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(New Member) This child is going to ruin our family.
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<blockquote data-quote="slsh" data-source="post: 265212" data-attributes="member: 8"><p>Hi Sister and welcome!</p><p> </p><p>Thank you so much for posting this. We don't very often get a chance to hear from sibs and your words very eloquently bring home the fact that when there is a child with challenging behaviors, he/she affects the entire family. I applaud you and your parents for making sure that *you* have supports in place. </p><p> </p><p>Please bear in mind that none of us are experts or have "the" answer. We have opinions based on our experiences, successes, and not so successful results. Please take the info you can use and skip the rest, ok? <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /></p><p> </p><p>My opinion is that when there is a family member who is "different", it can very much feel like the family is ruined. The frame of reference changes. "Normal" gets turned on it's ear. My younger 2 kids spent the first 10 years of their lives in ERs with one or the other of their older brothers due to the disabilties that we live with. I don't know if we did it right, but we've tried to acknowledge that we're not "normal" (but really, what is normal?), that they younger 2 kids have had to deal with- expectations and experiences that their peers haven't. But we've also tried to emphasize the positive aspects of our different kind of family. Compassion, empathy, understanding, problem solving, tolerance, patience, advocacy - these are traits that I hope my younger 2 understand firsthand, certainly more so than any of their peers. We've also tried very hard to keep the lines of communication open with the younger 2 about the very normal feelings of anger, resentment, and embarrassment. It's okay to feel that way - the important thing is what you do with those feelings. Like I said, I don't know if we've done the right thing and only time will tell how much of a negative or positive impact their older brothers' disabilities will have on them as adults, but it's definitely something my husband and I have spent a lot of time and thought on.</p><p> </p><p>There are a lot of positives in your post. Sounds like progress has been made in terms of everyone working together to help manage her behaviors, and that there's a good medication on board as well. That's huge, truly. I mean, *huge*. The fact that she is doing well in school is another really really positive sign. </p><p> </p><p>Your sister is still so young. There is a lot of time for her to grow and mature. Unfortunately, she's on the cusp of puberty which can make things even more challenging <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /> but also maturity *does* come - it may be slower steps for her but any progress is still progress. </p><p> </p><p>As far as concrete advice, I would tell you to focus on your life. Nuture your family as you can but not to the exclusion of your own goals. Your sister may well be a challenge into her own adulthood. Your parents sound like they are working hard to get your sister the support she needs, and having some real success there. You're right in that they do need to remember to nuture their marriage, but that's something I think most of us have struggled with. It's an evolutionary process, in my experience. And don't be too hard on your mom about her inconsistency <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /> . I have to tell you, that was a really hard concept to get down and took me years. It's not something you think about when you have kids, and I suspect that you didn't require the same level of structure and consistency that your sister needs. I found it hard to adjust my parenting style to the needs of each of my kids. It can be done, but takes practice.</p><p> </p><p>You sound like a loving sister and very level-headed young woman. Keep up with getting support for yourself.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="slsh, post: 265212, member: 8"] Hi Sister and welcome! Thank you so much for posting this. We don't very often get a chance to hear from sibs and your words very eloquently bring home the fact that when there is a child with challenging behaviors, he/she affects the entire family. I applaud you and your parents for making sure that *you* have supports in place. Please bear in mind that none of us are experts or have "the" answer. We have opinions based on our experiences, successes, and not so successful results. Please take the info you can use and skip the rest, ok? ;) My opinion is that when there is a family member who is "different", it can very much feel like the family is ruined. The frame of reference changes. "Normal" gets turned on it's ear. My younger 2 kids spent the first 10 years of their lives in ERs with one or the other of their older brothers due to the disabilties that we live with. I don't know if we did it right, but we've tried to acknowledge that we're not "normal" (but really, what is normal?), that they younger 2 kids have had to deal with- expectations and experiences that their peers haven't. But we've also tried to emphasize the positive aspects of our different kind of family. Compassion, empathy, understanding, problem solving, tolerance, patience, advocacy - these are traits that I hope my younger 2 understand firsthand, certainly more so than any of their peers. We've also tried very hard to keep the lines of communication open with the younger 2 about the very normal feelings of anger, resentment, and embarrassment. It's okay to feel that way - the important thing is what you do with those feelings. Like I said, I don't know if we've done the right thing and only time will tell how much of a negative or positive impact their older brothers' disabilities will have on them as adults, but it's definitely something my husband and I have spent a lot of time and thought on. There are a lot of positives in your post. Sounds like progress has been made in terms of everyone working together to help manage her behaviors, and that there's a good medication on board as well. That's huge, truly. I mean, *huge*. The fact that she is doing well in school is another really really positive sign. Your sister is still so young. There is a lot of time for her to grow and mature. Unfortunately, she's on the cusp of puberty which can make things even more challenging ;) but also maturity *does* come - it may be slower steps for her but any progress is still progress. As far as concrete advice, I would tell you to focus on your life. Nuture your family as you can but not to the exclusion of your own goals. Your sister may well be a challenge into her own adulthood. Your parents sound like they are working hard to get your sister the support she needs, and having some real success there. You're right in that they do need to remember to nuture their marriage, but that's something I think most of us have struggled with. It's an evolutionary process, in my experience. And don't be too hard on your mom about her inconsistency ;) . I have to tell you, that was a really hard concept to get down and took me years. It's not something you think about when you have kids, and I suspect that you didn't require the same level of structure and consistency that your sister needs. I found it hard to adjust my parenting style to the needs of each of my kids. It can be done, but takes practice. You sound like a loving sister and very level-headed young woman. Keep up with getting support for yourself. [/QUOTE]
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