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New Member in difficult situation
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<blockquote data-quote="toughlovin" data-source="post: 495450"><p>I have both personal and professional experience in this area. Yes he definitely sounds abusive and yes you have every reason to be concerned. It is a very very tough place to be as a parent.</p><p></p><p>One of the things that happens in an abusive relationship is that the abuser tries to do everything to isolate their partner from family and friends. That is why he was so jealous when Dad visited. So your goal has to be to not let him isolate her from you. Don't put her in a position of her having to choose between you and him because there will be times when she chooses him and it will add more isolation. You want her to know that you love her and will always be there to support her no matter what.</p><p></p><p>The other thing is an abuser is very controlling and takes away any sense of autonomy.... so part of healing is making your own decisions. So if you make the decisions for her, bring her home etc. you are not helping her make her own decisions and in a sense adding another person to control her which is what she needs to break free from.</p><p></p><p>Leaving an abusive partner is a process... there are usually several times of going back ... so the fact that she has doen this does not worry me. And in this situation her lying doesn't worry me too much either. It doesn't sound like lying has been a long pattern in your relationship but rather a survival tactic on her part. By lying to you she is trying to keep you in her life and keep you close and not get isolated from you. So although I don't think lying is a good thing I think in this case her goal is to keep you close and that is a good sign.</p><p></p><p>I also think it is a good sign that she has already broken up with him a couple of times. There is a part of her that wants out of this relationship and that is the beginning.</p><p></p><p>The best thing you can do is to encourage her strengths.... she has close family, she has this career opportunity that she is obvioiusly good at. Don't do anything to take those things away.</p><p></p><p>So yes back off. Let her know you love her and although you are worried about the relationship if that is the man she chooses to be with you will accept him. Let her stay at school, I really can't see anything good about bringing her home.</p><p></p><p>I also suggest calling a local to her school domestic violence program. A lot of them now have stuff focused on teens and teen dating relationships. Find some resources and people she can talk to when she is ready. They can really make a difference.</p><p></p><p>Hugs this is hard to deal with.</p><p></p><p>TL</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="toughlovin, post: 495450"] I have both personal and professional experience in this area. Yes he definitely sounds abusive and yes you have every reason to be concerned. It is a very very tough place to be as a parent. One of the things that happens in an abusive relationship is that the abuser tries to do everything to isolate their partner from family and friends. That is why he was so jealous when Dad visited. So your goal has to be to not let him isolate her from you. Don't put her in a position of her having to choose between you and him because there will be times when she chooses him and it will add more isolation. You want her to know that you love her and will always be there to support her no matter what. The other thing is an abuser is very controlling and takes away any sense of autonomy.... so part of healing is making your own decisions. So if you make the decisions for her, bring her home etc. you are not helping her make her own decisions and in a sense adding another person to control her which is what she needs to break free from. Leaving an abusive partner is a process... there are usually several times of going back ... so the fact that she has doen this does not worry me. And in this situation her lying doesn't worry me too much either. It doesn't sound like lying has been a long pattern in your relationship but rather a survival tactic on her part. By lying to you she is trying to keep you in her life and keep you close and not get isolated from you. So although I don't think lying is a good thing I think in this case her goal is to keep you close and that is a good sign. I also think it is a good sign that she has already broken up with him a couple of times. There is a part of her that wants out of this relationship and that is the beginning. The best thing you can do is to encourage her strengths.... she has close family, she has this career opportunity that she is obvioiusly good at. Don't do anything to take those things away. So yes back off. Let her know you love her and although you are worried about the relationship if that is the man she chooses to be with you will accept him. Let her stay at school, I really can't see anything good about bringing her home. I also suggest calling a local to her school domestic violence program. A lot of them now have stuff focused on teens and teen dating relationships. Find some resources and people she can talk to when she is ready. They can really make a difference. Hugs this is hard to deal with. TL [/QUOTE]
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