Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
New Member in difficult situation
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Parent42girls" data-source="post: 497843" data-attributes="member: 13538"><p>Let me first start by saying that I am so thankful to all of you for your kind and thoughtful responses. My husband and I were both feeling overwhelmed with the situation. After taking a few days to calm down, discussing the situation with our loved ones, and doing a ton of reading (both on-line and in books) we have made some "temporary" decisions.</p><p></p><p>We had a heart to heart discussion with our daughter during which we told her that we have unconditional love for her, and that while we clearly did not approve of her current relationship, we could not change her feelings. We told her that we will always be here for her and will offer our love and support to her - without judgment - no matter what the situation is. We know we cannot forbid the relationship and we would never want her to choose between her boyfriend and her family. We asked that she call a teen domestic abuse hotline where she can speak with a peer advisor and she agreed to do that. We also asked that she seek out a mentor in her field (and discussed a few of the people that she felt were good candidates) and told her that we would like her to begin counseling with a therapist. She agreed to all of this, and was actually relieved at the thought of speaking with someone who is not so involved in the situation. We asked that in light of our concerns she be completely honest about the relationship. She apologized for lying to us, and said that she did it so that we would not be disappointed in her, but now that she knows we will not judge her she feels better about being honest.</p><p>We wrote all of this out and e-mailed it to her so she could look over it anytime and know that we meant what we said. We are also working to change her living situation where she will rent a room in the same place where many of the others in her peer group live.</p><p></p><p>Ultimately, we felt that by forcing her to come home we were subjecting her to more control (thanks to whomever it was that pointed that out to me). We also felt that she would not come home and suddenly go back to being our "good little girl". It's not like she would come home and thank us. While I know we cannot parent on the "what if's" we felt that she could potentially be opening a whole new can of worms.</p><p></p><p>In my heart I know we have given her a good foundation on which to make the right decisions. We have said all that we can say with regard to the relationship and continuing only makes us look like the bad guys and him like the hero. We believe that by letting her make her own decisions, she will not be so defensive of his actions. And as another poster pointed out, it is a good sign that she has already broken up with him twice. I told her that we all have those moments when we hear that little voice inside our head whispering the truth to us. I asked that she please listen to the whispers, and when I said that to her she started to cry. She thanked us for believing in her said she was so grateful to know that we would not give her the I told you so speech if she made the wrong decisions.</p><p></p><p>We speak with her every day, and Skype at least once per week. We will be keeping a close eye on the situation and will act immediately if we feel that the situation changes. Also, just to be clear, she was the one who initiated all of the contact after the break-ups. He did not contact her at all.</p><p></p><p>So that's where we are. I have a visit planned in Mid-February and my husband will go out in March. I am hopeful that we are doing the right thing here but only time will tell...</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Parent42girls, post: 497843, member: 13538"] Let me first start by saying that I am so thankful to all of you for your kind and thoughtful responses. My husband and I were both feeling overwhelmed with the situation. After taking a few days to calm down, discussing the situation with our loved ones, and doing a ton of reading (both on-line and in books) we have made some "temporary" decisions. We had a heart to heart discussion with our daughter during which we told her that we have unconditional love for her, and that while we clearly did not approve of her current relationship, we could not change her feelings. We told her that we will always be here for her and will offer our love and support to her - without judgment - no matter what the situation is. We know we cannot forbid the relationship and we would never want her to choose between her boyfriend and her family. We asked that she call a teen domestic abuse hotline where she can speak with a peer advisor and she agreed to do that. We also asked that she seek out a mentor in her field (and discussed a few of the people that she felt were good candidates) and told her that we would like her to begin counseling with a therapist. She agreed to all of this, and was actually relieved at the thought of speaking with someone who is not so involved in the situation. We asked that in light of our concerns she be completely honest about the relationship. She apologized for lying to us, and said that she did it so that we would not be disappointed in her, but now that she knows we will not judge her she feels better about being honest. We wrote all of this out and e-mailed it to her so she could look over it anytime and know that we meant what we said. We are also working to change her living situation where she will rent a room in the same place where many of the others in her peer group live. Ultimately, we felt that by forcing her to come home we were subjecting her to more control (thanks to whomever it was that pointed that out to me). We also felt that she would not come home and suddenly go back to being our "good little girl". It's not like she would come home and thank us. While I know we cannot parent on the "what if's" we felt that she could potentially be opening a whole new can of worms. In my heart I know we have given her a good foundation on which to make the right decisions. We have said all that we can say with regard to the relationship and continuing only makes us look like the bad guys and him like the hero. We believe that by letting her make her own decisions, she will not be so defensive of his actions. And as another poster pointed out, it is a good sign that she has already broken up with him twice. I told her that we all have those moments when we hear that little voice inside our head whispering the truth to us. I asked that she please listen to the whispers, and when I said that to her she started to cry. She thanked us for believing in her said she was so grateful to know that we would not give her the I told you so speech if she made the wrong decisions. We speak with her every day, and Skype at least once per week. We will be keeping a close eye on the situation and will act immediately if we feel that the situation changes. Also, just to be clear, she was the one who initiated all of the contact after the break-ups. He did not contact her at all. So that's where we are. I have a visit planned in Mid-February and my husband will go out in March. I am hopeful that we are doing the right thing here but only time will tell... [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
New Member in difficult situation
Top