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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 698260" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>I am not familiar with Canada's laws, but I know that you MUST do something. Your son is selling weed and using weed in your home with your full knowledge. You are a law enforcement officer. This is likely a HUGE problem if you work finds out - a much bigger problem than the insurance problem, in my opinion. You very likely could be charged at least as an accessory if your son is caught and uses you as a 'get out of jail free' card. It could go like this: "I can give you a COP who is HELPING me if you let me go." I know that here in the US the cops are held to a higher standard and they are fired and prosecuted with the harshest charges available if they are discovered to be dealing, even in small cities like mine. </p><p></p><p>I realize you see your son as a minor, but in your country he just isn't. He is likely earning quite a lot as a dealer and you really are doing NOTHING to discourage him that I can see. You got him off of his prior charges with no consequences. You have not filed anything like a PINS petition (person in need of supervision) to get outside help with him, and you are only pushing him to see a counselor? His behavior is CLEAR proof that he has no intention to change. Very few addicts can truly support themselves and the longer they have financial support from family, the longer they will stay actively using.</p><p></p><p>Your son has ALL the comforts of home, no real reason to change his ways, and no incentive to change. He knows you will be enormously embarrassed if his actions are revealed, and that you don't want him to have to suffer in any real way. So you have given him every single card worth anything. The ONLY way you will see change is if YOU change. I think YOU need the therapist more than your son does. His actions actually make sense. With no real threat of consequences, he can do any and every thing he wants, can't he? Mommy will help no matter what, and will provide whatever he wants. </p><p></p><p>I am sorry, but mental illness isn't as big a problem as your enabling is. Most employers of any size in the US provide what is called an EAP, an Employee Assistance Program. They provide a few visits with a professional to help figure out what to do about a wide variety of problems. A bank I worked with provided therapists, lawyers, real estate professionals, and about 20 different types of experts to help you figure out any problem with very little expense. Ask your HR people if you have this service, then see if they offer therapists, addiction specialists, and legal help to guide you through this in a more constructive way. Our program, and most others I have encountered, provide 2-4 visits with a professional for EACH problem. Limited visits mean you did have to pay after a while, but you could rephrase or reframe the problem until you met an expert you could work with. I think when my oldest started to have problems I saw 11 different child psychologists until I found one that I thought could get through to my husband AND my son both. It was enormously helpful. </p><p></p><p>One key thing about the EAP's I have used are that they are confidential. My employer could get no info other than that I had a problem and used the service. They could not even get the type of professional that I saw unless I chose to tell them. Now maybe a court order could release it, but that wasn't likely to happen.</p><p></p><p>Oh, one other thing I have learned about law enforcement is that if you, an officer, are actively trying to stop the problem, you are likely to get support and NOT have your job come after you. But if it comes to light and you cannot show that you have tried to stop it, you WILL end up in big trouble. Here in the US this could mean losing everything you own. If your son ever sold drugs in your home, or even stored his supply or his scale or his baggies in your home, you can lose your home. If he ever transported it in your car, they take your car. Now if YOU take steps to stop it, it isn't a likely outcome in most areas. But esp as a law officer, if you are not taking active steps to stop it, then they will come after you like crazy. </p><p></p><p>You don't have to provide anything for your son, as I understand what the law in Canada is. Take away his privileges, the fun stuff. Strip his room of whatever you have given him, esp those things he uses to deal and use with. Take steps so that he cannot use your car. It is pretty easy to remove fuses and replace them, and the car won't work if you remove the right ones. So every time you park it at home, take out the fuses or some other part you can replace quickly. Take the internet away from him by removing your router when you are not at home. Don't just lock it up, he will break down doors to get to it. He has shown that he has no respect for you, hasn't he? STop paying for his phone. He will likely get a burner, but that will be HIS expense. Push counseling and after he has gone for so many sessions AND cooperated during them, let him earn something back (maybe his bedroom door? or something else he likes?). I would NOT, under any circumstances, give him phone or internet access under my dime. Those are things that will further his use and selling of drugs and would be non-negotiable. I would also charge rent at some point, and insist the money come from a JOB and not selling drugs. He would have to show me a pay stub from a job before it would be money that I would touch. If he refused, he could go and get his own place, or at least try and then see how hard that really is.