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New - parent of ODD child
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 369042" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I agree with the above reward system (or any, really) but be prepared for problems if you take pennies away. If he handles it OK, then well and good, but too often, rewards once earned should stay earned; they were for good behaviours which were generally not related t the now bad behaviours causing you to take away rewards. Usually, having a period of time and behaviours which do not incur a reward, is sufficient to get the message across.</p><p></p><p>Rewards once earned need to be unconditional, in the same way our love is unconditional. We also need to distinguish between the child and the behaviour - we love the child, always, but we don't have to like the behaviour.</p><p></p><p>I remember a wonderful line from "Go Tell it on the Mountain" by James Baldwin (it was a required text when I was at school). A woman who was dealing with a drinking, abusive husband said, "The Lord tells us to hate the sin, but love the sinner."</p><p></p><p>In a lot of ways, that has to be the attitude to our kids when they are being difficult. Make it clear to the child that we love them even when they are bad; but they still have to work on trying to be good.</p><p></p><p>There are other ways to reward. Also where possible, a reward needs to be immediate, small and if possible, non-material.</p><p></p><p>My mother used to reward her grandchildren with pennies. She had a money box with their name on it at her house (next door) and when the child had been good she gave them a coin to put in the money box. But then she did something which I felt was unfair - at Christmas time when she gave the child the money box, she talked them in to handing the money box over to a church charity. She made sure a big fuss was made of the child for such a generous donation; but I felt she put undue pressure on the child who really was not in a position to refuse to donate, without seeming selfish. There were three boys, and all were pressured, sort of made to feel if one was donating, they all should. And I believe all were donating because they felt there was no option without making Grandma "disappointed" with them. And I well remembered, disappointing her was NOT something you would want to do!</p><p></p><p>An alternative option would have been for Grandma to suggest maybe the child donating some of the money, and letting the child decide. But no emotional blackmail over it! A child should feel good about that sort of thing, not feel secretly selfish and resentful. Plus, there are many ways to donate, and these days those many ways are provided, at least in our society here in Australia. We have various charity drives such as the MS Read-A-Thon, where a child is sponsored by adults to read books, and then collects money to donate to the MS Association. It's a brilliant scheme, schools tend to help administer it.</p><p></p><p>But I'm getting a bit off topic here.</p><p></p><p>An alternative to pennies could be those cheap plastic tokens you get in really cheap kiddie roulette games. They come in different colours which could have different values, which then encourages your child to learn a bit about money exchange. The tokens can then be saved up and cashed in for non-material rewards, such as a weekend trip to the zoo or a picnic, or a fifteen minute game with Mum or Dad.</p><p></p><p>If your child is really into coins, or even different-sized tokens, you can make a sorting 'bank' by using a number of stacking clear plastic containers with lids. You cut a large hole in the base of all bot one of the containers, then in the lids of each, you draw a circle around each different type of coin. Cut out the circle accurately (slightly larger than the coin mark), then glue each container base to the lid of the container below. Stack them so the holes all start from the largest to the smallest, the container with the intact base at the bottom. The top container needs to have an intact lid.</p><p>To sort coins, pour them into the top container, put the intact lid on, then holding the entire stack carefully, shake. The coins should fall down the holes until they can fall no further, thereby arranging themselves into the different denominations.</p><p></p><p>Some kids, especially the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) kids, love this and it's a great reward activity to spend time making this with your child.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 369042, member: 1991"] I agree with the above reward system (or any, really) but be prepared for problems if you take pennies away. If he handles it OK, then well and good, but too often, rewards once earned should stay earned; they were for good behaviours which were generally not related t the now bad behaviours causing you to take away rewards. Usually, having a period of time and behaviours which do not incur a reward, is sufficient to get the message across. Rewards once earned need to be unconditional, in the same way our love is unconditional. We also need to distinguish between the child and the behaviour - we love the child, always, but we don't have to like the behaviour. I remember a wonderful line from "Go Tell it on the Mountain" by James Baldwin (it was a required text when I was at school). A woman who was dealing with a drinking, abusive husband said, "The Lord tells us to hate the sin, but love the sinner." In a lot of ways, that has to be the attitude to our kids when they are being difficult. Make it clear to the child that we love them even when they are bad; but they still have to work on trying to be good. There are other ways to reward. Also where possible, a reward needs to be immediate, small and if possible, non-material. My mother used to reward her grandchildren with pennies. She had a money box with their name on it at her house (next door) and when the child had been good she gave them a coin to put in the money box. But then she did something which I felt was unfair - at Christmas time when she gave the child the money box, she talked them in to handing the money box over to a church charity. She made sure a big fuss was made of the child for such a generous donation; but I felt she put undue pressure on the child who really was not in a position to refuse to donate, without seeming selfish. There were three boys, and all were pressured, sort of made to feel if one was donating, they all should. And I believe all were donating because they felt there was no option without making Grandma "disappointed" with them. And I well remembered, disappointing her was NOT something you would want to do! An alternative option would have been for Grandma to suggest maybe the child donating some of the money, and letting the child decide. But no emotional blackmail over it! A child should feel good about that sort of thing, not feel secretly selfish and resentful. Plus, there are many ways to donate, and these days those many ways are provided, at least in our society here in Australia. We have various charity drives such as the MS Read-A-Thon, where a child is sponsored by adults to read books, and then collects money to donate to the MS Association. It's a brilliant scheme, schools tend to help administer it. But I'm getting a bit off topic here. An alternative to pennies could be those cheap plastic tokens you get in really cheap kiddie roulette games. They come in different colours which could have different values, which then encourages your child to learn a bit about money exchange. The tokens can then be saved up and cashed in for non-material rewards, such as a weekend trip to the zoo or a picnic, or a fifteen minute game with Mum or Dad. If your child is really into coins, or even different-sized tokens, you can make a sorting 'bank' by using a number of stacking clear plastic containers with lids. You cut a large hole in the base of all bot one of the containers, then in the lids of each, you draw a circle around each different type of coin. Cut out the circle accurately (slightly larger than the coin mark), then glue each container base to the lid of the container below. Stack them so the holes all start from the largest to the smallest, the container with the intact base at the bottom. The top container needs to have an intact lid. To sort coins, pour them into the top container, put the intact lid on, then holding the entire stack carefully, shake. The coins should fall down the holes until they can fall no further, thereby arranging themselves into the different denominations. Some kids, especially the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) kids, love this and it's a great reward activity to spend time making this with your child. Marg [/QUOTE]
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