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New member - Having a bad morning
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<blockquote data-quote="Truthsong" data-source="post: 400615"><p>Thank you all so much. I <em>have</em> gotten a lot of excellent advice! I especially appreciate reading about how open-minded this group is and the reminder to give everyone time to get to know one another. I also appreciate the encouragement and the reminder that things <em>do</em> get better. I feel very welcome and accepted here already. </p><p></p><p>Marguerite - you mentioned the toothpaste incident. One thing my son and I always do is talk about what happened after everyone has had a chance to calm down and think about things. (This was never done in my childhood home and later, when I moved out as an adult, I finally learned how to effectively communicate with others, so I have worked diligently to ensure my own kids learned these skills early.) difficult child admitted that the reason he pounced on me that morning was because he anticipated that I was going to want to start pouncing on <em>him</em>. I thought this was an excellent observation and told him so. I also told him I appreciated that he thought about it and came to tell me. This is huge progress for him. Anyway, you were right on. I need to remember not to get myself on the defensive when he goes there because it just creates a slippery slope. difficult child has a very powerful personality and it's sometimes difficult to remember that I am the parent and am in charge. Thanks for putting this into perspective. </p><p></p><p>You also mentioned a few times about how your husband and mine seem similar. Based on what you've told me, I have to concur. husband does often say he is trying, but that he's done all he can do. To me, that sometimes feels inflexible, but I know it's just something he says when he's overwhelmed and can't imagine how else to be. He has also shown how flexible and adaptable and forgiving he can be, so it's not a lost cause or anything. On the contrary, I am very grateful that he is willing to try so hard with a child that is not his. You're right about another thing, the booming voice and the things he says are definitely honest. I sometimes hear the things he says and worry that my son's sensibilities won't be able to handle them. But lately, more often than not, I am finding that those concerns are unfounded. difficult child seems to respond well to the strongly honest points husband makes, so I am learning to just stay out of things and let them work it out. It's hard to do that, but it gets easier every day. This realization, combined with what barneysmom said about letting them figure out what their relationship is going to be like has put things into a new and healthier perspective for me. Thank you for that!</p><p></p><p>I find your point of view of Aspie knowledge interesting. I sometimes get frustrated that difficult child has a "label" at all because it seems that people use it to limit their expectations of those with such "labels". My sister was born with multiple birth defects and developmental delays, yet we all treated her like a "normal" person (and, yes, I use that term, too). As a result, my sister was raised to be what has now been coined as "handicapable". Though I think that is far too easy child a term, I understand the sentiment. My sister, had she not been treated like everyone else, would have grown to accept her impediments rather than challenge herself to grow beyond them. As a full-functioning adult, she is now a lot more mainstream than she would have been had she been kept down by her "labels". So, I do the same for my son. I know that means his life is difficult. But it's rare to find someone with great character and integrity who <em>hasn't</em> gone through difficulties in life. I read a quote a friend posted on Facebook recently which has become my current favorite. </p><p></p><p>"Do not handicap your children by making their lives too easy." ~ Lazarus Long </p><p></p><p>That is definitely food for thought. </p><p></p><p>susiestar - We actually do use the technique you refer to about recognizing and removing privileges as well as ensuring that difficult child understands the reasons we took them away for a time. It works for the most part. But we've added the layer of making him work to earn them back and that has had some excellent results. Part of my problem is that I am too forgiving and so I often don't do well with nipping things in the bud. That causes difficult child to assume that what he's doing is okay and then a pattern forms. This is actually one of the things husband tries to avoid by being harder on difficult child from the get go. And I cringe when he does it because I want to give difficult child more chances. I know husband is right, but sometimes it's just really hard to back off and let it happen. I appreciate the chance to talk about this because it has brought some important realizations to the surface. It's a balancing act at times, when husband speaks from a place of anger as opposed to a place of authority and that is when I feel the need to step in. I guess I need to shift my reactions that 90 degrees someone mentioned and respond in a different way. </p><p></p><p>Much food for thought, indeed. </p><p></p><p>Thank you all so