million times. Forgive yourself. You did the best you could do. That is always okay. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Read above. You did the best you could do. That is all any of us can EVER do. We are not perfect. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Me, too! I said this to difficult child. I have never encountered anyone more persistent than difficult child. I would tell him: If you can turn all of this persistence into a force for good, you can single handedly right all of the wrongs in the world, you have such power behind you. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Well, you can. I have, five times. I thought I would die at first. But difficult children are survivors. They are incredibly resilient. And there are many services for homeless people. It is so very hard, but it is possible to allow this. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yep, so you will cave because HE hates it. Think about that. What about you? What about YOUR LIFE? What about what you want? What about peace and joy and contentment and serenity and happiness? You deserve all of that. And right now. Not in 10 years from now. Start working for all of these things. The pathway to them is stopping enabling, detaching with love and accepting what IS. It takes a lot of hard work, daily work, but you can be on this pathway today. You are already on it--by evidence of what you are posting. Start reading, writing, going to meetings, meditating, doing things for yourself. Start today. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I know. My difficult child has been in jail either 8 or 9 times---have lost track. You can live with this, too. It's not easy, but you can. And think about this: time goes by, and time is your best friend. The more time that difficult child is "somewhere", somewhere that he can't hurt himself or other people with all of the things he does, that is a good thing. A good thing. Not a bad thing. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Good for you! You are on the journey. Keep taking small steps for yourself. If you start focusing on yourself, instead of him, things will start to get better. For you and ultimately for him. His progress may not be evident for a long long time. I truly believe that stopping what we have been doing is the only pathway to sanity for us and for our difficult children.</p><p></p><p>We must get out of the way. That is our only hope...and theirs.</p><p></p><p>Warm Hugs.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 633531, member: 17542"] Hi SM, and welcome. You have gotten great advice here, I'm just chiming in to support you. I know how hard this is, once you start on the road of detachment with love, and you "start stopping" all of the things you have been doing, which have been well-intentioned but haven't worked. And remember, it's not going to work. That is a hard lesson for us all to learn, believe me. You are 100 percent correct. Hang on to this truth. Yep. That's what they do. And like my SO says: "It took him a long time to walk into the forest. It's going to take a long time for him to walk out." That means this: he's not going to stop doing what has worked a million times before...overnight. He will keep on doing it and doing it because you and I have taught them well. If they keep on, we will cave. So, now, that you are ready to start stopping, it's going to take a long time for him to get it. It took my difficult child at least two years to start understanding that: Things have changed. And from time to time, he still gives the old stuff a try again. Old habits are hard to break. My son stole from me, his dad, his dad's new wife, our neighbors, his employer, my sister and her husband---and that's just the people I know of. Can you imagine how much he has really stolen? That comes hand-in-hand with drug addiction. It's not personal. Don't take it personally. It is part of it. Yep. been there done that. Every single time he did this, I said, I will call the police. And I did. One time he barricaded himself in his dad's garage (dad gone to work), cut his wrists superficially, texted the picture of them to his girlfriend, who called me in hysterics. I called the police, called my ex-husband/his dad, got in the car, met the police at the garage, and talked him into opening the door. We all spent the day in the ER and he was sent to the state hospital for a week. I honestly don't believe he had any intention of killing himself. I don't think he ever has. The last time he threatened it---earlier this year---I drove to where he was, got out of the car, got in his face and said: You keep on saying these things, and I am calling the police. He backed down immediately. No more since that time. We all did. We did it for years, because we didn't know what else to do. We thought they were immature, just slow to grow up, difficult, lazy, whatever. We thought, this is just about to change. Around that next corner things will be different. Once we learned differently, we started doing differently, but we still backslid a million times. Forgive yourself. You did the best you could do. That is always okay. Read above. You did the best you could do. That is all any of us can EVER do. We are not perfect. Me, too! I said this to difficult child. I have never encountered anyone more persistent than difficult child. I would tell him: If you can turn all of this persistence into a force for good, you can single handedly right all of the wrongs in the world, you have such power behind you. Well, you can. I have, five times. I thought I would die at first. But difficult children are survivors. They are incredibly resilient. And there are many services for homeless people. It is so very hard, but it is possible to allow this. Yep, so you will cave because HE hates it. Think about that. What about you? What about YOUR LIFE? What about what you want? What about peace and joy and contentment and serenity and happiness? You deserve all of that. And right now. Not in 10 years from now. Start working for all of these things. The pathway to them is stopping enabling, detaching with love and accepting what IS. It takes a lot of hard work, daily work, but you can be on this pathway today. You are already on it--by evidence of what you are posting. Start reading, writing, going to meetings, meditating, doing things for yourself. Start today. I know. My difficult child has been in jail either 8 or 9 times---have lost track. You can live with this, too. It's not easy, but you can. And think about this: time goes by, and time is your best friend. The more time that difficult child is "somewhere", somewhere that he can't hurt himself or other people with all of the things he does, that is a good thing. A good thing. Not a bad thing. Good for you! You are on the journey. Keep taking small steps for yourself. If you start focusing on yourself, instead of him, things will start to get better. For you and ultimately for him. His progress may not be evident for a long long time. I truly believe that stopping what we have been doing is the only pathway to sanity for us and for our difficult children. We must get out of the way. That is our only hope...and theirs. Warm Hugs. [/QUOTE]
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