Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
New here
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="scent of cedar" data-source="post: 608510" data-attributes="member: 1721"><p>Welcome, mamakathy. My daughter is 39. It is heartrending to worry over your child, to know she is homeless, to hear the horrible things that are happening to her. As any responsible parent would, we question what went wrong, search for the key to what it is, blame ourselves endlessly for the horrifying choices they make and for the situations they invariably get themselves into. We put ourselves and others in our families in danger to help our self-destructing kids. We bear the brunt of the judgments our families and peers whose children are normal make against us.</p><p></p><p>We judge ourselves most harshly of all.</p><p></p><p>Unless we have had perfect lives, we can always find something to blame ourselves about for what has happened to our kids. When we first brought our daughter in for evaluation, the professionals came back with questions about our marriage, and about whether our daughter's real father was still in her life. All we could tell them was that husband was her "real" father, that we'd been married since before she was born, that we loved her, that there was no known trauma to explain our rebellious, sometimes criminal, daughter's behavior.</p><p></p><p>You did nothing to cause this, mamakathy. More and more, research is telling us that so many of these problems are genetic. If you have a genetic tendency and toss any drug use at all into the mix, the problems are magnified, and that is that.</p><p></p><p>Which doesn't change the horrible pain of watching someone we love self destruct.</p><p></p><p>I'm so sorry we have no solution for you, mamakathy. The advice you have received regarding your daughter is golden. The toughest thing we go through with troubled children is recognizing and coming to terms with our own feelings. Given that your daughter has a history of difficulties, her issues may trail her all her life. If you will be parenting this child and dealing with these issues as you begin to age, as you look forward to retirement, as you become a grandmother...how will you do it? What would you like that to look like? </p><p></p><p>How will you interpret this child's actions to yourself, in your own heart, and how will her difficulties change your perceptions of yourself, and of your ability to effect positive change or have any control at all over events in your life? For so many who have been responsible parents, the forever-unresolvable issues of their children destroy the parents' own senses of efficacy. Of happiness. Of belief in the bright future. Of hope. We slip into frustration and despair so often that it begins to feel normal for us...and our own lives are flying by. </p><p></p><p>These are the core issues you must address. Not so much "How can I help her?" (Though that is important, too.) but, "How can I do what needs to be done for this child I love for the incredible amount of time I will need to do it, without cheating myself of the joy to be taken in my own life?"</p><p></p><p>We are learning that too, mamakathy. It is good to have one another, good to see our stories reflected in the stories of the others, good to have a safe place to come, and to learn, and to grow into the difficult role of healthy mother to a troubled child.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="scent of cedar, post: 608510, member: 1721"] Welcome, mamakathy. My daughter is 39. It is heartrending to worry over your child, to know she is homeless, to hear the horrible things that are happening to her. As any responsible parent would, we question what went wrong, search for the key to what it is, blame ourselves endlessly for the horrifying choices they make and for the situations they invariably get themselves into. We put ourselves and others in our families in danger to help our self-destructing kids. We bear the brunt of the judgments our families and peers whose children are normal make against us. We judge ourselves most harshly of all. Unless we have had perfect lives, we can always find something to blame ourselves about for what has happened to our kids. When we first brought our daughter in for evaluation, the professionals came back with questions about our marriage, and about whether our daughter's real father was still in her life. All we could tell them was that husband was her "real" father, that we'd been married since before she was born, that we loved her, that there was no known trauma to explain our rebellious, sometimes criminal, daughter's behavior. You did nothing to cause this, mamakathy. More and more, research is telling us that so many of these problems are genetic. If you have a genetic tendency and toss any drug use at all into the mix, the problems are magnified, and that is that. Which doesn't change the horrible pain of watching someone we love self destruct. I'm so sorry we have no solution for you, mamakathy. The advice you have received regarding your daughter is golden. The toughest thing we go through with troubled children is recognizing and coming to terms with our own feelings. Given that your daughter has a history of difficulties, her issues may trail her all her life. If you will be parenting this child and dealing with these issues as you begin to age, as you look forward to retirement, as you become a grandmother...how will you do it? What would you like that to look like? How will you interpret this child's actions to yourself, in your own heart, and how will her difficulties change your perceptions of yourself, and of your ability to effect positive change or have any control at all over events in your life? For so many who have been responsible parents, the forever-unresolvable issues of their children destroy the parents' own senses of efficacy. Of happiness. Of belief in the bright future. Of hope. We slip into frustration and despair so often that it begins to feel normal for us...and our own lives are flying by. These are the core issues you must address. Not so much "How can I help her?" (Though that is important, too.) but, "How can I do what needs to be done for this child I love for the incredible amount of time I will need to do it, without cheating myself of the joy to be taken in my own life?" We are learning that too, mamakathy. It is good to have one another, good to see our stories reflected in the stories of the others, good to have a safe place to come, and to learn, and to grow into the difficult role of healthy mother to a troubled child. Cedar [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
New here
Top