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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 608335" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Borderlines are incredibly difficult patients because of exactly what you said. DBT is new in the US, but there are tons of books about it. I did a lot of self-help in this arena and that can sometimes help as much as seeing a psychologist.</p><p></p><p>I would not take her to therapy. It is her responsibility to go and get there and if she doesn't go willingly she won't get much out of it. Therapy is a lot like learning how to play the piano. If you don't practice and work hard at it, you won't learn anything and you'll just be wasting your money. I have many challenges myself and have worked my tail off in therapy to be a much better and person than I was and to learn things that "normal" people automatically know...coping skills that never occurred to me. It is a very hard lesson (many lessons, really), but none of our difficult children will change one iota if they are not committed to a recovery and acknowledge that they have problems. </p><p></p><p>My parents were very uncaring and tossed me out at eighteen when I was probably emotionally ten with neurological and learning problems. I survived because I had no safety net and I threw myself into therapy to be the best me that I could be and I am STILL in therapy because differently wired people always need tune ups to remember our learned skills. I think that it is actually better to let your child sink or swim than to enable the child to act ten or twelve or whatever age we think they are stuck at. WE CAN NOT AND WILL NOT LIVE FOREVER. And nobody else will put up with a, say, forty year old who is used to mommy doing his laundry or cooking his food or giving him money for cigarettes (in my opinion nobody should ever give any adult child money for cigarettes anyway...it's such a horrible habit and big waste of money). </p><p></p><p>Maybe I'm biased because if my parents would have coddled me because of my differences, I never would have made it this far and I'd never have been the person I am today. I had to grow up. The last ten years of my mother's life, she did not want to talk to me. Although it hurt, it was for the best. She didn't mean for it to be for the best, but it was. I had to depend on myself and my own family and therapy for emotional support...and it worked out great. For me, if I had been coddled, I would have taken the coddling and never grown up because being independent and adult was hard for me. It would have been much easier just to let mom take care of me. Fortunately for me, she was unwilling, which turned out way for the best. My daughter also grow up and cut out the drugs and rotten choices once we made her leave our house. Now she was never on the streets, but she could have been had s he not decided to go live with a brother who is a fundamentalist Christian and would have thrown her out if she had so much as lit up a cigarette. She would not change under OUR care because she knew I was a soft touch. But she sure didn't really want to live on the streets and she even quit her cigarettes, got a job, walked to work (she had no car) and left her drugs behind her when she lived with her brother who made very harsh demands of her in order to live in his house. He would have had no qualms throwing her out and she knew it and responded to it!</p><p></p><p>I have not seen any success when parents keep saving their grown children, if they are difficult children. You can't raise them like you raise your PCs and you can't relate to them as adult children the same way you relate to your PCs either. Like apples and oranges.</p><p></p><p>Your daughter has a job. That is huge. That means she can always find somewhere to stay. And that shows glimmers of responsibility too.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 608335, member: 1550"] Borderlines are incredibly difficult patients because of exactly what you said. DBT is new in the US, but there are tons of books about it. I did a lot of self-help in this arena and that can sometimes help as much as seeing a psychologist. I would not take her to therapy. It is her responsibility to go and get there and if she doesn't go willingly she won't get much out of it. Therapy is a lot like learning how to play the piano. If you don't practice and work hard at it, you won't learn anything and you'll just be wasting your money. I have many challenges myself and have worked my tail off in therapy to be a much better and person than I was and to learn things that "normal" people automatically know...coping skills that never occurred to me. It is a very hard lesson (many lessons, really), but none of our difficult children will change one iota if they are not committed to a recovery and acknowledge that they have problems. My parents were very uncaring and tossed me out at eighteen when I was probably emotionally ten with neurological and learning problems. I survived because I had no safety net and I threw myself into therapy to be the best me that I could be and I am STILL in therapy because differently wired people always need tune ups to remember our learned skills. I think that it is actually better to let your child sink or swim than to enable the child to act ten or twelve or whatever age we think they are stuck at. WE CAN NOT AND WILL NOT LIVE FOREVER. And nobody else will put up with a, say, forty year old who is used to mommy doing his laundry or cooking his food or giving him money for cigarettes (in my opinion nobody should ever give any adult child money for cigarettes anyway...it's such a horrible habit and big waste of money). Maybe I'm biased because if my parents would have coddled me because of my differences, I never would have made it this far and I'd never have been the person I am today. I had to grow up. The last ten years of my mother's life, she did not want to talk to me. Although it hurt, it was for the best. She didn't mean for it to be for the best, but it was. I had to depend on myself and my own family and therapy for emotional support...and it worked out great. For me, if I had been coddled, I would have taken the coddling and never grown up because being independent and adult was hard for me. It would have been much easier just to let mom take care of me. Fortunately for me, she was unwilling, which turned out way for the best. My daughter also grow up and cut out the drugs and rotten choices once we made her leave our house. Now she was never on the streets, but she could have been had s he not decided to go live with a brother who is a fundamentalist Christian and would have thrown her out if she had so much as lit up a cigarette. She would not change under OUR care because she knew I was a soft touch. But she sure didn't really want to live on the streets and she even quit her cigarettes, got a job, walked to work (she had no car) and left her drugs behind her when she lived with her brother who made very harsh demands of her in order to live in his house. He would have had no qualms throwing her out and she knew it and responded to it! I have not seen any success when parents keep saving their grown children, if they are difficult children. You can't raise them like you raise your PCs and you can't relate to them as adult children the same way you relate to your PCs either. Like apples and oranges. Your daughter has a job. That is huge. That means she can always find somewhere to stay. And that shows glimmers of responsibility too. [/QUOTE]
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