very much! I hope I am able to help others here as much as you have all helped me.:Grouphug:</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Truthsong, post: 400615"] Thank you all so much. I [I]have[/I] gotten a lot of excellent advice! I especially appreciate reading about how open-minded this group is and the reminder to give everyone time to get to know one another. I also appreciate the encouragement and the reminder that things [I]do[/I] get better. I feel very welcome and accepted here already. Marguerite - you mentioned the toothpaste incident. One thing my son and I always do is talk about what happened after everyone has had a chance to calm down and think about things. (This was never done in my childhood home and later, when I moved out as an adult, I finally learned how to effectively communicate with others, so I have worked diligently to ensure my own kids learned these skills early.) difficult child admitted that the reason he pounced on me that morning was because he anticipated that I was going to want to start pouncing on [I]him[/I]. I thought this was an excellent observation and told him so. I also told him I appreciated that he thought about it and came to tell me. This is huge progress for him. Anyway, you were right on. I need to remember not to get myself on the defensive when he goes there because it just creates a slippery slope. difficult child has a very powerful personality and it's sometimes difficult to remember that I am the parent and am in charge. Thanks for putting this into perspective. You also mentioned a few times about how your husband and mine seem similar. Based on what you've told me, I have to concur. husband does often say he is trying, but that he's done all he can do. To me, that sometimes feels inflexible, but I know it's just something he says when he's overwhelmed and can't imagine how else to be. He has also shown how flexible and adaptable and forgiving he can be, so it's not a lost cause or anything. On the contrary, I am very grateful that he is willing to try so hard with a child that is not his. You're right about another thing, the booming voice and the things he says are definitely honest. I sometimes hear the things he says and worry that my son's sensibilities won't be able to handle them. But lately, more often than not, I am finding that those concerns are unfounded. difficult child seems to respond well to the strongly honest points husband makes, so I am learning to just stay out of things and let them work it out. It's hard to do that, but it gets easier every day. This realization, combined with what barneysmom said about letting them figure out what their relationship is going to be like has put things into a new and healthier perspective for me. Thank you for that! I find your point of view of Aspie knowledge interesting. I sometimes get frustrated that difficult child has a "label" at all because it seems that people use it to limit their expectations of those with such "labels". My sister was born with multiple birth defects and developmental delays, yet we all treated her like a "normal" person (and, yes, I use that term, too). As a result, my sister was raised to be what has now been coined as "handicapable". Though I think that is far too easy child a term, I understand the sentiment. My sister, had she not been treated like everyone else, would have grown to accept her impediments rather than challenge herself to grow beyond them. As a full-functioning adult, she is now a lot more mainstream than she would have been had she been kept down by her "labels". So, I do the same for my son. I know that means his life is difficult. But it's rare to find someone with great character and integrity who [I]hasn't[/I] gone through difficulties in life. I read a quote a friend posted on Facebook recently which has become my current favorite. "Do not handicap your children by making their lives too easy." ~ Lazarus Long That is definitely food for thought. susiestar - We actually do use the technique you refer to about recognizing and removing privileges as well as ensuring that difficult child understands the reasons we took them away for a time. It works for the most part. But we've added the layer of making him work to earn them back and that has had some excellent results. Part of my problem is that I am too forgiving and so I often don't do well with nipping things in the bud. That causes difficult child to assume that what he's doing is okay and then a pattern forms. This is actually one of the things husband tries to avoid by being harder on difficult child from the get go. And I cringe when he does it because I want to give difficult child more chances. I know husband is right, but sometimes it's just really hard to back off and let it happen. I appreciate the chance to talk about this because it has brought some important realizations to the surface. It's a balancing act at times, when husband speaks from a place of anger as opposed to a place of authority and that is when I feel the need to step in. I guess I need to shift my reactions that 90 degrees someone mentioned and respond in a different way. Much food for thought, indeed. Thank you all so very much! I hope I am able to help others here as much as you have all helped me.:Grouphug: [/QUOTE]
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