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New member - Having a bad morning
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 400531" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>You have gotten a LOT of great advice. Esp to be somewhat patient with us - we are new to you and you to us. We are all glad to have found each other, but it is easy to sometimes misinterpret what we say because so much of human communication is non-verbal and all we have is the words on the screen to let us share with each other! This group is truly one of the least judgemental I have ever been exposed to.</p><p> </p><p>My husband and son went through some of what I think you are describing. We don't have the step relative issues, but husband and difficult child do NOT understand each other. They like similar things very often, but the extremes to which difficult child takes things, and goes to regarding them, along with the violence and seeming lack of care about anyone else were really frightening to my husband. He didn't have a clue as to HOW to connect with difficult child though he tried very hard. He also had NO idea how to change from what his ideas of parenting were to what the kids actually needed. </p><p> </p><p>The one thing that helped us the MOST regarding parenting is the Love and Logic series of books. L&L uses natural and logical consequences while working to strengthen the bond between parent and child. It made sense to husband and to many of the men we know who had troubles with their kids and parenting. You can learn more about L&L at their website - <a href="http://www.loveandlogic.com" target="_blank">www.loveandlogic.com</a> . They have stuff for teachers on the site that we also found helpful, along iwth quite a few books. I have yet to find L&L stuff that isn't helpful. They have a book for special needs kids parenting, but it came out after we already used the other books. I have heard a lot of people on other sites say that L&L "won't work" with kids with special needs, but that is NOT at ALL my experience. It worked far better than most of ther things, esp when combined with ideas from The Explosive Child. </p><p> </p><p>Another VERY helpful book is "What Your Explosive Child Is Trying To Tell You" by Doug Riley. It is incredibly helpful because it helps you to figure out WHY the explosion happened, which is a big step toward being able to help your child learn not to explode.</p><p> </p><p>I also think many adults have NO clue about how lost a child of any age who is on the autistic spectrum is. I probably would have gotten an Asperger's diagnosis if I had been a child in today's world. I can remember very clearly, like watching a movie where you know exactly how one character is feeling and what they are thinking, what it was like to try to figure out WHY others did and didn't do what they did. While I understand many of those things NOW, as I kid I was often very lost socially. My father is an undx'd Aspie who didn't always teach me the best ways to handle things (like the year I convinced many kids I was crazy so that the bullies would leave me alone - and I threatened to kill every member of one bully's family and leave her alone in the world unless she completely left me alone. NOW I am HORRIFIED by my behavior, but I had no tools that worked and was lost and terrified myself. Looking back I am even more upset because I can see how my threat had a big effect on the bully's life even years after we last had any contact.) I can remember, and somewhat articulate the way I felt and how I figured out the few social skills I had. It wasn't until I read descriptions of Aspies figuring out social rules that I realized how many Aspie traits I have.</p><p> </p><p>If you can try to get past the outer "solipsist" view of difficult child and see the scared and confused person who has no clue about HOW to care, it might help.</p><p> </p><p>Also, as his possessions and comforts are big to him, they CAN be withheld unless appropriate rules are followed. MUCH of what we Americans feel is "a right" of teens is actually a PRIVILEGE and is NOT something that we must provide. Things like driver's licenses and permits, clothing they like, computer time, video games, etc.... All of those can be carrots - esp if you are willing to strip him down to the absolute basics (bed, 7 outifts, 1 pr shoes, 1 coat, blanket, lamp, food but not food he likes, etc...no screens of any kind, no electronics, etc....). That can make a BIG impact but you MUST be sure that he understands why he doesn't have his "stuff" and what you expect of him if he wants them.</p><p> </p><p>I hope some of this helps. Welcome!!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 400531, member: 1233"] You have gotten a LOT of great advice. Esp to be somewhat patient with us - we are new to you and you to us. We are all glad to have found each other, but it is easy to sometimes misinterpret what we say because so much of human communication is non-verbal and all we have is the words on the screen to let us share with each other! This group is truly one of the least judgemental I have ever been exposed to. My husband and son went through some of what I think you are describing. We don't have the step relative issues, but husband and difficult child do NOT understand each other. They like similar things very often, but the extremes to which difficult child takes things, and goes to regarding them, along with the violence and seeming lack of care about anyone else were really frightening to my husband. He didn't have a clue as to HOW to connect with difficult child though he tried very hard. He also had NO idea how to change from what his ideas of parenting were to what the kids actually needed. The one thing that helped us the MOST regarding parenting is the Love and Logic series of books. L&L uses natural and logical consequences while working to strengthen the bond between parent and child. It made sense to husband and to many of the men we know who had troubles with their kids and parenting. You can learn more about L&L at their website - [URL="http://www.loveandlogic.com"]www.loveandlogic.com[/URL] . They have stuff for teachers on the site that we also found helpful, along iwth quite a few books. I have yet to find L&L stuff that isn't helpful. They have a book for special needs kids parenting, but it came out after we already used the other books. I have heard a lot of people on other sites say that L&L "won't work" with kids with special needs, but that is NOT at ALL my experience. It worked far better than most of ther things, esp when combined with ideas from The Explosive Child. Another VERY helpful book is "What Your Explosive Child Is Trying To Tell You" by Doug Riley. It is incredibly helpful because it helps you to figure out WHY the explosion happened, which is a big step toward being able to help your child learn not to explode. I also think many adults have NO clue about how lost a child of any age who is on the autistic spectrum is. I probably would have gotten an Asperger's diagnosis if I had been a child in today's world. I can remember very clearly, like watching a movie where you know exactly how one character is feeling and what they are thinking, what it was like to try to figure out WHY others did and didn't do what they did. While I understand many of those things NOW, as I kid I was often very lost socially. My father is an undx'd Aspie who didn't always teach me the best ways to handle things (like the year I convinced many kids I was crazy so that the bullies would leave me alone - and I threatened to kill every member of one bully's family and leave her alone in the world unless she completely left me alone. NOW I am HORRIFIED by my behavior, but I had no tools that worked and was lost and terrified myself. Looking back I am even more upset because I can see how my threat had a big effect on the bully's life even years after we last had any contact.) I can remember, and somewhat articulate the way I felt and how I figured out the few social skills I had. It wasn't until I read descriptions of Aspies figuring out social rules that I realized how many Aspie traits I have. If you can try to get past the outer "solipsist" view of difficult child and see the scared and confused person who has no clue about HOW to care, it might help. Also, as his possessions and comforts are big to him, they CAN be withheld unless appropriate rules are followed. MUCH of what we Americans feel is "a right" of teens is actually a PRIVILEGE and is NOT something that we must provide. Things like driver's licenses and permits, clothing they like, computer time, video games, etc.... All of those can be carrots - esp if you are willing to strip him down to the absolute basics (bed, 7 outifts, 1 pr shoes, 1 coat, blanket, lamp, food but not food he likes, etc...no screens of any kind, no electronics, etc....). That can make a BIG impact but you MUST be sure that he understands why he doesn't have his "stuff" and what you expect of him if he wants them. I hope some of this helps. Welcome!! [/QUOTE]
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