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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 608328" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>I would like to add that borderline is not parentable (I just made up that word). It is a VERY difficult problem that will make problems for everyone your child meets unless she is willing to confront that diagnosis and change. Dialectal Behavioral Therapy is the only really successful treatment for it and many borderlines have gotten way better with it, but many borderlines get furious if you tell them they need treatment too and they declare that the world has to change, not them. You can not mother them, no matter what their "emotional" age is. They won't listen so you are wasting your time AND your life. And your other kids who are normal will feel resentful and cheated and YOU won't be taking good care of yourself. My guess is your daughter is using drugs more than you think. I"m going to recommend a book for parents or spouses of borderlines or any difficult adult children:</p><p></p><p><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901" target="_blank">http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901</a></p><p></p><p>Do not hesitate to buy it right away. If you can't afford it, go to the library. You can not save your adult daughter unless she decides to make the decision that she is tired of herself and WANTS to change and will work VERY HARD to change. Whatever happened in her past has happened and she is what she is and nobody really knows why borderline happens. The trick as an adult, which your daughter is, is for her to get her act together and get help and that starts with cutting out the drug abuse. Dancerat, I k now you think your son isn't using strong drugs. I don't know if I agree that you know if he is or not. The same thing goes for him. HE needs to change. Our adult kids will be treated as adults if they break the law and nobody will give a rat's if we try to defend them by telling the judge that they are "emotionally six." It doesn't matter. They can legally get into their own trouble and bring you into it with them if they, say, keep illegal substances in your house or get violent with your minor children (this is to original poster). </p><p></p><p>Detaching is a work in progress. I have a 35 year old that I feel so sorry for that I just wish I could fix his messed up life for him. If I dwell on it, it can bring me to tears, but I am learning coping skills to take my mind off of it when I think about him. He is not doing things to help himself, such as getting any sort of therapy, and has every excuse known to man as to why he can't get help, which he desperately needs. He threatens to kill himself because he will probably be on the losing end of a custody battle for my grandson and his son is the only thing he cares about and loves, yet his ex wants to take his son, who loves him so much, away from him and the justice system is so far stunningly biased toward the mother. She, by the way, is borderline. He is something too...not sure what. I believe he could kill himself. It is my deepest fear. BUT I CAN NOT STOP HIM!!!! If he loses his son and only gets him ever other weekend, in his differently wired head, that means he LOST him and he could actually kill himself. What on earth can I do to stop him if he is going to do it? If he tells me I can call 9-1-1. If he doesn't, I can't do a dang thing. Thinking and worrying about it 24/7 won't make things better. I have learned how to quickly focus my mind on something else if my mind starts floating in that direction...because I am powerless over his decisions and the future.</p><p></p><p>I have three other kids who are nice to me and not living on the edge. I have a great husband. I owe them the best me I can be.</p><p></p><p>You owe your loved ones who are functioning well the best you can give them of yourself and you owe yourself love, a life, fun, and things to look forward to. Your daughter will only change if she decides to change. I wouldn't enable her bad behavior. If you do, she will never become motivated to better herself and behave in a more acceptable manner. The more we "take care of" our adult children, the more they become dependent on us and unwilling to grow up...sort of stuck in Peter Pan mode. Some also get abusive and dangerous to us and others in our household.</p><p></p><p>My adult son can never live in my house again. My other adult child could if times got hard, but she wouldn't choose it. Adult children normally want to be independent. My son could be dangerous to all of us if he gets in a dangerous mood. I am not going to risk it. Fortunately, it won't come up. He does have a job in Missouri and his son is there so he isn't leaving the state. I am very sad to report that I am glad he can not come here and won't show up on my doorstep. (He also has a huge phobia about driving far). His anger can be scary.</p><p></p><p>Just my opinion.</p><p></p><p>Lots of love and hugs to you. This is NOT by any means easy, but in my opinion it is necessary for our entire family, including the self-destructive adult child in our life.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 608328, member: 1550"] I would like to add that borderline is not parentable (I just made up that word). It is a VERY difficult problem that will make problems for everyone your child meets unless she is willing to confront that diagnosis and change. Dialectal Behavioral Therapy is the only really successful treatment for it and many borderlines have gotten way better with it, but many borderlines get furious if you tell them they need treatment too and they declare that the world has to change, not them. You can not mother them, no matter what their "emotional" age is. They won't listen so you are wasting your time AND your life. And your other kids who are normal will feel resentful and cheated and YOU won't be taking good care of yourself. My guess is your daughter is using drugs more than you think. I"m going to recommend a book for parents or spouses of borderlines or any difficult adult children: [URL]http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901[/URL] Do not hesitate to buy it right away. If you can't afford it, go to the library. You can not save your adult daughter unless she decides to make the decision that she is tired of herself and WANTS to change and will work VERY HARD to change. Whatever happened in her past has happened and she is what she is and nobody really knows why borderline happens. The trick as an adult, which your daughter is, is for her to get her act together and get help and that starts with cutting out the drug abuse. Dancerat, I k now you think your son isn't using strong drugs. I don't know if I agree that you know if he is or not. The same thing goes for him. HE needs to change. Our adult kids will be treated as adults if they break the law and nobody will give a rat's if we try to defend them by telling the judge that they are "emotionally six." It doesn't matter. They can legally get into their own trouble and bring you into it with them if they, say, keep illegal substances in your house or get violent with your minor children (this is to original poster). Detaching is a work in progress. I have a 35 year old that I feel so sorry for that I just wish I could fix his messed up life for him. If I dwell on it, it can bring me to tears, but I am learning coping skills to take my mind off of it when I think about him. He is not doing things to help himself, such as getting any sort of therapy, and has every excuse known to man as to why he can't get help, which he desperately needs. He threatens to kill himself because he will probably be on the losing end of a custody battle for my grandson and his son is the only thing he cares about and loves, yet his ex wants to take his son, who loves him so much, away from him and the justice system is so far stunningly biased toward the mother. She, by the way, is borderline. He is something too...not sure what. I believe he could kill himself. It is my deepest fear. BUT I CAN NOT STOP HIM!!!! If he loses his son and only gets him ever other weekend, in his differently wired head, that means he LOST him and he could actually kill himself. What on earth can I do to stop him if he is going to do it? If he tells me I can call 9-1-1. If he doesn't, I can't do a dang thing. Thinking and worrying about it 24/7 won't make things better. I have learned how to quickly focus my mind on something else if my mind starts floating in that direction...because I am powerless over his decisions and the future. I have three other kids who are nice to me and not living on the edge. I have a great husband. I owe them the best me I can be. You owe your loved ones who are functioning well the best you can give them of yourself and you owe yourself love, a life, fun, and things to look forward to. Your daughter will only change if she decides to change. I wouldn't enable her bad behavior. If you do, she will never become motivated to better herself and behave in a more acceptable manner. The more we "take care of" our adult children, the more they become dependent on us and unwilling to grow up...sort of stuck in Peter Pan mode. Some also get abusive and dangerous to us and others in our household. My adult son can never live in my house again. My other adult child could if times got hard, but she wouldn't choose it. Adult children normally want to be independent. My son could be dangerous to all of us if he gets in a dangerous mood. I am not going to risk it. Fortunately, it won't come up. He does have a job in Missouri and his son is there so he isn't leaving the state. I am very sad to report that I am glad he can not come here and won't show up on my doorstep. (He also has a huge phobia about driving far). His anger can be scary. Just my opinion. Lots of love and hugs to you. This is NOT by any means easy, but in my opinion it is necessary for our entire family, including the self-destructive adult child in our life. [/QUOTE]
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