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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 497034" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Hi - </p><p></p><p>Welcome to the board. I read through the responses you've gotten, and I agree with a lot of the advice. My thought is having been there personally to a degree I can't describe in a day - is that in order for a woman to begin to DATE someone that IS ABUSIVE - she probably has self esteem issues. Low self esteem. Confidence? My word yes - she was put in boarding school at a young age to pursue a career in (X) and does very well at it. Others have said her career is not worth her life - and I highly second that statement, but would also bring to light - that IF SHE HAS a controlling, abusive relationship? She's going to eventually do what HE wants her to do ANYWAY. This could involve - having children before she's ready to "keep her in contact with the baby's bio-father." Drop out of school - and get a job at Wendys to support him. He will weave tales that are so fantastical to her - she isn't going to hear much you say anyway. He's got her hooked. His kind nearly seems natural like second nature at preying on women who 'feel sorry', 'think their love will change him', 'he just needs a break - he's so...blah blah blah." </p><p></p><p>For all you know? I could be writing about my own son, in love with your daughter, or myself and my ex husband. But the really ugly WHAT IF's are there - whether you like it or not. And in order to change her thinking? She's going to have to understand and admit - "OMG I have a problem I'm in love with a problematic, troubled individual, I NEED HELP." I need to know WHAT it is that makes me attracted to a man that is like him. </p><p></p><p>The yin and yang of this abusive circle is going to be NOT telling her she can't see him, NOT telling her she's moving home, NOT standing shadow over her because - for how many years now? You've basically LET her be on her own at a school - so perhaps she fancies herself a little more MATURE than most girls her age, and is trying to express a little bit of that in dating WHOM SHE PLEASES = as an adult. Personally I would tell her that she can date whomever she wants - and you won't but in. You're not happy - but it's her life - AND then I would suggest finding a counselor for YOU - that can give you the ins and outs of better guidance through therapy, and HOW to get her to COME TO THERAPY....and start figuring out WHY she is like she is and WHY she makes the choices that she makes - and BE AWARE that she may NOT EVEN be aware (and most likely not) of WHY her self esteem (not self-confidence) is in the hole to the point where she doesn't tell this guy - SO LONG. </p><p></p><p>The guy himself needs therapy too.....Maybe there's something in that idea that will spark her - SHE goes first to help HIM get answers for his ANGER PROBLEMS - and all the while the therapist is working on her? I mean he could come later if you think it would help - but for now? Let's just make her believe it's another step in helping him. (because it really is - when he looses such a wonderful girl? Maybe he'll have a serious heart to heart with reality and actually seek help - sounds like he needs it.) </p><p></p><p>In the mean time? You can call a domestic abuse hotline - nationwide - They're number is easy to find with a google search. It's anonymous, and you can get a lot of information through them, your local health department (mental health) or as others have suggested a local DV shelter. </p><p></p><p>Hope something in this helps her - But it really has to be HER that recognizes that she has a problem and stick with therapy to find out whats cooking in her brain. </p><p></p><p>Hugs </p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 497034, member: 4964"] Hi - Welcome to the board. I read through the responses you've gotten, and I agree with a lot of the advice. My thought is having been there personally to a degree I can't describe in a day - is that in order for a woman to begin to DATE someone that IS ABUSIVE - she probably has self esteem issues. Low self esteem. Confidence? My word yes - she was put in boarding school at a young age to pursue a career in (X) and does very well at it. Others have said her career is not worth her life - and I highly second that statement, but would also bring to light - that IF SHE HAS a controlling, abusive relationship? She's going to eventually do what HE wants her to do ANYWAY. This could involve - having children before she's ready to "keep her in contact with the baby's bio-father." Drop out of school - and get a job at Wendys to support him. He will weave tales that are so fantastical to her - she isn't going to hear much you say anyway. He's got her hooked. His kind nearly seems natural like second nature at preying on women who 'feel sorry', 'think their love will change him', 'he just needs a break - he's so...blah blah blah." For all you know? I could be writing about my own son, in love with your daughter, or myself and my ex husband. But the really ugly WHAT IF's are there - whether you like it or not. And in order to change her thinking? She's going to have to understand and admit - "OMG I have a problem I'm in love with a problematic, troubled individual, I NEED HELP." I need to know WHAT it is that makes me attracted to a man that is like him. The yin and yang of this abusive circle is going to be NOT telling her she can't see him, NOT telling her she's moving home, NOT standing shadow over her because - for how many years now? You've basically LET her be on her own at a school - so perhaps she fancies herself a little more MATURE than most girls her age, and is trying to express a little bit of that in dating WHOM SHE PLEASES = as an adult. Personally I would tell her that she can date whomever she wants - and you won't but in. You're not happy - but it's her life - AND then I would suggest finding a counselor for YOU - that can give you the ins and outs of better guidance through therapy, and HOW to get her to COME TO THERAPY....and start figuring out WHY she is like she is and WHY she makes the choices that she makes - and BE AWARE that she may NOT EVEN be aware (and most likely not) of WHY her self esteem (not self-confidence) is in the hole to the point where she doesn't tell this guy - SO LONG. The guy himself needs therapy too.....Maybe there's something in that idea that will spark her - SHE goes first to help HIM get answers for his ANGER PROBLEMS - and all the while the therapist is working on her? I mean he could come later if you think it would help - but for now? Let's just make her believe it's another step in helping him. (because it really is - when he looses such a wonderful girl? Maybe he'll have a serious heart to heart with reality and actually seek help - sounds like he needs it.) In the mean time? You can call a domestic abuse hotline - nationwide - They're number is easy to find with a google search. It's anonymous, and you can get a lot of information through them, your local health department (mental health) or as others have suggested a local DV shelter. Hope something in this helps her - But it really has to be HER that recognizes that she has a problem and stick with therapy to find out whats cooking in her brain. Hugs Star [/QUOTE]
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