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New Member - difficult child in Hospital
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<blockquote data-quote="BTDT" data-source="post: 12802" data-attributes="member: 3401"><p>Dear WID,</p><p></p><p>Here's the thing. You have two challenges. Your son's medical condition - the doctors are handling it. And his emotional condition. You can do very little about those two things beyond what the doctors are doing, until he is stabilized. It's very difficult to do any kind of definitive diagnosis when your son is in this state.</p><p></p><p>But you also have a third, you and your family's emotional response to this. That's what my letter addresses. Until that's taken care of, you won't be a lot of help to your son. That is why I suggest you take it easy on yourself and not get exhausted going to the ends of the earth to try to figure it out on your own.</p><p></p><p>in my humble opinion, that takes too long, and if history repeats itself, you've been trying that for a while and it hasn't worked. Meanwhile your child is getting older. That sounds to me like the real deal. in my humble opinion.</p><p></p><p>The point is, the core, underlying issue is exactly what I said. With ODD, it ALWAYS is. And it's a lot. Never underestimate the power of emotional response, especially in a 12-year-old boy. Perhaps I wasn't clear, and therefore the confusion, but I'm suggesting that you focus now on finding a good therapist rather than mowing through every every book and website you can get your hands on. At this stage of the game, you don't have time to hope a book will do it.</p><p></p><p>In my opinion, exhausting yourself and the doctors' trying to name this is the equivalent of driving a car (with four flat tires), all over town trying to find someone that can tell you the name brand of your engine. </p><p></p><p>Fix the tires first. That's something you CAN fix. Later, you may decide that it doesn't really matter if you know the name of the engine or not. So maybe that's a lame example. But I like it.</p><p></p><p>Step back from the alphabet of all this, and fulfill your part in the advocate-dad-partnering-with-the-medical-team-and-therapist role to help your son get well. But the emotional thing between your son, and the family, and any other important adults in his life, that deserves your most important time.</p><p></p><p>Parents that never figure that out, often lose their difficult children, to peers, to drugs, to prison sometimes. At 12, you don't have one minute to waste. That is why I made the recommendation I did. And I strongly believe a skilled play therapist is the ticket. </p><p></p><p>Let me tell you why, because if your son has ADHD, talking bores him silly. Play therapy engages him and grabs his attention. He won't even know he had therapy. He'll think he was playing a game. And meanwhile he'll be healing emotionally. That's the idea, and man oh man does it ever work, IF you find the right therapist. And no, I'm not one. I've just seen the jaw-dropping magic of it.</p><p></p><p>I'm not here to try to convert you to anything or prove anything to anyone. It's just that your letter touched my heart, so this is my offering - this realistic approach. (Guess you surmised that takes guts. :smile: )</p><p></p><p>It's heartwarming to see a concerned dad stepping up to the plate. That's what our kids need a lot more of. I would not try to coax your darling wife to come here. She's suffering and she doesn't need any coaxing. You are all in crisis, confronting some hard facts that hurt, a lot. Godspeed finding your way through all this muck back to good parts of being a loving family.</p><p></p><p>Happy Sunday dear WID. Remember that part about the visits. It's the magic key to unlocking this. And suggest your wife try it too. You'll be astonished.</p><p></p><p>I say these things only after having...</p><p>been there done that</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BTDT, post: 12802, member: 3401"] Dear WID, Here's the thing. You have two challenges. Your son's medical condition - the doctors are handling it. And his emotional condition. You can do very little about those two things beyond what the doctors are doing, until he is stabilized. It's very difficult to do any kind of definitive diagnosis when your son is in this state. But you also have a third, you and your family's emotional response to this. That's what my letter addresses. Until that's taken care of, you won't be a lot of help to your son. That is why I suggest you take it easy on yourself and not get exhausted going to the ends of the earth to try to figure it out on your own. in my humble opinion, that takes too long, and if history repeats itself, you've been trying that for a while and it hasn't worked. Meanwhile your child is getting older. That sounds to me like the real deal. in my humble opinion. The point is, the core, underlying issue is exactly what I said. With ODD, it ALWAYS is. And it's a lot. Never underestimate the power of emotional response, especially in a 12-year-old boy. Perhaps I wasn't clear, and therefore the confusion, but I'm suggesting that you focus now on finding a good therapist rather than mowing through every every book and website you can get your hands on. At this stage of the game, you don't have time to hope a book will do it. In my opinion, exhausting yourself and the doctors' trying to name this is the equivalent of driving a car (with four flat tires), all over town trying to find someone that can tell you the name brand of your engine. Fix the tires first. That's something you CAN fix. Later, you may decide that it doesn't really matter if you know the name of the engine or not. So maybe that's a lame example. But I like it. Step back from the alphabet of all this, and fulfill your part in the advocate-dad-partnering-with-the-medical-team-and-therapist role to help your son get well. But the emotional thing between your son, and the family, and any other important adults in his life, that deserves your most important time. Parents that never figure that out, often lose their difficult children, to peers, to drugs, to prison sometimes. At 12, you don't have one minute to waste. That is why I made the recommendation I did. And I strongly believe a skilled play therapist is the ticket. Let me tell you why, because if your son has ADHD, talking bores him silly. Play therapy engages him and grabs his attention. He won't even know he had therapy. He'll think he was playing a game. And meanwhile he'll be healing emotionally. That's the idea, and man oh man does it ever work, IF you find the right therapist. And no, I'm not one. I've just seen the jaw-dropping magic of it. I'm not here to try to convert you to anything or prove anything to anyone. It's just that your letter touched my heart, so this is my offering - this realistic approach. (Guess you surmised that takes guts. [img]:smile:[/img] ) It's heartwarming to see a concerned dad stepping up to the plate. That's what our kids need a lot more of. I would not try to coax your darling wife to come here. She's suffering and she doesn't need any coaxing. You are all in crisis, confronting some hard facts that hurt, a lot. Godspeed finding your way through all this muck back to good parts of being a loving family. Happy Sunday dear WID. Remember that part about the visits. It's the magic key to unlocking this. And suggest your wife try it too. You'll be astonished. I say these things only after having... been there done that [/QUOTE]
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