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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 230467" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>We found initially that difficult child 1 didn't want to know. IN one way he would happily tell people his diagnosis, in other ways whenever info came on the TV about it, he would leave the room. Then after a couple of years he would be in the room while the news would be discussing a kid with behaviour problems, and would often say, "Don't they realise that kid's an Aspie?"</p><p>He picked that his best friend was Aspie, he worked with me to get his best friend (who had been thrown out of school) to enrol in a part-time college course with him, with my help. This particular couse takes students at a lower level of school completion, so the friend was able to enrol. If I hadn't steered them both through it, neiter would have managed the paperwork. But the courses at this tertiary college are wonderful in the support available to students with learning problems. It was a struggle but they both passed the course.</p><p></p><p>difficult child 1's best friend still tries to hide his disability, because his mother never taught him that he was worth fighting for. She is a good person, but she was too willing to give way to teachers who told her that her son was a problem. She never dug deeper to try to sort it out, and he is resentful for this. To her credit, he never told her what was wrong (wouldn't tell me, either) so how could anyone fight for him if he won't let on there is a problem? </p><p></p><p>difficult child 1 accepts himself, he knows he has problems but also knows that he has special talents that are directly due to his Asperger's. He is fragile, he will need to be supported emotionally for some time, but at the moment that is not too difficult a task while he feels good about himself. I just wish he and his wife lived a little closer so we could see them more often, I don't want her to feel he is her baby (which I see developing, it could lead to problems).</p><p></p><p>I can see good tihngs ahead for my boys. However, they need much longer time to be parented, it isn't easy. difficult child 1 blew up at grandma's last night because she was "laying down the law" in a way I felt was extremely inappropriate, and she has never been tuned in to the early warning signs. I stepped in as parent and followed him out, I did my best to hint to grandma that she had just triggered an explosion and should now drop the subject (I don't think it worked). After that I briefly spoke to difficult child 1 ("Yes, she was wrong. No, you can't do anything about it. This is her house, she is senior. Put up with it. Come back inside when you've got control of yourself.") I then came back inside calmly and suggested we all continue on, difficult child 1 would join us when he was ready. His wife I think was upset, but wisely didn't react and followed my lead. mother in law began to say, "He's too old for these tantrums," to which I replied, "We have learned to not apply the calendar; you never say, 'he should have grown out of it by his age,' because such rules just don't work. Now we need to move on."</p><p></p><p>difficult child 1 came back in a few minutes later, sat down and imediately apologised. Fairly soon he was joking with his grandmother and discussing various aspects up a kick "up the Khyber Pass" (referring to other words she spoke concerning him).</p><p>I'm sure mother in law thinks everything is now sweetness and light, and that her actions were therefore made acceptable - they were not. But bygones are now bygones, which while not the same thing, should be good enough here.</p><p></p><p>difficult child 1 didn't have the maturity to not explode, but he DID have the maturity to sort it out himself afterwards. </p><p></p><p>It is an ongoing process, they take much longer to mature. But as we're seeing in difficult child 1, he IS getting there.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 230467, member: 1991"] We found initially that difficult child 1 didn't want to know. IN one way he would happily tell people his diagnosis, in other ways whenever info came on the TV about it, he would leave the room. Then after a couple of years he would be in the room while the news would be discussing a kid with behaviour problems, and would often say, "Don't they realise that kid's an Aspie?" He picked that his best friend was Aspie, he worked with me to get his best friend (who had been thrown out of school) to enrol in a part-time college course with him, with my help. This particular couse takes students at a lower level of school completion, so the friend was able to enrol. If I hadn't steered them both through it, neiter would have managed the paperwork. But the courses at this tertiary college are wonderful in the support available to students with learning problems. It was a struggle but they both passed the course. difficult child 1's best friend still tries to hide his disability, because his mother never taught him that he was worth fighting for. She is a good person, but she was too willing to give way to teachers who told her that her son was a problem. She never dug deeper to try to sort it out, and he is resentful for this. To her credit, he never told her what was wrong (wouldn't tell me, either) so how could anyone fight for him if he won't let on there is a problem? difficult child 1 accepts himself, he knows he has problems but also knows that he has special talents that are directly due to his Asperger's. He is fragile, he will need to be supported emotionally for some time, but at the moment that is not too difficult a task while he feels good about himself. I just wish he and his wife lived a little closer so we could see them more often, I don't want her to feel he is her baby (which I see developing, it could lead to problems). I can see good tihngs ahead for my boys. However, they need much longer time to be parented, it isn't easy. difficult child 1 blew up at grandma's last night because she was "laying down the law" in a way I felt was extremely inappropriate, and she has never been tuned in to the early warning signs. I stepped in as parent and followed him out, I did my best to hint to grandma that she had just triggered an explosion and should now drop the subject (I don't think it worked). After that I briefly spoke to difficult child 1 ("Yes, she was wrong. No, you can't do anything about it. This is her house, she is senior. Put up with it. Come back inside when you've got control of yourself.") I then came back inside calmly and suggested we all continue on, difficult child 1 would join us when he was ready. His wife I think was upset, but wisely didn't react and followed my lead. mother in law began to say, "He's too old for these tantrums," to which I replied, "We have learned to not apply the calendar; you never say, 'he should have grown out of it by his age,' because such rules just don't work. Now we need to move on." difficult child 1 came back in a few minutes later, sat down and imediately apologised. Fairly soon he was joking with his grandmother and discussing various aspects up a kick "up the Khyber Pass" (referring to other words she spoke concerning him). I'm sure mother in law thinks everything is now sweetness and light, and that her actions were therefore made acceptable - they were not. But bygones are now bygones, which while not the same thing, should be good enough here. difficult child 1 didn't have the maturity to not explode, but he DID have the maturity to sort it out himself afterwards. It is an ongoing process, they take much longer to mature. But as we're seeing in difficult child 1, he IS getting there. Marg [/QUOTE]
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