</p><p></p><p>Whatever you do, please realize that he could have killed many people by driving under the influence. If you ignore everything else I have said, I am BEGGING you to remove his ability to steal your vehicle. Don't rely on locks, actually disable the vehicle. You have devoted your life to protecting and serving people. Having your son use your car under the influence and cause an accident that kills people will hurt you and cause more PTSD for you than I think you can imagine. It is actually quite easy to remove and replace fuses. A book about the car model, or a search for the "fuse diagram" for your make, model & year of car will give you the location of the fuses and what each fuse does. Then a trip to an auto parts store (or the car section of walmart) and a few dollars will get a fuse kit with a tool to pull them and some replacement fuses. You can pull the one(s) to the ignition and it won't start untiol you replace it. Most people won't even THINK about that when a car won't start, esp a car they want to steal. The tool and the fuses will fit in the glove box or console and no one even will see them. Or you can keep them in your bag or purse so that your son can't grab them and replace them to use the car. </p><p></p><p>I think you have to actually DO something soon. Sooner or later your job will catch on, and if you are not working on this in some active way, well, things will go badly regardless of how much people at work like you. I know you want to protect him. maybe if the diversion programs had worked in the past they would be worth trying again. Sadly, I doubt your son learned anything from diversion other than that mom will get him out of whatever trouble he gets into. The accident cover-up likely reinforced this belief in a major way. So it will be super hard to stop him other than to make him go live the life he is wanting to live in your home. I don't know if that will discourage him or not, but what you are doing just isn't working. I am so sorry.</p><p></p><p>If I sound unsympathetic, I am sorry. I am sympathetic and I know this hurts you deeply. I just think you and your son are both going to feel some very real consequences of his behavior soon if you don't start to take some serious action. I have had a son who was dangerous and hurting people, to the point I very seriously considered driving into a bridge abutment with him in the car, just to stop him. So I know how hard this is. I got lucky and with help from professionals I got my son back. I want that for you, but it is a very long, difficult and painful road. I can tell you that now, after years of telling me how much he hated me, my son absolutely loves me. He has even thanked me for dragging him down that hideous road and making the sacrifices to bring him to where we are now. So there IS hope, but it takes a lot of hard and painful work to make it come to be.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 698260, member: 1233"] I am not familiar with Canada's laws, but I know that you MUST do something. Your son is selling weed and using weed in your home with your full knowledge. You are a law enforcement officer. This is likely a HUGE problem if you work finds out - a much bigger problem than the insurance problem, in my opinion. You very likely could be charged at least as an accessory if your son is caught and uses you as a 'get out of jail free' card. It could go like this: "I can give you a COP who is HELPING me if you let me go." I know that here in the US the cops are held to a higher standard and they are fired and prosecuted with the harshest charges available if they are discovered to be dealing, even in small cities like mine. I realize you see your son as a minor, but in your country he just isn't. He is likely earning quite a lot as a dealer and you really are doing NOTHING to discourage him that I can see. You got him off of his prior charges with no consequences. You have not filed anything like a PINS petition (person in need of supervision) to get outside help with him, and you are only pushing him to see a counselor? His behavior is CLEAR proof that he has no intention to change. Very few addicts can truly support themselves and the longer they have financial support from family, the longer they will stay actively using. Your son has ALL the comforts of home, no real reason to change his ways, and no incentive to change. He knows you will be enormously embarrassed if his actions are revealed, and that you don't want him to have to suffer in any real way. So you have given him every single card worth anything. The ONLY way you will see change is if YOU change. I think YOU need the therapist more than your son does. His actions actually make sense. With no real threat of consequences, he can do any and every thing he wants, can't he? Mommy will help no matter what, and will provide whatever he wants. I am sorry, but mental illness isn't as big a problem as your enabling is. Most employers of any size in the US provide what is called an EAP, an Employee Assistance Program. They provide a few visits with a professional to help figure out what to do about a wide variety of problems. A bank I worked with provided therapists, lawyers, real estate professionals, and about 20 different types of experts to help you figure out any problem with very little expense. Ask your HR people if you have this service, then see if they offer therapists, addiction specialists, and legal help to guide you through this in a more constructive way. Our program, and most others I have encountered, provide 2-4 visits with a professional for EACH problem. Limited visits mean you did have