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New Member looking for some "words of wisdom" about 18yr son at home still in HS!
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<blockquote data-quote="toughlovin" data-source="post: 491986"><p>Hi and Welcome! There are several of us who have been where you are and it is a heartbreaking place to be. I agree with Midwest mom it sounds like drugs are a problem to me... Unfortunately I speak from experience also as my 20 year old son has a drug problem (and is also ADHD and deals with depression). When he is using drugs, he stops caring about much of anything, is unmotivated, is rude and impossible. He is currently out of state in a rehab program and is hopefully on his way to doing better.... other threads I have written in this forum give more history. But really I do understand what you are going through. </p><p></p><p>So my thoughts... do what you can to get very clear about your boundaries, what behaviors you will accept and what you won't. if he does behaviors that you find unacceptable then what is your reaction and what will the consequences be? Talk this over with your husband and hopefully get on the same page as he... it is important that you and he really communicate about this.</p><p></p><p>You may get tot he place where you can't have him live at home anymore... find out what your options are for kicking him out. You may not be there yet and that is ok.... this whole thing is a process and those of us that got there (we ended up kicking my son out when he was 18) did not get there in a day. </p><p></p><p>Unfortnately some kids only learn the hard way... and sometimes your only option is to get tough and do some tough love. You do not need to accept abuse of any kind from your son in your own home... it is amazing to live in a peaceful home after living in one that was totally chaotic and disruptive.</p><p></p><p>My other suggestion is something that has been hugely helpful to me and that was finding a parents alanon group... it just plain helped me to find other parents who were going through this too... nice people with good values who also had kids who were drug addicts. And of course this forum has also been a huge help. One thing alanon talks about which is good to remember... the 3 Cs "You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it". The fact that at 18 he is behaving this way is NOT your fault. We all make mistakes as parents but now he is an adult and the choices he makes are his. It is getting time to stop protecting him from himself... and as a parent it can be just heartbreaking to watch their bad choices and the consequences for them.... but there is nothing you can do really.</p><p></p><p>Hugs and keep coming here.</p><p></p><p>TL</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="toughlovin, post: 491986"] Hi and Welcome! There are several of us who have been where you are and it is a heartbreaking place to be. I agree with Midwest mom it sounds like drugs are a problem to me... Unfortunately I speak from experience also as my 20 year old son has a drug problem (and is also ADHD and deals with depression). When he is using drugs, he stops caring about much of anything, is unmotivated, is rude and impossible. He is currently out of state in a rehab program and is hopefully on his way to doing better.... other threads I have written in this forum give more history. But really I do understand what you are going through. So my thoughts... do what you can to get very clear about your boundaries, what behaviors you will accept and what you won't. if he does behaviors that you find unacceptable then what is your reaction and what will the consequences be? Talk this over with your husband and hopefully get on the same page as he... it is important that you and he really communicate about this. You may get tot he place where you can't have him live at home anymore... find out what your options are for kicking him out. You may not be there yet and that is ok.... this whole thing is a process and those of us that got there (we ended up kicking my son out when he was 18) did not get there in a day. Unfortnately some kids only learn the hard way... and sometimes your only option is to get tough and do some tough love. You do not need to accept abuse of any kind from your son in your own home... it is amazing to live in a peaceful home after living in one that was totally chaotic and disruptive. My other suggestion is something that has been hugely helpful to me and that was finding a parents alanon group... it just plain helped me to find other parents who were going through this too... nice people with good values who also had kids who were drug addicts. And of course this forum has also been a huge help. One thing alanon talks about which is good to remember... the 3 Cs "You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it". The fact that at 18 he is behaving this way is NOT your fault. We all make mistakes as parents but now he is an adult and the choices he makes are his. It is getting time to stop protecting him from himself... and as a parent it can be just heartbreaking to watch their bad choices and the consequences for them.... but there is nothing you can do really. Hugs and keep coming here. TL [/QUOTE]
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