to pay after a while, but you could rephrase or reframe the problem until you met an expert you could work with. I think when my oldest started to have problems I saw 11 different child psychologists until I found one that I thought could get through to my husband AND my son both. It was enormously helpful. One key thing about the EAP's I have used are that they are confidential. My employer could get no info other than that I had a problem and used the service. They could not even get the type of professional that I saw unless I chose to tell them. Now maybe a court order could release it, but that wasn't likely to happen. Oh, one other thing I have learned about law enforcement is that if you, an officer, are actively trying to stop the problem, you are likely to get support and NOT have your job come after you. But if it comes to light and you cannot show that you have tried to stop it, you WILL end up in big trouble. Here in the US this could mean losing everything you own. If your son ever sold drugs in your home, or even stored his supply or his scale or his baggies in your home, you can lose your home. If he ever transported it in your car, they take your car. Now if YOU take steps to stop it, it isn't a likely outcome in most areas. But esp as a law officer, if you are not taking active steps to stop it, then they will come after you like crazy. You don't have to provide anything for your son, as I understand what the law in Canada is. Take away his privileges, the fun stuff. Strip his room of whatever you have given him, esp those things he uses to deal and use with. Take steps so that he cannot use your car. It is pretty easy to remove fuses and replace them, and the car won't work if you remove the right ones. So every time you park it at home, take out the fuses or some other part you can replace quickly. Take the internet away from him by removing your router when you are not at home. Don't just lock it up, he will break down doors to get to it. He has shown that he has no respect for you, hasn't he? STop paying for his phone. He will likely get a burner, but that will be HIS expense. Push counseling and after he has gone for so many sessions AND cooperated during them, let him earn something back (maybe his bedroom door? or something else he likes?). I would NOT, under any circumstances, give him phone or internet access under my dime. Those are things that will further his use and selling of drugs and would be non-negotiable. I would also charge rent at some point, and insist the money come from a JOB and not selling drugs. He would have to show me a pay stub from a job before it would be money that I would touch. If he refused, he could go and get his own place, or at least try and then see how hard that really is. Whatever you do, please realize that he could have killed many people by driving under the influence. If you ignore everything else I have said, I am BEGGING you to remove his ability to steal your vehicle. Don't rely on locks, actually disable the vehicle. You have devoted your life to protecting and serving people. Having your son use your car under the influence and cause an accident that kills people will hurt you and cause more PTSD for you than I think you can imagine. It is actually quite easy to remove and replace fuses. A book about the car model, or a search for the "fuse diagram" for your make, model & year of car will give you the location of the fuses and what each fuse does. Then a trip to an auto parts store (or the car section of walmart) and a few dollars will get a fuse kit with a tool to pull them and some replacement fuses. You can pull the one(s) to the ignition and it won't start untiol you replace it. Most people won't even THINK about that when a car won't start, esp a car they want to steal. The tool and the fuses will fit in the glove box or console and no one even will see them. Or you can keep them in your bag or purse so that your son can't grab them and replace them to use the car. I think you have to actually DO something soon. Sooner or later your job will catch on, and if you are not working on this in some active way, well, things will go badly regardless of how much people at work like you. I know you want to protect him. maybe if the diversion programs had worked in the past they would be worth trying again. Sadly, I doubt your son learned anything from diversion other than that mom will get him out of whatever trouble he gets into. The accident cover-up likely reinforced this belief in a major way. So it will be super hard to stop him other than to make him go live the life he is wanting to live in your home. I don't know if that will discourage him or not, but what you are doing just isn't working. I am so sorry. If I sound unsympathetic, I am sorry. I am sympathetic and I know this hurts you deeply. I just think you and your son are both going to feel some very real consequences of his behavior soon if you don't start to take some serious action. I have had a son who was dangerous and hurting people, to the point I very seriously considered driving into a bridge abutment with him in the car, just to stop him. So I know how hard this is. I got lucky and with help from professionals I got my son back. I want that for you, but it is a very long, difficult and painful road. I can tell you that now, after years of telling me how much he hated me, my son absolutely loves me. He has even thanked me for dragging him down that hideous road and making the sacrifices to bring him to where we are now. So there IS hope, but it takes a lot of hard and painful work to make it come to be. [/QUOTE]
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